Ask Presumptive University of Texas Athletic Director Gaknar - LOL SEC East Week

Each Monday, Prospective University of Texas Athletic Director Gaknar will answer your questions, review the week in college sports, and lobby relentlessly for the job that is rightfully his.

You have to admire the perseverance of Missouri fans. You would have to go to a Bangkok S&M club to find as many people who take that much joy in getting repeatedly kicked in the crotch. Seriously, just root for Missouri State and save yourselves the trouble. Anyway, on with the questions.

@Gaknar, I heard that the search committee for the Texas AD job is meeting this week and should have a candidate chosen by the end of November. What are you doing to ensure you win the job? - Wesson McCoy, Class of 2020

Son, if you don't have the job locked up before the interview, you shouldn't bother applying. You see son, being the Athletic Director at a fine institution like the University of Texas is about more than sports. It's about relationships. As we speak, my surrogates are makin' my case to the search committee, and if my bank account is any indication, they're doin' a mighty fine job. Don't worry son, it's in the bag.

@Gaknar, How much of an upgrade over Mizzou and Aggie was TCU and and the Eers? Like, money and prestige-wise. It really feels like the Big12 knocked it out of the park on this one. - Spider_Monkey

Son, that's a mighty fine question. Some folks would look at what Missouri and A&M are doin' in the SEC and say they're havin' more success than West Virginia and TCU are in the Big XII! I suppose that's one way of looking at it, but I prefer the Texas way: take credit for someone else's past glories and steadfastly ignore present realities. The fact is son, Missouri and A&M never did nothin' in the Big XII. Missouri spent all their time whinin' and battin' their eyes at the Big Ten. And the only thing the Aggies were ever known for was dancin' their way out to the Chicken Ranch. But TCU won an Orange Bowl and West Virginia did something in basketball, which I'm told by my surrogates is an actual sport. No, some might say that between the four of them, the Big XII never got anything out of the bunch. But that's just cynicism son, and there's no room for that at the University of Texas. The important thing is that the malcontents are gone and have been replaced by someone else's malcontents. I'm sure it'll work out.

@Gaknar, Why do we still call it the Big XII? Why not change the name to The Big One? We've already proven those other nine schools will go along with whatever we tell them (and like it), and we already launched our own network without any of those scrubs to the north. Besides, we don't even have 10 teams anymore. It's time to have a conference moniker that truly reflects our values and our politics. And slogans? Well, they write themselves, don't they. - S. Crew Uthrs

Great question Son. You know, all these conferences are going to 14 schools, except for the ACC that's at 14.5. I swear, getting' Notre Dame to commit is like courtin' an ugly girl that thinks she's pretty. Anyway, we in the Big XII actually anticipated this conference expansion. We hold the name to the Big 8 obviously, but that also gave us the Big Six and Big Seven. But we were also proactive enough to trademark the Big XVI. We couldn't get the Big Ten even after they went to 11, but we decided to do the safe thing and trademark Big XIII, Big XV and Big XVI just in case. Well, that made ole Jim Delany mad, so after the Big Ten went to 12 he went out and trademarked the Big Nine, Big Five, Big Four, Big Three and the Big Two just out of spite. He tried to get the Big One too, but the 1st Infantry had somethin' to say about that. Now, the Big Ten is at 14 and the Big XII is at 10 and I understand there's some legal wranglin' about Big XVII through Big XX and whether words are the same as Roman numerals. And this Son is why I don't do math. Leave that to the nerds.

@Gaknar, there's now only one SEC team left that has a shot at the BCS Championship. SEC, overrated? - Emily Posten, Class of 2003, Texarkana, TX

Darlin', this is what ole Bobby Stoops was talking about. The SEC is just a bunch of Shane Stant's whackin' each other's knee caps. Shane Stant. You know, Tonya Harding? C'mon Darlin', I ain't that old. Well, anyway, the SEC East has done whacked themselves and even ole Les Miles can't seem to get his head on straight. And there's ole Nicky Saban, standing atop them all, as if he were auditionin' for the greatest job in all of sports...

Whoa, got a bit ahead of myself there. Can't go hirin' when I don't have the job yet myself (wink wink). Course, if the Austin Police blotter is any indication, my surrogates may be doin' too fine a job. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go help some new friends make bail. God bless, and say no to porn.


If you have a question for Prospective Texas AD Gaknar, tweet to @Gaknar with the hashtag #GaknarForTexas

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