*ring ring*

Mr. Barta, Tom Osbourne from the University of Nebraska is on line 1.

Tom! How are you?

Hello Gary! I'm fine, fine. How are you?

I'm just great, and let me say how much the entire Hawkeye family is looking forward to having the Nebraska Cornhuskers join our great conference!

  Well, thank you. Gosh, we're awfully excited about joining the Big Ten, and we're especially excited at the chance to build a rivalry with the Iowa Hawkeyes! What an interesting mascot!

  Haha Yes, it's unusual. Some like to call us the Alan Alda of college football.

  I'm sorry, I don't listen to hip hop.

  Ah.

It's such a shame that we won't have the opportunity to start our rivalry in this year's Insight Bowl. It tears me up that such a historically strong program should be forced to waste its efforts on such marginal competition.

Well, thank you Tom, but we're actually looking forward to playing Missouri!

I was talking about Nebraska.

Oh.

Anyway, what I wanted to talk to you about today was this. We're putting together next year's media guide and, well, we want to really emphasize the higher quality of competition we'll be facing! Gosh, we're awfully excited that we won't be playing Kansas anymore!

haha Well, don't forget, you still have to play Purdue.

haha Well, I guess no conference is perfect. Anyway, I was wondering if I could ask you some questions about your program?

Fire away!

All right. First, how many football National Championships does Iowa have?

We won ours in 1958.

Oh.  Just one?

Is that a problem?

Well... we just thought that a program with Iowa's history would have a few more than that.

Er, well, they aren't easy to come by.

We have five you know.

Yes, I've heard that.

And a lot of our fans don't remember anything before 1970, so...

Well, what can I say? We've had a rough patch.

Yes, well, I suppose not everyone in the Legends Division can be a legend. Moving on.

...

How many seats are there in your stadium?

Ah! Kinnick Stadium has a capacity of 70,585. We're one of the 20 largest college-owned stadiums in the nation!

Oh.

Let me guess-

81,067. I guess I was just led to believe that Big Ten football programs played in big stadiums.

Yes, well, we're pretty big.

I guess it's a little different for you since you have to share a state fanbase with your in-state rival.

Yeah, losing those 32 Iowa State fans has really killed us.

Did you know we have signs on our stadium saying, "Through These Gates Pass the Greatest Fans in College Sports". You should consider putting something like that on your stadium.

Well, our fans already know they're pretty great, so I don't think-

I meant for our fans.

Wait a minute, you want us to put signs up in on our stadium praising your fans?

Gosh, our fans would be awfully excited about that!

Well, let me tell you how ours fans would feel-

And another thing, I don't think your team colors are going to work for us.

What in the hell is wrong with our team colors?

Black and gold?

Black and OLD Gold.

It's just that, well, black and gold reminds us of Missouri and that reminds us of how Missouri and Texas conspired to chase us out of the Big XII.

I don't remember it happening that way-

Did you see those uniforms Iowa State wore against Missouri?

You mean the Ronald McDonald clown suits? God, those things were hideous.

Maybe you should wear those when we play.

Whoa, wait. You want the Iowa Hawkeyes to wear Iowa State's uniforms because black and gold reminds you of Texas?

We sure don't like Texas. Say, we could style the games as Big Red vs. Little Red!  Gosh, our fans would be awfully excited about that!

Tell you what, Tom, how about we style it the SCREW YOU BOWL?

Gosh!  I-I thought the Big Ten was classier than this!

Yeah, well, &^#$ you.  You want a rivalry Tom?  You got it!  Prepare to get your cornholes stomped!  And if those two thugs you call coaches try and pull any of their crap, I'll kick the $@!% out of them myself right there on the field!  You ain't playing Kansas anymore buddy!  FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FOR IOWA! *click*

Meanwhile, in Columbia...

So, did they buy it?

*putting down phone*  Hell yes they bought it!

haha High five!

Seriously, that was too easy.  How did we not get into the Big Ten again?

*sigh* Stupid Jay Nixon.

Hey, who should we call next?

Call Jim Tressel at Ohio State. Tell him that Nebraska fans are superstitious about sweater vests and ask him if he'll start wearing hoodies on the sideline.

haha Stupid sweater vests.  Let's do it!

*Concept shamelessly stolen from our new hated rivals at BHGP.