Each Monday, Prospective University of Texas Athletic Director Gaknar will answer your questions, review the week in college sports, and lobby relentlessly for the job that is rightfully his.
Well, that was a hell of a week. I haven't seen that much chaos since Norma Rae down at the diner tried to pass of North Carolina BBQ as the real thing. Poor thing got run out of town on a rail, but that's the free market for you. It's nice to see all those SEC teams proving their dominance by losing to Tennessee and Missouri. I think Kentucky even managed to beat the bye this week. I tell you what, them Stoops boys really know how to turn a program around. But this kind of chaos is exactly why an athletic department needs a steady hand at the helm, a calming force who can keep the horses from getting spooked every time Northern Illinois shows up in the polls. Now, on with the questions.
@Gaknar, What is it you do when you aren't running for AD? - @FullbackU
Son, AD'ing at a place like Texas is a full time job. We're not Grambling, after all. By the way Grambling, I'd recommend a conference network. Cures all your ills. Anyway, navigating the pitfalls of Texas politics requires all my attention. You got a university president that needs butterin' up, you got regeants who need to be schmoozed when they ain't tryin' to kill the university president, you got an Aggie Governor who... I'm not actually sure what he does. I don't think he's even been in the state for the last six months. You got state legislators, recruits, recruit's moms, donors, boosters, alumni, all who got to be brought into the fold. It's about buildin' a power base son. Full time job. It's like being SEC Commissioner with less Missouri.
@Gaknar - How weird is it that Baylor and Texas Tech are in the BCS and not Texas? - Bushmaster McCoy, Class of 2020
Now see son, this is why I don't like nerds. College football was just fine until those computers took over. It used to be that a champion was chosen as God intended: in a smoky backroom full of drunken and easily bribed journalists. Now all of a sudden I got people tellin' me, "Oh, the computers love Missouri!" What in the blue hell does that mean? Mizzou's spent the last week beatin' up on MASH units and I'm supposed to believe they're the #5 team in the nation because some nerd's iPad told him so? Son, we have got to get the computers out of college football. So when your academic advisor tries to tell you to get into computin', you tell him, "No Sir, I'm going into finance like a real American!"
@Gaknar - I'm confused. Ole Miss beat Texas and Texas beat Oklahoma but Alabama beat Ole Miss who beat LSU. I tried to apply the transitive property but it confused me. Is the SEC overrated or not? - Daisy Worthington, Sugarland, TX
Darlin', this is exactly what I'm talkin' about with the nerds. Math has no place in college football. Football is won on the field. Sure, some puffed up nerd can come up with some statistic proving that Baylor leads the nation in conversion of 3rd downs when the sun's in their eyes, but I tell you what, there's only two numbers I need to know: wins and losses. Ole Miss is 4-3, Texas is 4-2. If that don't prove the SEC is overrated, I don't know what does. And let me just say, all my best to Johnny Manziel. I know the pain you're felling right now is intense, but I promise it will get better in time. I hope your shoulder heals up too.
@Gaknar - Is there any chance the Big XII can get Florida State? Please? - Bob Bowlsby, Big XII Commissioner
Bob, I just want to say you're doin' a heck of a job. Heck of a job. It ain't easy bein' Big XII Commissioner, what with managin' all these schools and tryin' to explain to Fox Sports Midwest why Kansas football deserves to be on tv. But Bob, it's like I explained to you before, any addition to the Big XII has to bring enough to the table to make it worth it. Now sure, Florida State is a large school with a good academic reputation and a strong football tradition. And sure, they're #2 in the nation and they sit on a huge recruitin' base and have rabid alumni. But Bob, you have to consider the intangibles. Does Florida State really fit with the culture of the Big XII? I mean, if we wanted a population of meth-addled rednecks who know nothing about football, we would have kept Missouri. And I don't know if you know this Bob, but they really like porn down there in Florida. I think it's some kinda holdover from Miami Vice. No Bob, I think we're doin' just fine with ten teams. God bless you Bob, and say no to porn.
@Gaknar - What does Ohio State have to do to play for a National Championship? - Anonymous
Not almost lose to Iowa? I'm sorry Son, that was a cheap shot. I'm sure things will start fallin' your way soon. And if not, at least you can sleep better knowin' the computers love you more than they love Missouri. And watch out for Texas Tech. A lot of people are sleeping on that 6-0 record against the 87th ranked opposition.
See y'all next week folks!
If you have a question for Prospective Texas AD Gaknar, tweet to @Gaknar with the hashtag #GaknarForTexas