To understand this historical tragic-comic-history first conceived by Dan Beebe, truly the Shakespeare of our time. In fact his ability to combine comedy and tragedy is probably far beyond the Bard.
Texas is Hamlet- Obviously, they have everything going for them. Of course, they also have an agenda that is half arrogance and half insanity. Will their plan work? Yes. Will they do it in the most destructive way possible so that every major character dies? Yes. Will they drag it out Kenneth Branagh style making sure to say every last annoying word on paper? Yes. Do they care? No. They will still be Hamlet, death doesn't reflect poorly in a search for glory.
Texas A&M is Laertes- Sure, Texas stabbed your father, thinks little of you, and is frequently implied to have despoiled your sister. That does not mean you should hatch up some plan with the help of the King that results in you dying. Alas, Texas A&M didn't go to university and instead went to France and pranced around with some whores.
Baylor is Ophelia- Deflowered by Texas (Allegedly), Then sort of manhandled by everybody, Finds comfort in insanity or having Kenneth Starr as your President, drowns in a river but looks good doing it. Everyone covers up the evidence, and gives her a Christian burial somewhere in the second-tier
Texas Tech is One of the guards- Has anyone had less of a part to play in this than Texas Tech? They however support the young prince and plan to follow him to certain death.
Oklahoma is Fortinbras- They are the only one benefiting from this madness. They already have credibility and are just leveraging to get back what they lost during the John Blake era to Texas. After the dust clears, most likely they will be the only completely victorious party.
Oklahoma State is Osric- Just a courtier. They have none of the power, some of the money (Okay, most of the money.), and are just hear to announce Fortinbras has kicked everyone's ass and would like to acknowledge us, his cohort in battle.
Missouri is Queen Gertrude- Basically shacks up with whoever will take her despite being one of the few reasonable characters in the story. She is somewhat responsible for everything and truly responsible for nothing. A story in Missouri athletics.
Kansas and Kansas State are Gravediggers- Particularly talented during the winter months. Nobody thinks much of him though when the ground is not hard. Witty tongue, but alas too infrequently used. Good for a lashing of Texas once in a while.
Iowa State is Polonius- Just as likely as anyone to get stabbed behind a curtain when no one is looking. Also, like the idea of Iowa State being Texas A&M's daddy. (Ducks incoming Aggie vitriol about being ten times the program Iowa State is)
Colorado and Nebraska are Rosencrantz and Guildenstern-Oh, they used to be friends of Hamlet, but really it seems they really hate that guy. Always beating them to a pulp and then flashing his sword at them whispering, "I can strangle you both in your sleep." Now, off to happier places. No better for it, but happier. Most likely going to be killed on the field of battle by Fortinbras or Hawaii in the future.
ESPN is Claudius. They are the usurpers, they are the driving force, they are the one giving Hamlet their freedom to be an ass, they push Laertes to madness, and they most certainly put the Craig James/Jesse Palmer poison in our ears. And what does that make us, the dead king, I guess.