Ask Prospective University of Texas Athletic Director Gaknar - Red River Rivalry Week

Each Monday, Prospective University of Texas Athletic Director Gaknar will answer your questions, review the week in college sports, and lobby relentlessly for the job that is rightfully his.

Ooooooooooh... what day is it? Lord, I feel like I got kicked in the head by a mule. I don't care what anybody tells you, if you're over 30, stay away from that 15th tequila shot. I think I ate enough fried butter to kill Paula Deen. Anyway, it's Monday again, which means it's time to answer your questions about Texas, the Longhorns, and why I should be the next Athletic Director at the University of Texas. I- what? What do you mean it's Tuesday? How drunk was I? Look Son, you're my assistant and when I say wake me up on Monday, I mean it! Stop whining Son, everyone sleeps with a shotgun down here. Besides, I only winged you. Now get me some coffee.


Son, I appreciate your passion and I am as thrilled as you are that a Category 5 Stoopsface landed on Dallas, but I swear to God, if you don't stop yelling I will put my foot so far up your ass it'll leave a bootprint on the back of your teeth.

@Gaknar, We'll see you next year. Jerk. - @OU_CoachStoops

The stars at night, are big and bright, deep in the heart of Texas! But seriously Coach, great game. Great game. Your refusal to run your big lumbering oaf of a quarterback into our suspect rush defense really threw us for a loop. I mean, most people would have thought that a team that gave up 500 yards on the ground to a bunch of Mormons would be vulnerable to that sort of thing. Hell, I'm not sure the Oregon Trail gave up that many yards to Brigham Young. But I guess that's why they pay you the big bucks.

@Gaknar, Do you know how to put links in your signature? Because I think that could help your cause. - Fullback U

Son, I ain't a nerd. I'm a cowboy and a businessman. I make a million dollars in the time it takes you to laugh at a picture of a cat. When I'm appointed University of Texas AD, I'll hire nerds like you to write these posts for me. Where's my damn coffee?

@gakhorn, in your opinion, who is the best football player in the modern era? Earl Campbell, Ricky Williams, Boobie Miles, Vincent Bo Jackson, Garret Gilbert - Wooderson

Son, that's a great question. There are so many great athletes who have walked the halls at the University of Texas that it's hard to pick just one. I know the inclination is to go with Earl Campbell. Don't get me wrong, Earl is a great guy and a fantastic player. But Ricky Williams was something else. Never saw a guy run like that. It was the weed, it gave him superpowers. The last time I saw anyone go through that much grass was when the Aggies let their cheerleaders out to graze. Don't know what happened to Ricky. Last I heard, he was a sherpa in Tibet or something. Wherever he is, he'll always be a Longhorn. God bless you Ricky, and say no to porn.

@Gaknar, how much folding money would it take to drag Jimmy Johnson out of the Florida Keys and into Austin? - Bringus Jimster

Son, I know all our loyal fans and alumni are chompin' at the bit to get rid of Mack, but I think that ole warhorse saved himself from the glue factory this week. Oh, we'll still put him out to stud where he can get to work on the next generation of Longhorn's coach, but as to who we pick up in the meantime? Well, that's complicated. See, we have a lot of alumni and, well, there just ain't enough time in the day to hear everyone's opinions. I have to prioritize, you see. And the best way to do that is to see how much you've donated to the Alumni Fund. Now, let's see here...

*checks database*

*rechecks database*

Son, get the hell out of my office.

@Gaknar, Mizzou is having a great year. They're undefeated and control their own destiny in the SEC East. Still think a bad season in Texas is better than a good season at Mizzou? - @Mizzou92

Son, I'm drunk, but I ain't that drunk. No one cares that you beat up Vandy. Beat a real team and maybe we'll- what? They beat who? *blink* HOW DRUNK AM I? You know what? Just... no. To hell with this! To hell with all of you! *grabs shotgun* GET OUT! *blam* *blam* *blam*


If you have a question for Prospective Texas AD Gaknar, tweet to @Gaknar with the hashtag #GaknarForTexas

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