Weirdly the first BKAP that I did yesterday actually turned out to not suck nearly as bad as I had though when I read it. Since you all seemed to like it, I thought what the heck, I'll go ahead and cover Bama. Since the people who actually know how to write on this lovely interweb location covered the Tide last week, I'm only a few days behind.
Anywho...on to the Crimson Tide!
1. History! Alabama became a state of the United States of America on December 14, 1819. This makes Bama approx. 2 years older than our great state of Missouri. Tuscaloosa, AL served as the capitol of the state for a 20 year stretch from 1826-1846. Wikipedia claims that the capitol was moved to make place for Bear Bryant's ego.
Tell me this photo does not scream "I've got swagger!"
2. The University of Alabama at Tuscaloosa is the official name of the university. It is considered the "capstone of the public school system in the state." Here is an early picture of the university:
Unfortunately all of the buildings shown above were burnt down on April 4th 1865. This was 10 days before Abraham Lincoln was shot, which some Bamer's have claimed was due to yet another errant Brodie Croyle shot.
UA has some unfortunate history of its own also. George Wallace standing on the steps and not permitting African American students entry is a now iconic image. Alabama is a proud member of "The South" and as such still loves them some confederate flag flying. This might be the most perfect example of such behavior on record:
Rumors are swirling that this is also the chief contributor to Roll Bama Roll.
Students on campus today have found a new charismatic personality to rally behind, this guy:
Yes, he ran for student body president recently. I don't care if he did or did not win. Being that damn handsome alone deserves mention in these hollowed annals.
The nickname Crimson Tide originates from a 1907 football game versus Auburn University in Birmingham where, after a hard-fought game in torrential rain in which Auburn had been heavily favored to win, Alabama forced a tie.
I'm sorry Bamer's, but that might just be the worst damn way to come about for a team name or nickname or whatever in the history of all man kind. Seriously, you couldn't come up with some awesome space tiger like your cross state competition? Shame on you!
Alabama also does not appear to have any mascot of any kind. What the hell is wrong with you people? Don't you want an awesome tiger or bear or something menacing running down the sidelines threatening to eat the competition? Oh wait, you do have one, a damn elephant!
That is not a mascot! That is a creepy stuffed animal that my little sister had when she was a kid. Seriously, even the real animal is only menacing if your smuggling some peanuts through the African sahara. All you have to do is go 59 miles down the road to see a truly bad ass mascot.
Thats right, a damn dragon. A tiny inferior school has a freaking dragon that can burn down entire cities like the armies of the north, and you have a stuffed freaking elephant. I already hate you Bama.
4. Sports Teams
According to the university website, Alabama has and I quote, "mens football and some stuff that girls do." That sounds about right to me. The football team has quite an awesome claim to fame, they are the only college football team listed on wikipedia to have "claimed national titles" listed.
Alabama football also has the distinct pleasure of having the shortest coach in all of college sports leading them into battle every saturday. Here coach Saban is seen at spring practices:
Saban is also apparently in some hot water for wearing "dong hats" in public.
Bama's women's gymnastics team while being a multi time team national champion, seems to certainly know its place at the university.
The Tide also have a recent national champion softball team to brag about. Not only can these girls play ball, but they are apparently unafraid to "cut a beeottch".
We should also never forget that Alabama has been proud to include one of the purest American's of all time amongst its student-athlete ranks.
Now its time for Teppers favorite piece of nostalgia, Embarrassing Alumni!
The CHOKE artist himself, Latrell Sprewell!
"The frailest human being alive" Brodie Croyle
Joe "I just wanna kiss you" Namath, my personal favorite drunk of all time.
Mike Shula, lolz.
Dicky Pride, no I am nowhere near clever enough to come up with this myself. Also, could this be the leader for golfer who doesn't need to change his name for porn?
Terin Humphrey, she did nothing wrong but win 2 silver medals in the Olympics and had the horrible misfortune to go to high school with yours truly.
Bernie Madoff, ouch. Dont worry Bama, we have freaking Ken Lay in our past.
Well, Alabama, I gotta say aside from not being about to county properly, your not too bad. Plus you make Missouri look super cosmopolitan in comparison. So here's to you patrolling the high seas!