'The Sooners Attend a Costume Party': a dramatic re-enactment

This is the sixth installment of the "Sooner Disrespect Chronicles." For background, please read the previous installments.

PART ONE: ‘The Sooners Have a Gift Exchange'
PART TWO: ‘The Sooners Ride an Airplane'
PART THREE: ‘The Sooners Have a Chat'
PART FOUR: ‘The Sooners Go to the Hospital'
PART FIVE: ‘The Sooners Take a Team Photo'

SCENE: The Sooners are gathering in the Red Room at the Barry Switzer Center, located south of Gaylord Family-Oklahoma Memorial Stadium.

LANDRY JONES: Hamburgers, do I love the annual football program costume party! Halloween is just my favorite time of year. Don't you think this is fun, Trent?



TRENT RATTEREE: I sure do, Landry! It's just boatloads of fun, and the punch sure is tasty!

JONES: Um...Trent? Did you forget your costume?

RATTERREE: No, dude. I'm in costume. I'm going as Taylor Hanson. You know...MMMBop?

JONES: Oh. My mistake.

RATTERREE: Well hey, look at Frank! He's probably got the costume of the night!

FRANK ALEXANDER: (Shoveling candy corn in his mouth) I WAS INSPIRED BY BREAKFAST.

JONES: You sure were, bud. Well, the lights are on. All the players are here. I guess all we're waiting on ...

/door flies open

STOOPS: What did you say? Oh. Right. Scary. Halloween. Got it.

JONES: Are you OK, coach? You seem a bit antsy.

STOOPS: (slowly removing mask, revealing tear streaks) Well...it's just...

ALEXANDER: (putting down bedpost he's been gnawing on for weeks) ARE THOSE TEARS? HAS SOMEONE BEEN DISRESPECTING YOU, COACH?!?

/Alexander begins Googling which local day cares are most vulnerable to attack, you know, just in case

STOOPS: Well, fellas...I need to tell you a little about my past.

/confused, team sits Indian-style on the floor

STOOPS: [Pulling out a projector] As you know, my brother, Mike, is the coach at Arizona.

/clicks projector




RATTERREE: Yeah, you told us to call him Jackwagon Q. Dumbface.

STOOPS: (Straightening up) I said no such thing!

RATTERREE: (Reaching into pocket) Yeah, you did, coach. I even wrote it down.

STOOPS: (now angry) Just what in the name of Rhett Bomar are you doing here, Head and Shoulders? Because it kind of sounds like you're using things I said in the past to DISRESPECT ME!

ALEXANDER: (beet red) WHAAAA?!? DISRESPECT?!?

/picks up flaming spear left over from convenient visit from African tribe

RATTERREE: (cowering) Oh crackers! Sorry! I'll go dust your office, coach!

/Ratterree saunters out, Alexander hands him a frilly apron and duster

STOOPS: (turning back to projector) Anyways, what you may not know is that I have another brother. A twin brother. An evil twin brother.

/clicks projector

STOOPS: (turning shamefaced) Guys, Missouri coach Gary Pinkel is my brother.

/collective gasp

ALEXANDER: Is...is this the part where I get enraged, coach?

STOOPS: Not yet, pal.

/Alexander goes back to making sandwiches and immediately throwing them away in front of a crowd of homeless people

STOOPS: Anyway, Gary and I had a falling-out a few years ago. Something about tax evasion or something, I don't know, I wasn't listening. But before he left our house for the last time, he vowed...(pulls scroll out from nowhere)..."three disrespects on the eve of Gameday."

JONES: Coach, I'm not going to lie, this sounds kind of...

/Alexander sits up

JONES: ...um....awesome.

STOOPS: The first disrespect came last week, when I found a flaming bag of dog poo on my doorstep.

/clicks projector

ALEXANDER: RAWWWWR! FECAL DISRESPECT!

/punches grandmother, awaits second disrespect

STOOPS: The second disrespect came on Sunday, when I went off to church.

RATTEREE: (poking head out from Stoops' office) I thought you were Jewish last season.

STOOPS: Keep dusting, Tim Lincecum.

/Ratterree returns to dusting already clean office

STOOPS: I sat down at the pew, waiting for service to start, when I looked up at the stained glass window and saw this.

/clicks projector




ALEXANDER: RAWWWWR! DISRESPECTING GOD, WHO IS CLEARLY A SOONERS FAN!

/opens soup kitchen, serves only ice cream soup, much to the dismay of homeless patrons

JONES: OK, this is getting silly.

STOOPS: (ignoring Jones) And finally...the final disrespect...came when I opened today's paper.

/clicks projector

JONES: It's the Gulf oil spill, coach. That's months old.

STOOPS: I know that, Lando Calrissian. But look closely.

/clicks projector



JONES: Um...what am I supposed to be looking at?

STOOPS: Chill out, Land Before Time. Look closely-er.

/clicks projector

/DeMarco Murray gasps, tears a lung, out for season

STOOPS: That's right, men. Gary Pinkel and Blaine Gabbert caused the Gulf oil spill.

ALEXANDER: (leaping from his chair) RAWWWWWWWR! THE GREATEST ENVIRONMENTAL DISRESPECT OF ALL TIME!

/kicks Brady Deaton in the face
/signs up Mike Alden's e-mail address to receive Ann Taylor LOFT e-mails
/still isn't ejected

VOICE: (from outside) Enough!

/door swings open




GARY PINKEL: Listen, Bob, you need to knock it off.

STOOPS: But! Wha! Huh?!? How...

PINKEL: We have never disrespected the University of Oklahoma. The University of Oklahoma is a fine institution and a finer footbal program. Your continued efforts to falsify disrespectful comments from my team are only tarnishing your good name.

/misreads two-point conversion chart

PINKEL: You're a great team. I think we have a great team. Let's just have a great game on Saturday, disrespect aside.

STOOPS: You're right, Gary. I'm sorry.

JONES: (placing a hand on each coach's shoulder) See? That's respect.

/Alexander fails to comprehend, continues punting orphans

PINKEL: (turning to leave) Oh, and one more thing, Bob...

/team turns to Pinkel

PINKEL: (shooting two middle fingers) Hope you enjoyed that flaming bag of dog crap.

/Pinkel exits

STOOPS: I KNEW IT!

ALEXANDER: RAWWWWWWWWR! SUCH INTENSE DISRESPECT!

/knocks over columns on Missouri campus

RATTERREE: (singing from Stoops' office) Mmm bop, ba duba dop...

JONES: (shaking head) I voluntarily attend this school.