This is the first of three weekly installments of the "Sooner Disrespect Chronicles," which follows the Oklahoma Sooners as they prepare for their Jan. 8 meeting with the Florida Gators in the BCS National Championship Game.
SCENE: The OU football team sits around the living room at the Stoops' Norman estate, while Carol Stoops hands out cookies and hot chocolate.
CAROL STOOPS: Here you go, Sam. And congratulations on your Heisman! That's quite an accomplishment!
SAM BRADFORD: (taking the cookie and mug from Stoops) Why thank you, Mrs. Stoops. I'm happy I won the trophy, but it was a real team effort. And might I say, you have a lovely home. The color scheme in here is so very...
/door flies open
BOB STOOPS: Alright, boys! Hope you're enjoying the cookies and cocoa! Hey, babe?
CAROL: Yes, dear?
BOB: What the hell are you still doing in here? You're done serving cookies, ain't you?
CAROL: Yes, but I was just talking with Sa...
BOB: Was that a "but" I heard? That kind of sounds like DISRESPECT!
CAROL: No! No! No disrespect! I'll go chop some more firewood!
/scurries out of the room
BOB: Now...time for the gift exchange! Gresham! You're up first!
JERMAINE GRESHAM: OK, coach! I'll take...(chooses a present from the pile of gifts under the Christmas tree)...this one.
BRADFORD: (whispering to himself) Oh, good! Jermaine grabbed my gift. I just know he's going to like it.
/Gresham opens the present
GRESHAM: Oh, cool! An iPod Touch! I've been wanting one of these for a long time! Thanks, whoever brought this!
STOOPS: See? That's what I'm TALKING ABOUT! Respect! We're respecting each other! Now, I'm next, and I want that iPod.
/snatches iPod Touch away from Gresham, gets bored with it after 11 seconds, throws it into the fireplace
STOOPS: Your turn, Bradford! Move it, move it, move it!
BRADFORD: Hmm...which one do I want?
STOOPS: Fine, you don't want to pick? I'll pick it for you!
/pulls present out from behind couch
BRADFORD: But coach, I...
STOOPS: THIS is your present, Mr. I Can't Decide! Open it! Now!
BRADFORD: OK, fine. I'll open it.
/opens the present
STOOPS: OH MY GOD, IT'S A LUMP OF COAL! YOU GOT A LUMP OF COAL FOR CHRISTMAS?!?
BRADFORD: Coach, I don't...
STOOPS: (without looking at the present) Oh, look, there's a note! Read it aloud for everyone to hear!
BRADFORD: Coach Stoops, I'm really not comfor...
STOOPS: I SAID READ IT!
BRADFORD: (deep sigh) Fine.
/opens up letter
"Dear Sam, you are a bad quarterback on a bad team. This lump of coal is for you. I am disrespecting your team. Sincerely, Tim Tebow."
STOOPS: It's from TEBOW?!? The quarterback of the Florida Gators?!?
FRANK ALEXANDER: (furious) HE'S DISRESPECTING OUR TEAM! HE'S DISRESPECTING THE SOONERS!!!
BRADFORD: Coach, it's obvious that you wrote this. It's in your handwriting.
STOOPS: What are you talking about, Bradford? It's signed by Tim Tebow! How could I have written it if it's signed by Tim Tebow?!?
BRADFORD: It's on your stationary! It literally has your letterhead on it!
STOOPS: So what you're saying is that Tebow snuck into my house, wrote the letter on MY stationary, knocked up my daughter, and left you a lump of coal?!?
BRADFORD: Coach, that doesn't make any sense.
STOOPS: I have never felt more DISRESPECTED in all my life!
ALEXANDER: DISRESPECT! SOONERS! TEBOW! RAWWR!
/flips over couch
AUSTIN BOX: And it says that he hates white people!
BRADFORD: No it doesn't! Why would he hate...
STOOPS: I can't believe the level of DISRESPECT! This is unbelievable! TIM TEBOW IS DISRESPECTING US!
ALEXANDER: RAWWWWR! DISRESPECT! RAWWWWWR!
/runs through brick wall, punts baby, still isn't ejected
/door flies open
BILLY SIMS: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMER!
BRADFORD: God, I can't wait to go pro.