Farewell, Big 12: Parting Shots

(I've stolen this idea from a friend on Tigerboard, but I'll at least try to be original in my thoughts)

To the Big XII as a conference:

I never loved you, but I always accepted you.  I was much more of a professional sports fan in my younger days, prior to 1996, so I don't remember the Big 8 as well as many do.  And my memories of the Big 8 are almost strictly basketball, because Mizzou was basically never relevant in the Big 8 for football in my lifetime.  I didn't understand why the Big 8 was taking on 4 schools from Texas, and later I didn't understand why the conference offices were leaving Kansas City and REALLY didn't understand why the conference basketball tournament was ever held anywhere besides Kansas City.  I miss the Big 8 basketball days, not only because of how awesome that conference really was but because it was always so contentious and up-for-grabs.  Every school played each other twice, we knew and hated each other but there was respect beyond the borders; Big 8 schools WOULD support other Big 8 schools when they were facing other conferences.  That died in 1996.

And while Missouri has seen some of its best ever days in football in the Big XII, I do not give your conference credit for that.  In fact, I think we did it in spite of you.  You will not be missed by me, and I think you are doomed to fail completely in the near future.

To Iowa State:

I've never had a problem with the Cyclones, other than their choice to use a cardinal mascot costume to represent them.  The only explanation I was ever given was because "the cardinal has our colors, red and gold."  When I then asked "Wouldn't it then be just as logical for you to use a tugboat painted red and gold?" I was met with stunned silence.  Thank you, Cyclone fans, for always traveling so ridiculously well to everything played outside of Ames.  You always represented well in Columbia, I always saw TONS of you in KC for the basketball conference tournaments, and your fans in general were always polite, passionate, magnanimous and fun.  Thank you for the EPIC 4OT basketball game in 2001, that was one of the best basketball games I've ever watched.  Thank you for Jamaal Tinsley and Marcus Fizer.  Thank you for the OT game at our Homecoming in 2005 where we were introduced to a little magician named Chase Daniel.  Best of luck to you, and I sincerely hope we meet again someday in a post-season game.

To Kansas State:

I live among many of your fans, and I don't have a problem with 90% or more of you.  In fact, two of my closest friends in the world call KSU their school.  I hope one day you will give Willie the rest of his costume, because it seriously looks weird.  Bill Snyder has never gotten enough credit in the college football world for what an utterly amazing job he has done with K-State.  I know that you know this, but I know that very few outside of your state recognize his genius.  He is a treasure, and should have his name on hundreds of things in Manhattan.  Thank you, Wildcats, for helping to take Nebraska down, even just for awhile, in the 2000s.  You started it, we finished it, and then all of a sudden they got better again.  Thank you for always being our brothers-in-arms against the hated jayhawks.  Thank you for Michael Bishop, Darren Sproles, Mitch Richmond and Jacob Pullen.  And thank you for Pervis Pasco, just because.  I will be cheering for you this coming Saturday and in every game for the remainder of the year, and if Missouri and KSU never face each other in football again I will always hope you win every single game.  Keep beating those jayhawks.  Beat them like it's your job.

To Colorado:

I never had strong feelings of any kind for Colorado, but I could muster hatred for them pretty quickly.  I almost never interacted with your fans, and can't necessarily prove that you have any.  My lasting memory of your fans comes after the football game against you in 2004 in Columbia (unfortunately one of the last games we won that year).  After defeating you and walking out of the stadium, some dumb girl wearing Colorado gear was 'bragging' to her friends that "Yeah, well, Missouri is 2-2 and we're 3-1 so we're still better than them."  First off, she was wrong.  We were 3-1 at that point.  But even so...how is that your measure of worth?  Even though we'd just beaten you, you were still better than us?  I didn't get it then, I don't get it now, and you left us after last season and I barely notice you're not here other than we could really use a win right now.  I thank you for nothing.  Screw you for 5 downs.  Screw you for unleashing Rashaan Salaam on the world.  Screw you for having such thin air.  But I did think it was pretty funny in 2007 when you gave us such great bulletin board material before the football game that year, talking about how our receivers couldn't get past your secondary.  We proceeded to score 113 straight points on you between 2007 and 2008.  So thanks for that, I guess.  Hope you're enjoying being the doormat in the PAC-12.

To Texas Tech:

Another school I've never had strong feelings for, but I also don't know that I can muster any hate for.  I don't know a single Texas Tech fan, personally.  I don't remember interacting with any on your trips to Columbia.  For awhile there, we were lumped together as these high-flying teams, shucking conventional football ways and trying to take down the big boys.  In that, I've always found a mutual respect.  So good luck to you, Red Raiders.  Thank you for Mike Leach.  Thank you for Michael Crabtree.  Thank you for Brad Smith's 291-yard, 5-TD day (ON THE GROUND) in 2003.  Thank you for being GREAT wins for us in back-to-back  years in 2006 and 2007 and being two of my favorite highlight videos I ever made.  I hope when the Big XII ultimately fails, you get what you want whether that be landing in the PAC-## or getting away from Texas.

To Baylor:

To steal a line:  "meh."  You're a strange one, Baylor.  I can't believe your basketball program survived what it went through a few years ago with the murder and the coach covering stuff up, etc.  I also can't believe your basketball program is as good as it is without committing major violations.  It's not your fault that you never belonged in the Big XII, but you never belonged in the Big XII.  After Mizzou beat you in 2008 by a last-second FG in Waco, I went to a Baylor message board to congratulate the fans on being an obvious up-and-coming team, to admit my own personal relief in winning the game and to express my admiration for RG3 (aka, HOT TUB!).  I was met with what I would describe as passive venom, as the general response seemed to be "Don't come here and pity us, we're not interested."  So...thanks for Hot Tub Griffin, and thanks for being our victim in the Big XII tournament a few years ago.  Also, thanks for closing the door on Quin Snyder's era at Mizzou.  Now get yourselves to the MWC where you belong.

To Oklahoma State:

You know what?  I've always liked Oklahoma State.  I feel like OSU and Mizzou fans "get" each other.  You guys have that perpetual reputation of being the "little brother" to OU and you just hate it, and we've had a similar stigma for a long time whether it was to kansas in basketball, Nebraska in football, or just in sports in general.  Even after this past weekend's beating at your hands in football, I sincerely enjoyed interacting with Cowboys fans and found them to be good, passionate fans interested more in cheering for their team instead of against my own.  Thank you for some wildly entertaining football games between us over the years.  Thank you for Barry Sanders.  Thank you for "I'm a MAN!  I'm 40!"  But oh how I HATED "Big Country".  You guys are AWESOME this year in football.  Keep winning, beat OU like they owe you money (get it?  OU money?) and get yourself a Big XII crown.  You have my support, and will into the future should we never meet again.

To Oklahoma:

You are the ever-present thorn in our collective sides.  While I will admit I'm jealous of your success in both football and basketball, I don't respect nearly anything about your programs, your coaches or your fans.  I've rarely seen an OU fan that could find humility in a dictionary, or anywhere else for that matter.  Your band needs to figure out that there's a page 2 in that book of music.  Bob Stoops may be a great coach, but he's a giant douche.  I hate you for ruining our run to a Big XII Tournament title in 2003.  I hate you for beating us in the Elite 8 in 2002.  I hate you for running a fake field goal against us in 2002 to prevent a monumental upset.  I hate you for not beating kansas in the finals in 1988.  I hate you for more last-second basketball losses than I can count.  I hate you for Kelvin Sampson.  I hate you for Eduardo Najera.  I hate you for EVERYTHING in 2007.  In short, I disrespect the hell out of you.  You are the Boston Red Sox of college football.  You pretend you're the little guy up against big, bad Texas (New York Yankees), but you're just as bad and maybe even worse.  But thank you for Homecoming, 2010.  It's in my top 3 sporting events ever attended, and probably will be for awhile.

To Texas:

You see everything I said about Oklahoma?  I mean it about you, too.  If there was a crayon named Arrogance, it would be burnt orange colored.  You destroyed the SWC.  You destroyed the Big 8.  You're about to destroy the Big XII.  What is the opposite of Midas?  Texas.  It's such an odd insult, but it's so terribly true:  how are you not better than you are?  You couldn't have more advantages, though that doesn't stop you from trying with your Longhorn Network and your personal slaves as conference commissioner, and yet you still perpetually fall short.  You select 25 of the best high school football players in the nation every single year, and do what with them?  You have every opportunity to be a basketball power, and you're just not.  But still you take and take and take and take and expect other schools to thank you for the privilege of being taken from.  And your feigning indignation when being called on your BS (which stands for Bevo $hit) just makes it worse.  I wish nothing good for you, even though I know nothing bad will ever happen to you.  You'll continue finding schools willing to let you do whatever you want, you'll bully everyone into getting your way, and you'll still do only things that benefit you directly and then try to take away any ancillary benefits others might receive from those actions.  $#&@ you, Longhorns.

To Nebraska:

Your fans are some of the worst I've ever had the displeasure of dealing with.  Whether it's proclaiming yourselves the best fans in the country, golf-clapping as if you mean it when you've beaten some team into submission, crying and calling everyone "CHEATERS" when you lose, or supporting your law-breaking athletes or soon-to-be-serial-killer coach, you're just some of the worst people I've ever dealt with.  Every player you've ever had is the best ever.  Every player you've ever lost was never worth having.  Every team you've ever faced is beneath you.  Every loss you've ever taken is washed away with excuses.  Your band knows as many songs as Oklahoma's.  Your basketball team is a joke.  Your state is a boring South Dakota.  Your mascots are ridiculous, and you should've stuck with "Bugeaters".  I hate you for Matt Davison.  I hate you for Kellen Huston.  I hate you for every Piatkowski that has ever walked the earth.  I hate you for Bo Pelini.  I hate you for Lawrence Phillips.  I hate you.  If we never face you again in sports, it will still be too soon.  And it's odd for me to say that, because few things gave me greater pleasure than beating you.  It's unfortunate it couldn't happen more often, but at least I know my entire life doesn't hinge on whether or not Nebraska wins a football game this week.  What a sad existence you must lead.  But you've earned it.  And the Big Ten will never consider you one of their own.

To kansas:

My hatred for you and your fans can never be summed up in words.  You are without a shadow of a doubt the worst group of people I've ever been forced to know.  Everything about you is wrong.  The closer and closer we get to not having to face you in sports, the more and more accepting of that I become.  The only thing I respect about kansas is how much I hate your school, your fans, your players, your coaches, etc.  Anything that can make me so consistently and universally hate people based on that kind of affiliation deserves at least some respect.  But your lies, your cheating ways, your revisionist history, your unapologetic myopia and your cult-like following leave me with nothing but this:  I loathe your very existence.  I hope your University fails at every level.  I hope your sports teams lose every single game they play by as much as possible.  I hope your donors dry up and your coffers become empty.  I hope your enrollment continues dropping and your academic reputation goes with it.  I hope you end up a 1AA football team competing in the West Coast Conference for basketball with Gonzaga.  I hope you become insignificant in every sense of the word.  And I hope you choke on that insignificance.

To West Virginia:

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Good luck, dude!