The Athletic Director Texas Needs

Ladies and Gentlemen, these have been trying times for the great State of Texas and for the University of Texas in particular. It hasn't been a whole lot of fun watching that Aggie quarterback running around like a bronco with a burr in his saddle, and it certainly hasn't been much fun watching ole Bobbie Stoops come down to the Fairgrounds every year and walk away with our conference. Oh sure, we're certainly a friendlier bunch here in the Big XII now we've sent packing those troublemakers Missouri, Nebraska, A&M, and... um... wherever that other place was. But I'm not gonna lie, a great promise has gone unfulfilled, that being the promise that a ten game round robin schedule would guarantee Texas a spot in the National Championship Game. Friends, boosters, alumni, I am here to make good on that promise. I'm here to step into the oversized boots of a great man named Deloss Dodds. Deloss is a fine man who brought our fine University through some pretty bad storms. But like all great cowboys, it's time for him to ride off into the sunset and make way for someone new. You might have heard rumors floating around of potential replacements, but you can just ignore that talk. I, Gaknar, am the Athletic Director this University needs. I understand some of you might be skeptical of my qualifications. Well folks, I'm gonna calm your fears right here, right now. I have in my hands a list of questions sent to me by passionate alumni, asking me how I intend to turn this boat around. If I may, I'd like to read some of these letters to you.

Gakner, I'm getting sick of losing to Oklahoma. Can you promise that our next head coach will make that game competitive? - Lauren Montague Class of '15, Austin, TX

Darlin', there is nothing more important in college football than tradition. Well, maybe profit, but tradition is a close second. Our rivalry with Oklahoma is one of the greatest in all of sports. Who would have guessed that an insignificant skirmish over water rights fought between two egotistical jackasses a hundred years ago would grow into one of the greatest spectacles in sports? I am absolutely committed to making the Red River Rivalry competitive again. After all, if the Big XII 10 team round robin format is ever going to fulfill the promise of an easy path to the National Championship for Texas, we need to start beating Oklahoma. And maybe killing Bill Snyder and Art Briles. That said Lauren, we need to remember that we have bigger goals at Texas than beating Oklahoma: National Championships. Leave the preening over the Red River Rivalry to the good folks in Norman. God knows it's the only game they have to look forward to. Ole Bobbie Stoops has to eat his cereal out of the box because he lost all his bowls.

Gaknar, I miss the A&M rivalry. Is there any chance of renewing these games in the future? - H. Wilbur Harrington Class of '45, Carrollton, TX

Mr. Harrington, thank you for your question and your very generous donation to the Athletic Department. I don't yet know what we will spend it on but I assure you Sir that it will be garish and overcompensating. As far as our friends in College Station, sometimes little brother just has to go out on his own and we respect that decision. Sure, their defection has opened the state of Texas up to the ruthless recruiters from the SEC. And sure they've raised $700 million because of the move. And yes, thier game ratings are so high they make the LHN look like a cable access channel. But you have to remember what's important. The troops. God bless America. And besides, do we really miss the Aggies all that much? I mean, animal husbandry at A&M isn't just a major, it's a lifestyle. And you would not believe how hard it is to get the stench of bat guano out of a uniform. Anyway, the way I figure, the Aggies are eventually going to regret moving to the SEC. Sure, it may be decades from now, but it'll happen just like it has with Missouri. I would say that a bad year in Texas is better than a good year in Missouri, but Mizzou lost to Syracuse. In football. If that's a good year, I don't think any insults are necessary.

Gaknar, this is going to be an insane year for coaching hires, what with Texas, USC and maybe Nebraska all having openings. What will you do as Athletic Director to ensure that we get the best head football coach available? - Addison Evans Class of '94, San Antonio, TX

Darlin', I'll tell you exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to put my arm around Nick Saban the candidate and I'm going to say, "Texas." That's it. We're not Oklahoma State, we don't need to use hostesses to land our recruits. Besides, I've seen those girls in Stillwater and the only men they're going to get are Aggie Yell Leaders. Anyway, you can't call yourself a Texan if you can't close a deal. And really Addison, you're putting too much stock in those other jobs. California recruits are soft. Too much time at the beach. Look at what that job did to Lane Kiffen. Good kid there, I know his dad. Boy, he's got that Cowboys defense humming like a German sports car that Tony Romo repeatedly drives into a ditch. But anyway, no coach is going to choose the sun and surf of California over the... atmosphere... of Austin. That reminds me, I need to pick up air fresheners on the way home. And Nebraska? Well, assuming Bo Pelini doesn't go all Donner Party on the fanbase on his way out, would any coach really want to hitch his wagon to a shooting star? Let's be honest Darlin', the state of Nebraska is Iowa without the charm. You know what they call a Nebraska quarterback in the NFL? A safety. Post-apocalyptic road warriors drive up to the Nebraska border, say "Nope" and turn around and head back into the radiation zone. Good people though. Real polite.

Gaknar, I'm really concerned with our recruiting troubles. The state of Texas has the best recruits in the nation, but we can't seem to get them. What are you going to do as Athletic Director to improve our in-state recruiting? - Melanie Webber Class of '89, Wichita Falls, TX

Melanie, I'm glad you asked that. Football in Texas is more than a sport, it's a religion, and we embody that spirit at the University of Texas. I want to assure you that the quality of recruits at UT is as high as it's ever been. While some programs may focus on outdated concepts like hard work, effective coaching and scouting reports, the University of Texas believes that any problem can be solved by throwing an enormous amount of money at it, pretending that you know what you're doing and then blaming the critics when they call you out for it. That's how we got rid of Missouri.

Gaknar, as much as I love football, I'm getting kind of concerned with the gaudiness of it all. I mean, we have children starving in this country and we're spending millions of dollars on gold-plated dumbbells. It just feels wrong somehow. - Wade Petersen Class of '12, Arlington, TX

First off son, the dumbbells are chrome plated. Gold's too maleable for dumbbells. Trust me, I've looked into it. Second, I understand where you're coming from. Sometimes I look upon the landscape of college athletics and wonder if we as a society have lost our way. Is the irrational exuberance displayed by elite programs distorting America's views on prosperity and happiness, or is the gratuitous show-boating merely a symptom of our decline as a country? Am I contributing to this cultural degradation by participating in this grotesque cabaret? Then I remember how much I'm going to get paid and I forget about all of that. Wade, conspicuous consumption is what draws in the recruits. Recruits today don't want to hear about how hard work and self-sacrifice are necessary to succeed in life. They want the swag. Look at Alabama. They have a damn waterfall in their locker room. Why would you put a waterfall in a locker room? Because when a recruit goes into that locker room, the first thing he's going to say is, "Damn, that's one big m********ing waterfall!" Next thing you know, he's signing the LOI. Saban understands. That's why my first task as Athletic Director will be to construct a 30,000 gallon piranha tank in the visitor's locker room. And I apologize for the profanity, but that's how young people talk today. "Did you see that m*********ing piranha tank?" "Tots! It was rando!" I don't get it either, but I know what sells and piranha tanks sell.

Gaknar, the LHN is nothing more than an ostentatious monument to one man's colossal ego. It has driven away long-time conference mates, ended centuries-old rivalries, and prevented the Big XII Conference from adopting a modern and progressive conference network model. As Texas AD, what are your plans for the LHN? - Andrea Yates Class of ‘92, Sugarland, TX

Darlin', you say ostentatious, I say Austin-tatious. The Longhorn Network is a model for college athletics. It allows Texas to benefit from the fruits of our own labor while permitting our conference mates a brief illusion of shared prosperity right up until Missouri's payout money disappears. Despite the problems with poor distribution, limited content and angry alumni, it's important to remember that the LHN has been an unqualified success in making us an ass load of money. And not a metric ass load either, an American ass load. This isn't France. As for ESPN, I've heard the rumors that they're having second thoughts, but that's why God created contract law. If the Mouse don't like it, next time he can read the fine print.

Gaknar, I have AT&T UVerse which means I get to watch LHN! Unfortunately, the only football games the channel shows is Texas State, Rice and Kansas. That barely qualifies as football. Are we ever going to get any good games? - Trevor Wilson Class of '08, Houston, TX

Sometimes you go home with the hottie, sometimes you go home with her ugly friend. You're a hell of a wingman Trevor. Don't think I don't appreciate it.

Gakner, I heard @DanBeebe has thrown his hat into the ring. Are you worried that #BeebeForTexasAD might take off and cost you the job? - Aiden Coswell Class of '11, Ft. Worth, TX

Darlin', O know Dan Beebe, and he's a good man. No matter what David Boren says, Dan Beebe was a hell of a Commissioner. Hell of a Commissioner. It's a damn shame what happened to him. His handling of the SMU situation was impeccable. It was like watching Clint Eastwood walk into a town and shoot a horse while the bad guys rode off with the bank haul. That's an attitude that we've always appreciated at Texas. That said, there's a big difference between being the Big XII commissioner and holding a job with actual authority and responsibilities. I think old Dan has earned the right to sit on the beach sipping Danny Dan Juice. Dan Beebe is the past. Gaknar is the future.

Gaknar, as much as I love football, it's gotten so expensive to attend games, and the fans are so obnoxious. It's so much nicer to just sit at home and watch the games on my HDTV. As Athletic Director, what will you do to renew my interest in attending live games? - Magnum McCoy Class of '18 (I hope!), Tuscola, TX

Let me ask you this son: would you rather make love to a beautiful woman, or would you rather watch someone else do it on the internet? Sure, you might end up in the same place, but you miss out on a hell of a journey. God bless football, and say no to porn.

Gaknar, college football is nothing but a grotesque display of barbarism and a waste of money. I believe the University of Texas should divest entirely from athletics and refocus on the academic mission. That is, after all, what college is supposed to be about. - Saffron Whitley-Pryce Class of '68, Austin, TX

Now don't get me wrong Darlin'. The University of Texas is a fine academic institution that would be in the Pac-12 by now if it weren't for those liberal snobs at Stanford. Our fine academic staff and faculty bust their humps every day to ensure that UT remains the finest institution in the land. But it's important to remember that America was founded on three principles above all others: unconstrained greed, conspicuous consumption, and ruthless exploitation of cheap labor. And nothing embodies those principles more than college athletics. So I ask you Saffron, why do you hate America? If you really want to cheer for schools that have divested themselves from football, I'd suggest you look into the Big Ten. While you're there, give Nebraska this one second we owe them.

Gaknar, I'm a West Virginia Mountaineer and I can't tell you how excited we are to be in the Big XII! The only problem is that the travel is terrible. As Athletic Director, will you make a commitment to expanding the Big XII back to twelve teams and maybe give us an eastern partner? - Bob Huggins, Morgantown, WV

Bob, it's great to hear from you. As you're well aware, realignment has really shaken things up around here. While we here in the Big XII are thrilled to have West Virginia and the Dallas Community College in the conference, any additional expansion needs to be very carefully considered and strategically delayed to ensure that it doesn't interfere with Texas' ability to slide into the playoffs.

Gaknar, what about basketball? I know Rick Barnes is going through a tough patch, but I really think he's earned one last chance to prove himself. - Justin Whetherspoon Class of '99, Plano, TX

Hahahahahaha Oh, you're serious. We here at Texas respect what Coach Barnes has done for the program, but with the Naismith Clause about to expire, it's time to start fresh. What's the Naismith Clause? Oh, it's just a concession we had to give to the Big 8 in return for allowing Kansas to join the conference. We're obligated to let them win the Big XII title in basketball every year. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I mean, seriously, what the hell else did they offer? Anyway, things are going to change around here for all of our sports. We're Texas and we're second to no one, not in football or basketball or baseball or softball or lacrosse or... wait, do we sponsor lacrosse? Well, if we did, we'd dominate. Go Mavs.

Well folks, I hope this little soirée has put your minds at ease. Texas needs a visionary leader in these chaotic times, and both of my eyes work just fine. If y'all have any questions, I'd be happy to answer them, and remember: Gaknar for Tradition, for Pride, for Texas. God bless Texas and God bless America. Except California. Go to hell Stanford.


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