Ask Old Man Football

Friends, last week I provided you my email address and the first message I received was from a young woman named Anabella who sent me unspeakably filthy pictures of herself and asked if I wanted to do something called a “webcam.” This was not the kind of question I was expecting, though it was not entirely unwelcome.

So, I’ll reiterate that if you’re lovelorn, confused or curious, send your questions to and I’ll do my best to set you on the proper path.

Dear Old Man Football: Did you see Europe’s comeback over the weekend to tie the United States and retain the Ryder Cup? – 18th Green with Envy.

Dear 18th Green: Ryder Cup? Is that golf? (I sometimes confuse golf with croquet among the sub-genre of lawn leisure that involves men in sweaters striking balls with sticks). Because the event occurred over the weekend (if I can trust your information), a time when football is played nearly round-the-clock, I missed it, though I can’t imagine that I would enjoy any activity in which the commies can declare victory with a tie. You don’t claim a conquest when you kiss your sister. Unless, of course, you’re ZouDave.

The closest I ever came to such a spectacle was one Saturday night years ago after Michigan won at the Horseshoe and Schembechler and I shared a quart of Wild Turkey while playing darts on Woody’s lawn. The old bastard just peeked through the blinds and muttered while Bo and I loudly slurred “we’re aerating it for you, Woodrow; you’ll have to spread the seed yourself.”

Back to golf (or croquet). It doesn’t surprise me that the pinkos might be good at such a pursuit given that they have no real sports to speak of, and that they surely were playing against our weak and infirm boys who lack the fortitude to handle the rigors of the gridiron or even a dainty game like baseball. It’s nice that they can have something, I suppose. I can only imagine how many tea sandwiches were consumed in the aftermath.

Dear Old Man Football: What do you think about CBS’s decision to nationally televise the Missouri-Alabama game? – I Burn for Verne.

Dear I Burn: I assume that it’s some sort of promotional tie-in with CSI. When the game’s over, Sam Malone and Coach (or is it Woody now?) will spray and swab the field looking for DNA to identify the remains of the massacred losing squad. They should go ahead and get a sample from Alabama now so as to make the matching easier.

Dear Old Man Football: Did you see DGB TCB? – 15 is the New 9.

Dear 15: Indeed. R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Dear Old Man Football: I have a question about the evolution of the forward pass. Has West Virginia perfected it? What would happen if they played Alabama? – Yelling Out Side Till I Split Bawling Angry Dude.

Dear . . . you: The forward pass, yes, a precocious little thing. You want to pat its head, carry it around in a purse. Charming. Adorable. West Virginia and Baylor put on quite the display, didn’t they? But if the Mountaineers played ‘Bama? They might score four points after Nick Saban put in his sixth string upon building an insurmountable 9-0 lead in the second quarter. But they’d look awfully pretty in all their games leading up. Yes sir, like they were all dressed up for the cotillion.

Dear Old Man Football: Isn’t that last answer logically inconsistent with your answer about CSI identifying Alabama’s remains? – Nitpicker.

Dear Nitpicker: Brussels sprouts!

Dear Old Man Football: If Henry Josey were an early 20th Century crooner, who would he be? – RPT.

Dear RPT: This guy, because he was always great but he went away for a while and then came back as ferocious as ever.

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