Once more, with feeling

Here I sit, on the eve of the last (?) Missouri Tiger home basketball home game against the University of Kansas, finding myself in a special place as a sports fan. On the one hand, this night brings to mind a lifetime of history and fond memories. I'm 29 years old and have spent the last 23 of those years here in Missouri, loving all things black and gold, hating all things crimson and blue. I loved this rivalry. I loved the football rivalry, even when Mangino had Pinkel's number before Pinkel had Mangino's number. I loved the basketball rivalry even when we disappeared into the black hole of the post-Quin years. I loved that my school had what few others do; a true, deep-seated rivalry. The type of rivalry in which the things we're most ashamed of are also strangely a source of pride.

I suppose I should clarify that last statement; while there have been many, many incidents in the rivalry of Missouri and Kansas that are shameful to both sides, from the outlaws on both sides of the Civil War to the frequent and usually unique harassment that visiting fans and players get, it seems like something of a badge of honor to have such a storied, vicious rivalry. When Missouri and Kansas get together, anything can happen on or off the field. And while fact has led to numerous embarrassments throughout the years, stepping back and looking at the collage of sports hate the episodes of real hate fade into the background and we're left with two schools, two fan-bases that really love to hate each other.

I don't doubt that we'll develop rivalries with new schools, that Arkansas or Kentucky or Tennessee will be on the receiving end of a few creative and/or vulgar chants from the student section over the course of the next 100 years. Still, I can't help but feel a real sense of loss today, a feeling that's highlighted by how great this year's basketball game promises to be. Of course, it could be a blowout, too; on the one hand, Tiger fans carry cups with us after years of being caught off-guard, and on the other, this team seems capable of blowing out almost anyone at home when they get rolling. I have a feeling, though, that it will be a great game, a feeling that comes from the core of my understanding of the universe and my place in it. It's just a game, but it's a game that has meant so much to so many for so long...it would just feel right for this one to go down to the wire.

Thinking on that great, close game that I imagine tomorrow night will bring, the rivalry loses its imperfections in my mind. I remember the good times, the bad times, the moments of sheer joy, relief, horror or shock, and I miss them all. It's been said that losing hurts more than winning feels good, and I've come to realize that sports fandom is somewhat empty without real fear of losing. And losing never strikes fear into a fans like the possibility of losing to your biggest rival.

Beating Kansas, or losing to Kansas, always meant something, regardless of the date or situation. For years losing meant learning a lesson that I as a St. Louis Cardinal fan might not have learned otherwise: it sucks to be the Cubs. It really does. A win versus a rival like Kansas, I've learned over the years, meant so much more just because of how much I hate losing to them. If you're a Jayhawk and you're reading this with some sarcastic comment in mind, go ahead and post it. I love that part of the rivalry too.

We love things that make us care in this world. Stories, causes, sports; we love to feel the strong emotions these things bring out in us. And Missouri versus Kansas has always, will always make me care, now as much as ever. And tomorrow night what I care most about is seeing one of the greatest rivalries in American sports go out in style.