Its possible that it all went down like this:
(or maybe not, but hey...)Last Wednesday night...
Mike Alden (MA): Hello?
Man with 60 Minutes-esque voice disguiser (M60VD): Mike?
MA: Oh geez. You again?
M60VD: I've got someone for you to talk to.
M60VD turns another cell phone upside down and places speaker to mic, mic to speaker.
Matt Painter (MP): (Jay-Z playing in the background) Mike?
MA: Matt? Is that you? Awful connection.
MP: Well, this is fairly illegal. 2Pac and Biggie, you know?
MA: I don't, really. Right. What's up?
MP: Well, I was kinda thinking I'd really like a raise.
MA: Ummmm. Shouldn't you be calling YOUR A. D., then?
MP: Well, see that's the thing. COY awards, perennial tourney team, and I'm still getting the shaft. The man's got me down, like Chuck D, right?
MA: Ummmm, Matt. Not my problem, dude. [May or may not have said, "dude"]
MP: Well, I saw that whole Mike Anderson thing play out, and I was kinda hoping, maybe... I could do the same thing?
MP: Hello? Voice disguiser guy? Is Mike still there?
MA: I'm here. Are you seriously asking me about this? You want hints, or tips or something?
MP: No. I want to play the flirting-game with Mizzou and try and wring an extension-raise out of these cheapskate bastards. Eminem says I only get one chance to blow, you know?
MA: Uhhhh... weird. But, that's really no way to talk about your alma mater, there, Matt. And I'm not really in the mood for this kind of talk.
MP: Oh, sorry. Don't let me hold you up from all the BIG NAMES you have to call. Did Mizzou fans know who coached Xavier last week? Marquette? VCU?
MA: Matt. Please. I'm doing the best I can with these shambles. And actually, we have this really smart group of bloggers at a site called RockMN...
MP: Shut it. You need me, Mike. I'm your A-lister. I'll play it real smooth, too. I'll be real interested. I'll play it close to the vest: no leaks, pinkie swear.
MA: This is ridiculous. I'm hanging up.
MP: WAIT. But, see. If those cheap idiots don't pony up... then you get all this hotness. (He makes circles around his face, almost Vogue-like) [He may or may not have said, "hotness"]
MA: Did you just make circles around your face?
MP: Yes. Whatevs, Mike. The kids... they say, "whatevs", now. Isn't that cool? We didn't have anything like that back in the day. Did you ever listen to Wu-Tang back in the day, Mike? They're ridiculously good, you know.
MA: Wha...? So you seriously want me to be your whore-partner for you to get a new contract and a big raise? And I get to drag your name around in the media, and if that jerkoff A.D. of yours doesn't ante up... You'll come here?
MP: (gulp) UGH. I guess so. Yuck. Let's just stick to the flirting.
MA: No one is going to believe this for a second. Why would you leave Purdue...?
MP: Well, I'll just talk about how good your... ummm... well.. your... uhhh...
MA: Mizzou Arena is pretty nice. We have AC.
MP: Oooh. Facilities. Good one, Mike. That's the spirit.
MA: This is stupid.
MP: So you're in, then?
MA: Five years from now, when I'm being summarily kicked out of the MU Athletic Dept, can I use you as a scapegoat? How I didn't get the guy I wanted, and Shaka was like 9th on my list, but I got stuck with him because of you? Can I at least throw you under the bus?
MP: Huh? Did you say something, Mike? This new Black Eyed Peas song is totally sweet. Sure, sure. Whatever you say. You're gonna call Shaka? I hear he's busy this weekend. (laughing) But don't worry, there's no way he gets past Kansas. (giggling)
MA: Sigh. (CLICK)
M60VD: Matt? He's off.
MP: Jimmy "The Sexpot" Sexton... You are the man.
M60VD: Thanks, Matt. Just send that car down to Fayetteville, and make sure its not all in hundreds this time. I'm trying to put together a nest egg for when Anderson gets fired in three years and even Tulsa won't take him back.
MP: Huh? Jimmy? You say something? Can't believe this is working out so well. Damn, I'm really digging on this Kanye beat. Right? Right?
M60VD: Sigh. (CLICK)