Billy Mays Mailbag: April 22

Today, we'd like to introduce our newest feature, the "Billy Mays Mailbag." Each edition of the Billy Mays Mailbag will answer YOUR Big 12 football questions as only the world's greatest spokesman can! Submit your questions to rockmnation -at- gmail.com for possible future use in the Billy Mays Mailbag!

Today's Question: How do you expect Missouri RB Derrick Washington to perform in 2009?

Answer: HI! BILLY MAYS HERE FOR THE BILLY MAYS MAILBAG, AND I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT DERRICK WASHINGTON IN 2009! QUICK AND EXPLOSIVE, THIS JUNIOR TAILBACK IS SURE TO TURN YOUR SATURDAY AFTERNOONS OF FOOTBALL INTO RUSHING HEAVEN! 

WASHINGTON AVERAGED 5.85 YARDS A CARRY IN 2008, BUT IT'S 2009 THAT COULD BE GREAT! YOUR FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS MIGHT FORGET THAT WASHINGTON WAS SLOWED BY A KNEE PROBLEM LATE LAST SEASON, BUT IT WASN'T ANYTHING A LITTLE MIGHTY MEND IT COULDN'T FIX!

WASHINGTON RUSHED FOR 1036 YARDS IN 2008, BUT EXPECT MORE IN 2009. I WON'T GIVE YOU 1100 YARDS. I WON'T GIVE YOU 1200 YARDS. NO, RIGHT NOW I'LL GIVE YOU 1300 YARDS BY D-WASH IN 2009! BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

WITH THE AMAZING D-WASH OFFER, NOT ONLY WILL YOU GET RUSHING PRODUCTION, BUT WE'LL THROW IN A PAIR OF HANDS OUT OF THE BACKFIELD! AN ADDITIONAL 9.55 YARDS PER RECEPTION IN 2008, WHERE CAN YOU FIND A DEAL LIKE THAT ANYWHERE ELSE??

WITH DAVE YOST CALLING THE PLAYS AND A YOUNG QUARTERBACK AT HIS SIDE, I GUARANTEE THAT D-WASH IS SURE TO HIT HIS STRIDE!

Note: This is meant only as satire. RMN has no contact with Billy Mays, although we'd love it if we did. Seriously. That guy's awesome. If Barney Stinson's video resume was about a real person, we suspect it'd be about Billy Mays.