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Calling all you Chase Pattons, you Corbin Berkstressers, and even you 2010 James Franklins out there, listen up. I'm about to inflate your egos by going so far as to saying you have it better than just about anyone else involved in sports. You are the backup quarterback, and I plan on making you the shining role model for my future son who will be 6'4", 240 pounds with a rocket arm and handsome smile. I know this because by the time I have kids I will be able to pay a doctor a small portion of my future giant salary to make damn sure that's what my son will be like. So while I'm in the backyard tossing the pigskin around with the fruit of my loins, I'm not going to encourage him to aspire to be on top. I want him to be number two, and I have a few good reasons for it.

First off, I want my son, Chorbin Pattonstresser Cribbs, to know that the backup quarterback on just about any team that doesn't have a Hall of Fame quarterback under center (or in the shotgun LOOKING AT YOU GARY) is everyone's favorite player. My son will be universally loved for no real reason other than he is not the one on the field making mistakes. Fanbases around the country will chant his name in adoration, crowning him as the Savior of their lost franchise, and he won't even have to do anything to prove it. He may get the ball for a few plays near the end of a game in which he will most likely be going up against the opposition's backup players as well, and he will SHINE.

He will also need to know that just because he isn't QB1, he's still a QB. He'll still get free drinks at the bars around town, he'll still get multiple hot girls to ride around on his scooter with him (even third string QBs get this benefit), and he'll still get his name in the news. Quarterbacks are the ultimate sports celebrity, and backup quarterbacks are no exception. The only stipulation here is that you have to make sure you DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EARN THE STARTING JOB. These benefits will disappear after your first interception, injury, or loss to an ultimately superior team. Just look at former Chiefs backup QB Brodie Croyle. He was the "future". He was a record-breaking passer at Alabama. He had a rocket arm. He SUCKED. He got hit once and suffered some sort of chronic injury that apparently crippled his QB capabilities for life. And now he's a nobody. He went from being every Chiefs fan's hope for the future to every Chiefs fan not knowing where the hell he even plays now. Is he even still alive?... Well, he had a hot wife, so there's that.

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(Who needs football, fame, or fortune when you've got THIS waiting at home for you?!)

Chorbin will have unlimited talent. Or so his fans will think. The starting QB of his team will make an ill-advised decision, and the fans will all turn to each other with complete confidence and state that "Chorbin would have made that throw every time." Chorbin's arm will have unlimited power, and he would NEVER turn the ball over because only QB1 is stupid enough to do that. His coaches will be seen as idiots, because why the hell would this guy who can make every throw imaginable be benched behind this guy who CAN'T EVEN SCORE A TOUCHDOWN AGAINST A TOP TEN TEAM ON THE ROAD WITH A BEAT UP OFFENSIVE LINE AND AN INJURY TO HIS THROWING SHOULDER?!? That's not to say that Chorbin isn't capable of leading the offense more efficiently than that dude above him on the depth chart, but once he gets thrown into the fire with the opportunity to prove that to the fans, things have taken a turn for the worst.

Bottom line, my pride and joy Chorbin Pattonstresser Cribbs will be a backup quarterback. Sports aren't about putting the best guy out there to give your team the best chance to win, it's about succumbing to the will of the fans. They are ultimately the experts, not those overpaid morons on the sidelines who do this football thing full-time, and they will know my son is the best player on their beloved team. His coaches will hold him back, his fans will worship at his alter, and he will forever be remembered as the greatest player who never had to play. In the end, the fans are ALWAYS right... Right?

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