FanPost

Big 12 EXPANSIONAPALOOZA as "A Christmas Story" characters

Normally I hate these sorts of things, yet here I went and put one together...

 

Ralph "Ralphie" Parker (Texas A&M) wants only one thing for Christmas, a Red Ryder BB Gun (the SEC). While using various schemes to try to get him this gift he continually bumps into objections from others. Ralphie will do anything to not have to make nice with the Pink Bunny pajamas (Longhorn Network).

Scut Farkus (Texas) is the neighborhood bully. He is an enemy to everyone, even toadie Grover Dill (Texas Tech), who gets his shoulder punches in once in awhile but is careful not to cross the line and will stick by Farkus hoping to ride Farkus' coattails wherever he goes. Toadie Grover Dill (Tech) only hopes that Farkus does not choose to go independent, leaving Dill with nowhere to turn. Scut Farkus (Texas) has little actual connection to the Pink Bunny pajamas (LHN) because they were really created and developed by Aunt Clara (ESPN), but Farkus would not hesitate to use the Pink Bunny pajamas (LHN) in any way possible to further bully Ralphie (A&M).

Mrs. Parker (Oklahoma) does not like that Ralphie (A&M) wants the Red Rider BB Gun (SEC) and would never giftwrap it for him, but ultimatly will not stand in the way. She initially thought she liked the idea of the Pink Bunny pajamas, she wished she could create bunny pajamas of her own. But reality set in as she realized that she didn't quite have the same resources. So on second thought, she understood the destruction it would cause and ultimately she facilitated placing regulations on the Pink Bunny pajamas (LHN). Mrs. Parker (OU) is also the only person in the world with knowledge of The Lone Ranger's nephew's horse, Victor (Oklahoma State). Victor is a burden on Mrs. Parker because if she forgets about him, he will be lost forever. For which Victor is eternally grateful although Victor (OSU) never really has to do anything special for Mrs. Parker (OU) to earn that respect.

Santa Claus (Baylor) aggresively warns Ralphie (A&M) of the dangers of getting a Red Rider BB Gun (SEC) while Miss Shields (Iowa State) makes a slightly less assertive pitch, yet no less discouraging, in attempting to keep Ralphie from getting his Red Rider BB Gun.

Ralphie (A&M) finally rebels and escapes the oppression of Farkus (Texas), much to the surprise of everyone else in the story, such as Flick (Kansas) and Schwartz (Kansas State). Flick and Schwartz are actually friends, though you'd never know it judging by the way they treat each other. Flick (KU), despite his advantages, continues to allow himself to be influenced by the wannabe bully Schwartz (KSU). Schwartz meanwhile, takes great pride in bullying Flick because he's incapable of bullying anyone else.

Randy Parker (Missouri) is excited that Ralphie (A&M) eventually got his Red Rider BB Gun (SEC) because it bodes well for his future ability to get the same someday. But Randy has his own challenges as he tends to get all wrapped up and repeatedly seems unable to go anywhere.

The leg lamp (Dan Beebe) stood front and center telling everyone on the outside that things inside couldn't be going any better. But inside, the Christmas Turkey (Big XII) was getting picked apart and seemed to be gone forever. Mrs. Parker (Oklahoma) sounded sincere about her intentions claiming to only be dusting, although everyone knew she was lying. Intentional or not, she still managed to break the leg lamp (Beebe).

Mr. Parker, aka The Old Man (Chuck Neinas), sets out to salvage what he can. He's taking charge of replacing the Christmas Turkey with Peking Duck. The Old Man (Neinas) helped put to rest the threats from Santa Claus (Baylor) and Miss Shields (Iowa State), enabling Ralphie (A&M) to finally get his Red Rider BB Gun (SEC). But now, to get the car (reformed Big XII) rolling again, the Old Man first has to replace a blownout tire (departed Big XII schools), but he's probably going to have to fix it with scavenged lugnuts (Big East schools) and something round that was once made of rubber (SMU?).

FanPosts may be posted by any RMN member and may not reflect the views of the management staff of Rock M Nation or SB Nation.

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