'The Sooners Take a Team Photo': a dramatic re-enactment
by ghtd36 on Aug 31, 2010 11:01 AM CDT
in LOLs
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PrintThis is the fifth installment of the "Sooner Disrespect Chronicles." For background, please read the previous installments:
PART ONE: ‘The Sooners Have a Gift Exchange’
PART TWO: ‘The Sooners Ride an Airplane’
PART THREE: ‘The Sooners Have a Chat’
PART FOUR: 'The Sooners Go to the Hospital'
SCENE: The Sooners are gathering for a team photo at the 50-yard line of Owen Field at the Gaylord Family Oklahoma Memorial Stadium.
LANDRY JONES: (on his iPhone) ...so it's better to simply check down to the running back then?
SAM BRADFORD: Yep. Always better to make the safe play.
JONES: Gee, thanks Sam! It's sure nice to have a Heisman Trophy winner and No. 1 overall NFL draft pick giving me advice!
BRADFORD: No problem, Landry. Us Oklahoma quarterbacks need to stick together.
JONES: You mean like Josh Heupel and Paul Thompson?
BRADFORD: (quickly) WE DON'T TALK ABOUT THEM ANYMORE.
JONES: Oh. Sorry.
BRADFORD: Anyway, now that you're running the show down there in Norman, there's an added responsibility for you. A responsibility that isn't necessarily stated in your scholarship agreement.
JONES: I'm confused. What do you mean?
BRADFORD: Well...
/locker room door flies open
JONES: Holy hamburgers! Sam, you'll never guess what coach...
BRADFORD: (interrupting) Safari hat and lantern?
JONES: Uh...yeah. How did you...
BRADFORD: Have fun!
/click
BOB STOOPS: Boys! Boys! Gather ‘round! I have urgent breaking news that I need to share with you, news that could very well shape the future of our season...nay, of our LIVES.
/team gathers 'round, taking a knee
TRENT RATTERREE: What is it, coach?
STOOPS: Damn, Vidal Sassoon, you still play here? I thought you graduated three years ago or something.
RATTERREE: Nope. Still here, coach. Actually only a junior.
STOOPS: A junior, huh? Well then you can go be junior lieutenant in charge of washing my car.
RATTERREE: What? Why?
STOOPS: Why? THAT KIND OF SOUNDS LIKE DISRESPECT!
FRANK ALEXANDER: (somehow now standing immediately behind Ratterree) WHAT?!? DISRESPECT?!?
RATTERREE: (quickly distancing) No no no! No disrespect! I'll get right on it, coach!
/Ratterree exits for parking lot
/Alexander goes back to super-frustrating Rubik's Cube
STOOPS: Anyway, gentlemen, I'm here to tell you that last night, I had a vision.
JONES: (excitedly) A vision? Of us winning the championship? That would be awesome!
STOOPS: CAN I FINISH ONE DAMN SENTENCE WITHOUT YOU DISRESPECTING ME, LAUNDROMAT?
/Alexander cocks back arm to throw Rubik's Cube at Jones
JONES: (cowering) Ack! Sorry! I'll be quiet!
STOOPS: So, my vision. I was lying in bed last night in my Barry Switzer footy pajamas, staring at the replica of the Sistine Chapel that Frank so nicely painted for me...
ALEXANDER: I PUT BRIAN BOSWORTH AS SAINT PETER!
STOOPS: (patting Alexander on the head) You sure did, buddy. So I'm lying there, and all of a sudden...gosh, it's so hard to relive...all of a sudden, I saw a ghost.
/team gasps
/Demarco Murray faints, is out for 3-6 weeks
STOOPS: It was terrifying. It hovered over me and was all spooky and crap. I think I had a heart attack. Or indigestion. One of the two. BUT IT WAS SCARY.
RATTERREE: (yelling from the parking lot) That sounds terrible, coach!
STOOPS: Keep scrubbing, replacement Jonas Brother.
/Ratterree goes back to scrubbing
STOOPS: I couldn't sleep for the rest of the night, but I've decided to go on the offensive. I watched some show called "Ghost Hunters" on SyFy. They actually go out looking for ghosts. That's what I want to do. THAT'S WHAT BIG GAME BOB IS GOING TO DO: GO ON THE GHOST OFFENSIVE.
JONES: That sounds like a savvy plan, coach. But how are you going to catch him?
STOOPS: Glad you asked, Lando Calrissian. I decided the best thing I could do was use my memory to sketch the spirit. That way, we know what we're looking for.
/pulls out a sheet of paper
STOOPS: Now, this is not for the faint of heart. Brace yourselves. If you're weak of heart, you should probably turn away.
/Ryan Broyles covers his eyes
/Stoops turns sheet over
JONES: Um...coach? I mean no disrespect...
/Alexander perks up from this week's copy of American Maiming
JONES: ...but that looks like Utah State coach Gary Andersen. Suspiciously so.
STOOPS: You're kidding! But...but...but...
ALEXANDER: BUT WHAT, COACH?
STOOPS: ...but that would mean...that Utah State is...is...
ALEXANDER: IS WHAT, COACH?!?
STOOPS: ...is disrespecting us.
ALEXANDER: RAWWWWR! DISRESPECT! FROM A WESTERN ATHLETIC CONFERENCE INSTITUTION!
/tears down own goalposts, rifles one into the air, taking down a 747 carrying puppies to orphans, still isn't ejected
STOOPS: I can't believe that the Utah State coach would DISRESPECT me by dying, haunting me as a ghost, then using some machine like the live-action movie Casper with Christina Ricci to reincarnate himself!
ALEXANDER: UNFATHOMABLE!
/burns down a library
JONES: I can't believe it either. In fact, I don't believe it.
/everyone turns to Jones, stunned
JONES: Now I remember. I remember how Sam spent all of that time trying to keep the team from falling for your elaborate stunts to feign opponents' disrespect.
STOOPS: Stunts? Whatever do you mean?
/yarmulke, Santa hat, crutch, fake surveillance image, Microsoft Paint'd photo of Tim Tebow with Sam Bradford's girlfriend fall out of his pocket simultaneously
JONES: No more. (Turns to team) Guys, look at us. We're a group of astounding young men who are tremendously talented at football. We're ranked as high as No. 7 in some polls. We're a dark horse to win the national championship. We shouldn't need any motivation through some bad-90s-movie-starring-a-sneaky-hot-actress-from-Black Snake Moan-inspired lies. We should have all the motivation we need, especially to beat someone like Utah State.
STEPHEN GOOD: Landry's right, guys!
STOOPS: (puzzled) Who are you?
GOOD: I'm Stephen Good.
/Stoops stares blankly
GOOD: ...Preseason All-Big 12 lineman?
/Stoops looks at Alexander, who shrugs and continues to take a Big Brothers/Big Sisters of America kickball game far too seriously
GOOD: ...New protagonist to replace Jermaine Gresham?
/Stoops scratches head, shoos Good away confusedly, turns to Jones
STOOPS: Listen, Landfill. I know what I saw. I would never...[turns toward scoreboard] OH MY GOD LOOK WHAT THE GHOST DID.
ALEXANDER: RAWWWWWWWR! DISRESPECT THROUGH GHOSTLY GRAFFITI!
/runs to Logan, Utah, pummels university president Stan L. Albrecht, vandalizes Utah State student union
/fails to see irony
/still isn't ejected
STOOPS: What an unbelievable turn of events!
RATTERREE: (from parking lot) Coach, my fingers are getting all pruney.
AUSTIN BOX: So, really, nobody's going to mention my reverse-racism-caused injury?
JONES: Jesus. When's the Arena Football draft?
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ALEXANDER: I PUT BRIAN BOSWORTH AS SAINT PETER!
RockMNation.com (@rockmnation on Twitter)
The 2010 Missouri Football Preview - Available Now!
Personally...
…this line really did it for me:
/Demarco Murray faints, is out for 3-6 weeks
Coming in August: Rock M Nation's 2010 Missouri Football Preview!!!
Rock M Nation
I'm on Twitter! http://www.twitter.com/billconnelly1
by Bill C. on Aug 31, 2010 2:04 PM CDT up reply actions 3 recs
Replacement Jonas brother...
…ha.
Dr. Ausgiano schools me in the classroom and on the field of battle
by MarioVanPeebles Republic of China on Aug 31, 2010 12:29 PM CDT reply actions
Oh how I missed this.
"I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius."
"What's misunderstood about you?"
"Nobody thinks I'm a genius."
by Transmogrified Tiger on Aug 31, 2010 12:45 PM CDT reply actions
I have several questions. Why would they not mention Josh Heupel or Paul Thompson? As a sooner fan i am very proud to talk about either of them. One won a national championship, and the other moved from WR a couple weeks before the season and led oklahoma to a Conference Championship. Second…. where is the idea of Stoops coming up with disrespect gimmicks and being opposed by Sam Bradford coming from? I haven’t heard anything about disrespect from USU and I follow the sooners very closely.
Now i can take a joke, in fact the part about Murray fainting and being out 3-6 weeks was very funny, as well as the ratterree alexander and good parts.
Just as a quick anecdote:
In 2007, Missouri thought they had a shot at Oklahoma in Norman before they shot themselves in the foot. They talked about getting another shot in the Big 12 title game, and all week OU talked about the disrespect of “Mizzou beating Mizzou” rather than “Oklahoma beating Mizzou.” In 2007, that talk was valid.
Then in 2008 when Oklahoma was steamrolling people, all week leading up to the Big 12 Championship, Mizzou said nothing but glowing things about Oklahoma and what a challenge it would be. Yet, after the game, OU players took to the media about how Missouri disrespected them all week. From this, DISRESPECT!!! was born, as was Irrationally Violent Frank Alexander.
As for Heupel and Thompson, I think ghtd36 will have to speak to that.
RockMNation.com (@rockmnation on Twitter)
The 2010 Missouri Football Preview - Available Now!
by RPT on Sep 1, 2010 9:40 AM CDT up reply actions
As for Heupel and Thompson...
…I dunno. I thought of the two least prominent OU quarterbacks of the last 15 years or so that I could think of without looking anything up. That is quite literally a throw-away joke.
And RPT is spot-on with regards to where the whole DISRESPECT!!! meme came from.
"Don’t want to spend my night waiting in line unless it’s for more beer."
--EssBee, on LoneStarBall, Jan. 21, 2010
Hmmm
I wasn’t aware that the Sooners had a problem with Mizzou in ‘08…it seemed to be with Texas thinking that they should have been in that Big 12 championship game instead of OU. Of course, Texas did get kind of a raw deal, but that’s the way it goes sometimes. I missed all that stuff about Mizzou disrespecting the Sooners, but I sure have enjoyed these completely humorous reenactments of the disrespect chronicles! I found “The Sooners Go to the Hospital” last September and sure did need the lift it gave me after Sam had gotten hurt. It was a relief just to be able to laugh…and I like the way you have portrayed Sam. :)
In the postgame interviews...
…Bradford and some other OU players mentioned it. It got dropped pretty quickly thereafter…but we noticed…and mocked…
Coming in August: Rock M Nation's 2010 Missouri Football Preview!!!
Rock M Nation
I'm on Twitter! http://www.twitter.com/billconnelly1
It beat the hell...
… out of talking about the actual game.
RockMNation.com (@rockmnation on Twitter)
The 2010 Missouri Football Preview - Available Now!
by RPT on Sep 1, 2010 8:09 PM CDT up reply actions
Another hat tip from a Longhorn
Excellent! Seriously! Funniest thing I’ve seen since Maize N’ Brew’s play on realignment.
Postgame interviews...
I was listening to the game on the radio so wasn’t aware of what was actually said on TV by the players or anyone else and, as you said, it got dropped pretty quickly. But being a Sooner fan, I have enjoyed all of these, knowing they are strictly in fun, and can understand now how they came to be…
As for Josh Heupel…he’s the only QB we’ve had since Coach Stoops came who won a national championship. As betterman91 already pointed out, Bomar is the one we don’t talk about. LOL
Go Rams...go Sammy B!!!
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