FanPost

Alden's 13

[Bumped to the front page due to awesomeness.]

A secret location somewhere outside of Houston, Texas, the day before Selection Sunday

Shaka Smart enters the room to find Jeff Capel, Matt Painter, Mike Anderson, Jimmy Sexton, Kim English, Lon Kruger, Cuonzo Martin, Buzz Williams, Brad Stevens and Frank Haith sitting at a table.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic  What are you guys doing here?

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Same thing you're doing here.

Painter pushes a note across the table that reads "Meet at Applebee's 3:00 PM.  Don't be late.  Appetizers 2 for 1 during Happy Hour"

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Who's idea was this anyway, and why now?  I need to get back to Springfield and get my team ready for the tournament.

Everyone at the table laughs

Image and video hosting by TinyPic   Shut up!  We're getting in this year!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Joviality aside, this does represent an inopportune time for such a gathering.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic   RAR LITTLE MAN IN GLASSES STOP USING BIG WORDS!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Now look, I realize that popular culture tends to stereotype athletes as "dumb jocks", but I've found that a keen mind coupled to a well-rounded education can do wonders for-

Buzz Williams pushes Brad Stevens out of his chair.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic WHERE CHICKEN WINGS???

Image and video hosting by TinyPic  They'll be up in a minute, you douche!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic   RAR BUZZ NOT DOUCHE!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Seriously though, who's behind all this?

 

The door to the room opens to reveal Mike Alden.

 

Image and video hosting by TinyPic That would be me.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Mike?  What's the meaning of all this?  Most of us have tournament games coming up that we need to prepare for!  Except for Cuonzo.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Shut up!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Screw the tournament.  We have bigger fish to fry.

 

Alden whips a chair around backwards and sits down facing the group.

 

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Remember last year during the Big Ten expansion talks when everyone ragged on basketball and claimed that football was where the money was?  Well, I crunched the numbers and it turns out that college basketball is seriously undervalued, which presents us an opportunity.  Gentlemen, I have a plan that's going to score us millions, but I need your help.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic This doesn't involve me flirting with another school again, does it?  I did what you told me the last two years but I think it's starting to affect my reputation.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Would $2 million a year sooth your conscience?

Image and video hosting by TinyPic What conscience?  What's the score?

 

Alden stands up and walks over to a dry erase board and starts listing coaches and their salaries.

 

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Right now, most of the top ten highest paid coaches make at least $2 million a year, but schools are getting so desperate for revenue that I'm betting they're willing to pay top dollar for second tier talent.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Overpaying in order to generate revenue is a counterproductive strategy.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Don't interrupt me Einstein.  Schools will overpay, and they'll overpay hard.  They just need a little... coaxing.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic OK, I'll bite.  How's this work?

Image and video hosting by TinyPic I'm glad you asked.  It starts with our friend Jeff Capel.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Me?

Image and video hosting by TinyPic That's right.  I want you to call up Joey Cash and tell him he can go to hell.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Won't that get me fired?

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Exactly.  Oh c'mon Cap, aren't you tired of always sucking up to Bob Stoops?

Image and video hosting by TinyPic You know what, I am!

 

Capel pulls out his cell phone.

 

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Hey Joe, this is Jeff.  Yeah, I just wanted to say, f%@# you!  Yeah, that's right!  Well, you can't fire me because I quit!  Ha!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic You know, you probably should have waited until after I had outlined the plan and everyone was on board.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Oh.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Well, now that our first domino has fallen prematurely, let's move on to the next step.  I have just received word that Arkansas is going to fire Pelphrey and word is the alumni are looking to pay big bucks to get someone who can win the SEC.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Ar-Arkansas?  Anderson's eyes glaze over

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Hey!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Try not to drool on the table there Mike.  Yes, you're going to Arkansas.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic What the hell???  What about our National Championship?

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Kid, a National Championship is only important to people who wake up every morning to the sight of wheat.  It's the only thing that keeps them from putting their mouths around an exhaust pipe.  If we pull this off, you can buy Mario Chalmer's trophy.  Sex Pistol!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Yo!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Do your magic.  I want you to leak to every two bit journo, blogger, moron on the street about this.  Get everyone worked up.  Push Mike's value above two mil.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Two?  When I'm done, they'll rename Fort Knox after him!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic But now we don't have a coach!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic No, but we do have... a coaching list.

 

Alden pulls a list out of his jacket pocket and throws it on the table.

 

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Hey!  Most of our names are on this list!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic That's right, and a few will be on Oklahoma's as well.  I imagine Joey Cash will make a play for The Douche-

Image and video hosting by TinyPic BUZZ NOT DOUCHE!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Eat your chicken wings.

Image and video hosting by TinyPicYEA CHICKEN WINGS!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic We'll make a play for Buzz as well, but-

Image and video hosting by TinyPic But Marquette wouldn't possibly allow themselves to be the Big East school to lose a coach to the Big XII!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Exactly!  Buzz will be buying a whole lot of chicken wings after this.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic YEA!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic That's great and all, but what about the rest of us?  No one's going to give me a raise.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Oh, ye of little faith.  Our good friend Cuonzo is going to make sure everyone gets a raise.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Am I going to Mizzou?  Please tell me I'm going to Mizzou.  Those people at Missouri State are crazy!  It's always "F Mizzou! F Mizzou!"  SHUT UP!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic ...

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Sorry.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic No, you're aren't going to Mizzou.  You're going to Tennessee.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Oh hell no!  They're looking at sanctions!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Exactly, which means no big league coach will want the job.  They'll pay you anything out of desperation and in five years, you'll have your pick of jobs.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic And maybe while you're there you can get some tips from Pat Summit on how to get into the tournament.

 

Everyone at the table laughs.

 

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Screw you!  We're getting in!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic No, actually, you're not.  It would completely defeat the purpose of going to Tennessee if SMS actually made it in.  That's why VCU is getting in instead.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wha-???

Image and video hosting by TinyPic That's right.  I've called in some favors and VCU will play-in versus Clemson.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Not that I'm not appreciative, but this is crazy.  No one will believe we deserve to be in the tourney.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic They'll believe it when VCU and Butler face each other in the Final Four.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic What the hell???

Image and video hosting by TinyPic The odds of two mid-major teams reaching the Final Four are approximately 1,293,641 to 1.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Never tell me the odds Poindexter.  Butler's already in, but as for VCU-

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wait a minute... according to this bracket you're showing us, if VCU gets in that means they have to beat Purdue!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Matt, just listen-

Image and video hosting by TinyPic No way in hell!  No way!  I will not sell out my alma mater like that!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Aren't you the one always crying about how Purdue doesn't support basketball, about how the arena doesn't have air conditioning, about how Morgan Burke makes you go down to the swim complex with him and help him get into his wet suit?

Image and video hosting by TinyPic I- Sometimes he makes me shave him.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Paint, if you let these people walk all over you, you'll never get your big payday.  That's why you're going to interview for the Mizzou job.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic But... I don't want to leave Purdue.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic You won't.  That's why Cuonzo has to go to Tennessee.  Without him as a backup, Purdue will give you anything you want to stay.  Especially after I drop some toto the local "media".  I promise you, Bernie Dispatch will have the Purdue faithful whipped into a frenzy with reports from "sources" saying you're gone. Kimmie's going to help with that by trolling the hell out of Twitter.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic It’s the role I was born to play!

 

English sends out a cryptic tweet containing only the word ‘pancake’ and immediately gets retweeted 500 times

 

Image and video hosting by TinyPic No no no, this will never work.  Burke is too much of a tightwad.  He once made me drive a VW Beetle on a recruiting trip.  Have you ever tried to fit a 7'2" power forward in a Beetle?  I even had to pay for my own oil changes.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Paint, trust me.  We're going to work the Purdue faithful into such a frenzy that Burke will have to pay you if he wants to keep his job.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic But how?

 

The door opens to reveal Nancy Cross, the sultry Purdue Senior Associate Athletic Director for Development and Sports, framed in the doorway.

 

Image and video hosting by TinyPic That's my job.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Nancy!

 

Cross saunters over to Alden.

 

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Hammer up?

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Boiler down, baby.

 

Alden and Cross kiss passionately.

 

Image and video hosting by TinyPic I don't understand.  No one even knows who Nancy is.

 

Cross breaks the kiss and pulls a folded piece of paper out of her cleavage and hands it to Painter.

 

Image and video hosting by TinyPic They will after I issue this press release.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic 'Ironically, I believe we would not be in this situation had more than 11% of our current membership...' My god Nancy!  You can't release this!  The alumni will go nuts!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Exactly.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic And then they'll... they'll...

Image and video hosting by TinyPic They'll pony up the cash to keep you at home.  A raise, money for assistants, air conditioning for your arena.  Whatever you want.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic My god, that's brilliant!  I'm in!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic OK, this is all fine and good, but for VCU to get to the Final Four, there's still the little issue of facing #1 Kansas in the Elite Eight.  I mean, what are the chances that Kansas loses to a mid-major in the tournament?

 

Everyone at the table bursts out laughing.

 

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Oh, I get it.  OK, I'm in.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Ah, I see!  By getting two mid-majors into the Final Four and connecting them to vacant coaching jobs, you drive up our market value prompting raises from our current employers!  It's a simple application of the law of supply and demand!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic That's right Mr. Wizard!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic But Mike, that still leaves Missouri without a coach.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Haitheraide, are you sick of Miami yet?

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Hell yes!  Even North Carolina State laughs at us.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Then welcome to Missouri, Coach!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Woo hoo!  I'll do it for $2 million!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic ...

Image and video hosting by TinyPic $1.75 million!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic ...

Image and video hosting by TinyPic $1.5 million!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Deal.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Oh, I get it!  And then you hire me as an assistant at Missouri!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Sure, whatever. And then Lon takes the Oklahoma job.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Woo hoo!  I'm back in the Big XII baby!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic This plan is so crazy, it just might work!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic It will work if everyone sticks to the plan.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic That still leaves one loose thread.  Who gets the Miami job?

The door to the room explodes inward.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

BOOM BABY!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Boom baby!

The End

<em>FanPosts may be posted by any RMN member and may not reflect the views of the management staff of Rock M Nation or SB Nation.</em>

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