Better Know An Opponent: South Carolina

This is the (mumblemumble) in a (mumblemumble)-part series highlighting five things you may not know about Mizzou’s new conference bunkmates. Please keep in mind that while everything below is true, it’s meant in jest.

Today’s profile: the South Carolina Gamecocks.

1) South Carolina is old. I mean, really, really, old. Remember when you would go over to your grandparents’ house, and it’d have that distinct smell of moth balls and hard candy and general joint pain, and that’s the smell you just associated with age for the rest of your formative years? I imagine South Carolina reeks of that.

Anyways, South Carolina College was founded on December 19, 1801. By my calculations, that’s at least 60 years old. And, oh, what a surprise, an SEC school with a major history in the Civil War, I wonder what side they supported OH THE SIDE THAT LOST.

Back in 1862, the Confederate army took over the college to convert it to a hospital. Three years later, the Union took over the college, which didn’t get destroyed because it was a hospital (aww, the Union, such sweeties).

It was eventually turned back into a college at the end of 1865, but if you look hard enough, there are still some signs of its use as a Civil War hospital scattered around the campus.

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2) Allow me, very briefly, to launch into a rant.

You see, the University of South Carolina is, as you may know, known as the Gamecocks. They got that name from Thomas Sumter, a South Carolina Revolutionary War war hero who was known as the Carolina Gamecock, since he was pretty small but fierce. Sumter was kind of a badass, and he even got a fort named after him (where the first shots of the Civil War were fired).

So, South Carolina is the Gamecocks. But you see, South Carolina thinks it is really, really clever. South Carolina likes to shorten their mascot to simply Cocks, which – you may not know this – is a rather crude synonym for the penis.

But not only does South Carolina shorten their mascot to Cocks…they like to put the word Cock into almost everything associated with South Carolina. And I mean everything.

The mascot? Cocky.

The stadium? Williams-Brice Stadium, known as the Cockpit.

The transit system? ShuttleCock.

They print hats with "Cocks" on them. They print shirts with "Cocks" on them. But if you were to go up to a South Carolina fan and be like, "Man, that’s kind of crude and childish," they’d probably say, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WE’RE JUST PROUD OF OUR SCHOOL MASCOT!" and act like they have no idea what you’re talking about.

"HA HA WE PUT A DIRTY WORD ON OUR CAP AND ON OUR STADIUM AND ON OUR TRANSIT SYSTEM HAHA DOUBLE ENTENDRES!"

But when you beat childish gag after childish gag into the ground, when you try to be as cleverly crude as you can be just for the giggles, when you tell the same couple of unoriginal jokes that only you and a select few people find funny, you know what you become?

You become Dane Cook.

You are the Dane Cook of the SEC, South Carolina.

/rant

3) And now, it’s time for "ghtd36 Unfairly Captions Photos From The Opposing School’s Website"!

(Which, by the way, they nabbed ‘sc.edu." Asleep at the wheel, Trojans?)

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4) Screw the Opening Ceremonies, it’s Embarrassing Alumni Time!

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Rep. Joe Wilson, who shouted "You lie!" at the President during a speech to Congress. USE YOUR INSIDE VOICE, JOE.

HOLY CRAP ALL OF HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH.

Former Ranger great Justin Smoak.

The worse Mike Dunleavy.

Noted sexist golf club chairman Hootie Johnson.

WWE ring announcer Lilian Garcia. She went to the Mean Gene Okerlund School of Communications.

5) The central part of the USC campus is The Horseshoe, which is where the oldest buildings on campus are located. It’s been around since the school opened, and it’s in the National Register of Historic Places.

And you can see why it’s named that.

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However, plans to make The Horseshoe even more Horseshoe-y were summarily rejected.

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Yeah, that’s the Washington Monument. I’m accusing South Carolina of conspiring to steal the Washington Monument. THAT’S HOW BETTER KNOW AN OPPONENT ROLLS. SEC! SEC!

Tune in next week for another installment of Better Know An Opponent!

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