"You don’t just walk into this joint and push a man like Blaine Gabbert around, no sir. His parents named him "Blaine" to make him strong, like "A Boy Named Sue" or huge linemen named "Herman" or "Lesley." Also, the first-time starter had the privilege of playing against an extremely poorly coached team with no clear answer at running back, an ongoing and overtaxed enigma by the name of Juice Williams, and [NAME REDACTED} trying to spin plates at head coach. This all ends in broken crockery and you know it, so yes, let's repeat: 319 yards and 3 TDs in his first start for "Blaine." Name your son something effeminate, and he will turn into the biggest asskicker on the block. (Or become a transsexual bartender/ess. Life is gambling and gambling is life.)"