This is the second of three
weekly installments of the "Sooner Disrespect Chronicles," which follows the Oklahoma Sooners as they prepare for their Jan. 8 meeting with the Florida Gators in the BCS National Championship Game.
SCENE: The OU football team is on American Airlines flight 3012 from Oklahoma City to Miami.
SAM BRADFORD: Golly gee willikers, I'm so excited to get to Miami! Sunny weather, and we get to play in the National Championship Game!
JERMAINE GRESHAM: Oh, I know! I've never been to Miami before, but I've heard it's beautiful. Do you think we'll get to go to the beach?
BRADFORD: I sure hope so. That would be swell!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Gentlemen, can I offer you something to drink?
GRESHAM: I'll have a ginger ale, ma'am.
BRADFORD: And could I get a Diet Coke with Splenda?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: You sure can, young man. (Turning to the other side of the aisle) And what can I get for you?
BOB STOOPS: (wearing headphones, yelling) WHAAAT?!?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: (slightly louder) What can I get you to drink, sir?
STOOPS: (still yelling) WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? I'M LISTENING TO GENESIS! PHIL COLLINS IS ABOUT TO HIT HIS DRUM SOLO ON "INVISIBLE TOUCH!"
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: (now yelling) CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK, SIR?
STOOPS: (removing headphones) Are you yelling at me?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Uhm, no, uh, no sir. I just didn't think you could hear...
STOOPS: Are you YELLING at me?!?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Sir, I'm very sorry, I just thought...
STOOPS: I will NOT be DISRESPECTED like that! My boss David Boren raised a lot of booster money, which he in turn gave to me, which I then spent on bailing my players out of jail, but with the money I had left over, I BOUGHT THIS PLANE TICKET! I'M A PAYING CUSTOMER! YOU DO NOT YELL AT ME! THAT'S DISRESPECT!
FRANK ALEXANDER: (bolting out of his seat in the back of the plane) WHAAT?!?!?
STOOPS: (holding hand up to Alexander) No, no, Frankie. Save it for Tebow. She's not worth it.
/Alexander grunts, sits down, continues reading June issue of Malicious Personal Fouls Monthly.
STOOPS: (to Flight Attendant) You're lucky. He could have thrown you out of the plane. Now go get me a Surge.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: (trembling) Sir, I'm not sure they make that anymore.
STOOPS: THAT KIND OF SOUNDS LIKE DIS...!
/Alexander rises again with fire in his eyes, Flight Attendant scampers off to find soft drink that no longer exists
STOOPS: (to Gresham) Hey Jermaine, let's switch seats. I need to talk to Sam.
GRESHAM: I'm not sure we're supposed to switch. Something about FAA regulations.
STOOPS: DAMNIT, GRESHMAM, YOU JUST EARNED BATHROOM DUTY! GO SCRUB THE TOILET!
GRESHAM: What? Coach, this is a plane. Passengers aren't the ones who clean the...
STOOPS: I SAID SCRUB IT, SO SCRUB IT!
GRESHAM: Aww, man...
/sulks back to the bathroom as Alexander hands him a toilet brush
STOOPS: (moving into Gresham's vacant seat) Alright, Sam, we need to go over a couple new plays.
BRADFORD: Sure thing, coach, fire away!
/Stoops pulls out playbook
STOOPS: OK, on this one, Iglesias is your first read. He's running the drag.
BRADFORD: Got it!
/Stoops turns page
STOOPS: And on this one, you need to give a good fake. Try doing that thing that Chase Daniel does where he hides the ball behind his back. That way, hopefully, the corner will bite and Broyles can get free.
BRADFORD: Cool! That looks like a good one!
STOOPS: And the next one...(turns page)
STOOPS: OH MY GOSH, IT'S TEBOW! AND HE STOLE YOUR HEISMAN!
BRADFORD: No, no, coach, Tebow won the Heisman in 2007. That's his. Although I don't know how that picture got in there...
STOOPS: Oh...me either. Well on this next page...(turns page)
STOOPS: OH SWEET MARY AND JOSEPH, IT'S TEBOW AGAIN! AND HE STOLE YOUR DAVEY O'BRIEN AWARD!
BRADFORD: (deep sigh) No, coach. Tim won the Davey O'Brien last year. He didn't steal anything from me. Why did you put all these pictures in here?
STOOPS: Me?!? I had nothing to do with this! I'm just flipping through the play...(turns page)
STOOPS: GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY, IT'S TIM TEBOW AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND!
BRADFORD: Coach, this picture is obviously photosh...
STOOPS: AND LOOK! SHE SAYS THAT SHE LOVES HIM! TIM TEBOW STOLE YOUR GIRLFRIEND, SAM! THAT'S DISRESPECT!
ALEXANDER: (jumping up from his seat) AAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHH! DISRESPECT! YOU DON'T DISRESPECT THE SOONERS!
BRADFORD: Coach, this has got to stop. This photo is clearly doctored, Tim is a good guy, and Kelsey would never cheat on me.
STOOPS: NONSENSE! I don't even know how to doctor photos!
ALEXANDER: (punching innocent passengers) RAAWWWWWRRR!!! DISRESPECT!!! KILL TEBOW!!!
BRADFORD: No, Frank! He didn't disrespect us! You're just a pawn in Coach Stoops' little game! Don't you see? He WANTS you to feel disrespected so that you play harder!
/Alexander stops pummeling civilians, listens to Bradford, entire plane falls silent, Gresham ducks his head out of the lavatory
BRADFORD: Guys...we're a great team. We've got a collection of tremendous football players, and we have worked hard to get here. We don't need any extra motivation. We just need to play our best, try our hardest, and I just know we're going to do great. So what do you say? Can we put all this disrespect stuff aside and just focus on being the best team that we can be?
/entire team thinks quietly, some nod softly
GRESHAM: (throwing down toilet brush and rubber gloves) Sam's right, guys. We don't need any extra motivation! We're the Sooners! We're...
/Stoops turns page of playbook
STOOPS: SWEET GOD IN HEAVEN, HE STOLE THE ENTIRE STATE OF OKLAHOMA!!!
ALEXANDER: RAWWWWWWWRR!!! DISRESPECT!!!
BRADFORD: No! No, guys! No! He didn't steal Oklahoma! We were just there! And that's impossible anyway!
AUSTIN BOX: (peering up from his issue of Teen People) And I heard he stole it because he hates white people!
BRADFORD: What the hell, dude? What's up with all the reverse race-baiting? That doesn't even make any sense!
STOOPS: SEE, SAM?!? TEBOW IS DISRESPECTING OUR VERY WAY OF LIFE! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!
/hurls innocent 83-year-old man going to visit his grandchildren out the window, still isn't ejected
BRADFORD: God, I can't wait to play for the Lions.