Better Know An Opponent: Auburn

ghtd36 is off busy writing up some sort of Texas football porn bible thing and as such has not been able to provide us with a Better Know An Opponent for the SEC rundown. Seeing as I literally have nothing to do most days I thought I'd give it a whirl.

Today’s profile: the Auburn University Tigers

1. Auburn University (AU or Auburn) is a public university located in Alabama, United States. It currently has more than 25,000 students and 1,200 faculty members. Auburn was chartered on February 7, 1856, as the East Alabama Male College, a private liberal arts school. This is the first thing that jumped out to me immediately, It was a male only private liberal arts school!

This picture came up when I did a google image search for Alabama liberal arts school:


I dont really know what it means, but I think its somewhere along the lines of "eff the man!"

2. Something I learned whilst actually reading about Auburn on the always factually correct wikipedia was that "Auburn is among the few American universities designated as a land-grant, sea-grant, and space-grant research center." Now I know what the first two are, but I had never even heard of a "space-grant research center". Once I found out that it in face meant a space research type institution, the first thing that came to mind was of course:


This instantly made Auburn 38 times cooler. A freaking tiger in space with throwing stars that obviously has a serious disdain for kansas? Sign me the eff up to be buddies with this school!

It is also well known that space tigers would have been infinitely more helpful against that bastard Khan!


I mean, the dude looks like a genetically created half human, half lion sex machine. Only a freaking ninja space tiger could one up that combo, and Aubie has that sheet locked down.

3. Auburn's football team has a fairly successful history to it. Apparently at one point in the 50's they were coached by Marion "Suge" Knight, yes the same man that held Vanilla Ice over a balcony by his ankles and also ruined every rapper signed to the Death Row label.

Here the legendary coach is seen with what appears to be an irate Randall Cunningham:


4. There are rumors on the interwebs that Auburn also uses some sort of chant about an eagle going to war. It apparently has something to do with not being able to count properly.


Famous Auburn alum are known to support said eagles. Rumors have been noted that they include outfitting real eagles with razor sharp titanium talons and an ability to drop acidic turds on opposing players. One notable former Auburn baseball player, Dennis Rodman, is seen here with an eagle in training:


5. Auburn does have a basketball team, but like most of the rest of the SEC, no one really knows where or when they play. At the very least they have some decent talent on the sidelines:


6. Any other sports that they might be good at but most people dont really care or talk about at all or much and stuff?

Auburn's Equestrian team captured the 2006 national championship, the first equestrian national championship in school history.

How about that? Freaking horses! They ride horses around and jump stuff, that doesn't suck!

Heres the team apparently breaking it down in a barn of some sort.


Those of us who grew up in small towns and drank more than once in a barn can appreciate the smell of horse crap and Busch heavies! I mean, I bedded more than, well we'll just call her not small individual, in my many barn parties.

Auburn also does not suck at swimming. One of their most effective training routines involves listening to and then choreographing dance numbers for Donna Summer songs. Here they are in the full swing of things:


I know ghtd loved him some Embarrassing Alumni, so in that vein, here ya go:


The first geriatric American Idol winner, Taylor Hicks!


Lionel Freaking Richie, yes it was you that I was looking for.


Cam Newton, he spent all of his $180k stipend on this wedding gown. Sadly I can say I've seen worse.


The CEO of Microsoft!

Well, Auburn, I have to say you really are the cats meow!


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