'The Sooners Have a Gift Exchange': a dramatic re-enactment

This is the first of three weekly installments of the "Sooner Disrespect Chronicles," which follows the Oklahoma Sooners as they prepare for their Jan. 8 meeting with the Florida Gators in the BCS National Championship Game.

SCENE: The OU football team sits around the living room at the Stoops' Norman estate, while Carol Stoops hands out cookies and hot chocolate.

CAROL STOOPS: Here you go, Sam. And congratulations on your Heisman! That's quite an accomplishment!

SAM BRADFORD: (taking the cookie and mug from Stoops) Why thank you, Mrs. Stoops. I'm happy I won the trophy, but it was a real team effort. And might I say, you have a lovely home. The color scheme in here is so very...

/door flies open

BOB STOOPS: Alright, boys! Hope you're enjoying the cookies and cocoa! Hey, babe?

CAROL: Yes, dear?

BOB: What the hell are you still doing in here? You're done serving cookies, ain't you?

CAROL: Yes, but I was just talking with Sa...

BOB: Was that a "but" I heard? That kind of sounds like DISRESPECT!

CAROL: No! No! No disrespect! I'll go chop some more firewood!

/scurries out of the room

BOB: Now...time for the gift exchange! Gresham! You're up first!

JERMAINE GRESHAM: OK, coach! I'll take...(chooses a present from the pile of gifts under the Christmas tree)...this one.

BRADFORD: (whispering to himself) Oh, good! Jermaine grabbed my gift. I just know he's going to like it.

/Gresham opens the present

GRESHAM: Oh, cool! An iPod Touch! I've been wanting one of these for a long time! Thanks, whoever brought this!

STOOPS: See? That's what I'm TALKING ABOUT! Respect! We're respecting each other! Now, I'm next, and I want that iPod.

/snatches iPod Touch away from Gresham, gets bored with it after 11 seconds, throws it into the fireplace

/Gresham cries

STOOPS: Your turn, Bradford! Move it, move it, move it!

BRADFORD: Hmm...which one do I want?

STOOPS: Fine, you don't want to pick? I'll pick it for you!

/pulls present out from behind couch

BRADFORD: But coach, I...

STOOPS: THIS is your present, Mr. I Can't Decide! Open it! Now!

BRADFORD: OK, fine. I'll open it.

/opens the present

STOOPS: OH MY GOD, IT'S A LUMP OF COAL! YOU GOT A LUMP OF COAL FOR CHRISTMAS?!?

BRADFORD: Coach, I don't...

STOOPS: (without looking at the present) Oh, look, there's a note! Read it aloud for everyone to hear!

BRADFORD: Coach Stoops, I'm really not comfor...

STOOPS: I SAID READ IT!

BRADFORD: (deep sigh) Fine.

/opens up letter

"Dear Sam, you are a bad quarterback on a bad team. This lump of coal is for you. I am disrespecting your team. Sincerely, Tim Tebow."

STOOPS: It's from TEBOW?!? The quarterback of the Florida Gators?!?

FRANK ALEXANDER: (furious) HE'S DISRESPECTING OUR TEAM! HE'S DISRESPECTING THE SOONERS!!!

BRADFORD: Coach, it's obvious that you wrote this. It's in your handwriting.

STOOPS: What are you talking about, Bradford? It's signed by Tim Tebow! How could I have written it if it's signed by Tim Tebow?!?

BRADFORD: It's on your stationary! It literally has your letterhead on it!

STOOPS: So what you're saying is that Tebow snuck into my house, wrote the letter on MY stationary, knocked up my daughter, and left you a lump of coal?!?

BRADFORD: Coach, that doesn't make any sense.

STOOPS: I have never felt more DISRESPECTED in all my life!

ALEXANDER: DISRESPECT! SOONERS! TEBOW! RAWWR!

/flips over couch

AUSTIN BOX: And it says that he hates white people!

BRADFORD: No it doesn't! Why would he hate...

STOOPS: I can't believe the level of DISRESPECT! This is unbelievable! TIM TEBOW IS DISRESPECTING US!

ALEXANDER: RAWWWWR! DISRESPECT! RAWWWWWR!

/runs through brick wall, punts baby, still isn't ejected

/door flies open

BILLY SIMS: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMER!

BRADFORD: God, I can't wait to go pro.