I have been waiting for a new show that covers the animal kingdom that satisfies my reality. I remember fondly old wildlife shows on PBS, that showed way too much of the hunt. This is what made them better. Now you know the reason why I did not sleep through the night as a kid. More recently the History Channel had a very compelling documentary series called Monster Quest that I can only assume was completely real. With an added benefit of continued fuel for my 15 minute naps throughout the night.

 I wish there could be a show that fully describes my reality right now.  I submit to the RMN commentariat the show that marginally satisfies.

Russlle Stovers’ Wild ‘Merica Monster Quest:  Jayhawk in the Mist

Narration by: David Attenborough

In this episode we follow the majestic Jayhawk as it forages for more inane quips to feed it’s vicariously fueled ego. Watch as it recites only bullet points. This is the Jayhawks only form of communication, rational statements and logical paragraphs are beyond its neurological capabilities.

via i55.tinypic.com

Due to this hindrance in social interaction it is very rare to see two Jayhawks mate in the wild, leading researchers to suggest that Jayhawks asexually reproduce by budding, much like Sea Sponges and Hydras.

This could be the reasoning for evidence of the Tyra-Brady-Josh Morrningreedlittle animal sometimes photographed in the midwestern region of the American prairie known to the natives as Purgatory.

Further in this clip we have captured visual evidence of the Jayhawks only known predator, the Missouri Tiger. Though some have seen the smaller relative of the tiger, the Kansas Wildcat hunt Jayhawks only a handful of successful hunts have ever been captured on film.

via i54.tinypic.com

In this stage of the hunt the Missouri Tiger first steals the round rubberized sphere object from the Jayhawk before continuing. This is clearly a sign of dominance to frustrate and confuse the Jayhawk.

The Jayhawk has nearly been secured in the jaws of the Tiger as it begins it’s ritual plea for self importance.

(David Attenborough pause for dramatic effect)

To no avail.

Though, usually the Missouri Tiger hunts in packs, known as swarms, this one seems to be very hungry, and appears to be well on his/her way to a full stomach. However…

In the final twist of Natures’ never ending amazement, this Missouri Tiger POWERS UP!  PHASE SHIFTS and TELEPORTS TO A REGION NEAR A SIBERIAN RIVER KNOWN AS THE GREY GOOSE-KHECK VALLEY!!!

HAARRUUNNGNNGGGGGGGG!!!! (Phase shifting makes this noise, don't ask how, just go with it)

via i51.tinypic.com

In the final phase of the hunt the primary hunter and phase shifter brings the Jayhawk prize to his/her swarm.

One of the Tigers has taken the spherical object completely away from the Jayhawk and is attempting to travel in the  opposite direction.

Perhaps knowing that life is quickly leaving him the Jayhawk attempts one last plea for, at the very least, respite. (David A. pause)

This appears to have fallen on deaf ears.

Now the Missouri Tiger swarm can fully enjoy their meal, albeit small and gamey.

With stomachs full, and winning on the horizon this swarm is well on it’s way to passing on their hunting skills and unequalled pack mentality to the next generation of PHASE SHIFTING TELEPORTING MISSOURI TIGERS!!!

Stats of the game: 1 Steal              1 Assist                    Adj/GS - 'finity

This concludes the Russell Stovers’ Wild ‘Merica Monster Quest, this is the first and last episode because while filming the often boisterous Jayhawk it was found to be lacking in any scientific importance whatsoever. Also, DID YOU SEE THAT PHASE SHIFTING TELEPORTING TIGER!

Fin