Each Monday, Prospective University of Texas Athletic Director Gaknar will answer your questions, review the week in college sports, and lobby relentlessly for the job that is rightfully his.
Mornin' folks! What a week of football! We saw the fine University of Texas Longhorns win a thrilling victory over the Iowa Hawkeyes! What a fine performance by our tea- what? I'm being told we actually beat the Iowa State Cyclones. I didn't even know they were still in the conference. Well, a hog may swim but that don't make him a fish. On with the questions.
@Gaknar, please describe how this good year so far for Mizzou is much worse than the year Texas is having. - @OhioTiger3
OhioTiger3, it's great to hear from Big Ten Country. I'm surprised you have time to write what with all the celebratin' going on up there with Ohio State'winnin' the National Championship and all. What? They only beat Northwestern? Then what the hell are they celebratin' for? Northwestern's not a university, it's a street. Well, it's like my daddy used to tell my brother, ‘You ain't good for farmin' and you ain't good at football, so I guess you might as well become a journalist.' Which brings us to Mizzou. Now, I know standards are somewhat low up there in Columbia, but son, no one's gonna give you a participation ribbon for beatin' Vanderbilt. Vandy tried to set up their own school network like the LHN, but ESPN turned them down because there's already a Learning Channel. Mathletes aren't athletes. While it's true that Missouri technically has a better record than Texas in absolute terms, if you look at the foreign exchange markets, a Mizzou win is only worth 0.45 of a Texas win. So enjoy that 2.25-0 record.
@Gaknar, is it true that the University of Texas has a billion dollars in gold bullion reserves? Why in the world would a University needs a billion dollars in gold bullion? - @SexyLexy2013
Because we're Texas. Darlin', gold is the ultimate hedge against inflation. It's malleable, it doesn't tarnish, and it feels so good rubbed against your naked skin. Or so I'm told. Deloss Dodds is a little freaky. Anyway, we're keeping the gold. If you don't like it, you're welcome to cheer for K-State. Bill Snyder keeps their endowment in a savings account at the First Midland. 3% interest ain't bad these days.
@Gaknar, that was a cheap way to beat Iowa State. Why does Texas always have to buy off the refs just to keep from being embarrassed by lower quality opponents? Isn't that cheating? - @Bill_Byrne
What you call "cheating" I call "risk management". You know why there are so many billionaires in Texas? Aside from the compliant politicians, the trillions of gallons of petroleum reserves and the lax regulatory environment? It's because Texans don't leave anything to chance. You never know when bankin' that one second might pay dividends. Anyway, it was good to hear from you Bill. Say hello to your wife Baaaaaaaaaaaabara for me.
@Gaknar, I! AM! SO! DAMN! PROUD! OF! THIS! TEAM! BUT! I! HATE! TEXAS! - @PaulRhoadsISU
Paul, you're a hell of a guy and you have a hell of a team. But there are certain realities in the Big XII. It's like a bell curve. Someone gets to be the bull and someone gets the horns, and since Missouri's gone, you're up. Don't take it personal Paul, we're doin' this for the Big XII.
@Gaknar, what the hell is wrong with Tony Romo? ARGGGGGGG!!!!! Is there any chance you guys could recruit a real qb for once and send him our way? - @realjerryjones
Jerry, good to hear from you. It tore my heart out to see the game end that way. The last time I saw one man's brain fart ruin such a fine performance, John Marinatto was negotiating the Big East's media deal. Just remember that Denver is in Colorado and Kansas City is in Missouri, so do what I do and pretend those states don't exist anymore. Voila, instant 2-1 record.
@Gaknar, I'm really worried about Baylor. Did you see how many points they put up? I'm not sure we can beat them. - @LongHornBro69
Son, you ever have a wild night out on the town only to end up in the free clinic with a strange rash on your privates? That's what happens when you score too much. The same thing's gonna happen to Baylor. Too bad too, because Art Briles is a hell of a guy. Speakin' of which, I need to figure out who his agent is. Anyway, my point son is that Baylor, like you, needs to find a nice girl to settle down with.
@Gaknar, I know politics are out of your realm of influence, but this looming default really has me worried. Do you have any advice? - @SpeakerBoehner
Remember that gold bullion? Sorry John, you should have bought low. I'd recommend Campbell's. Not the stock, the soup. One can is good for 2 packs of cigarettes in prison, and I can't imagine it'll be too much different in the post-apocalypse. Good luck.
@Gaknar, we haven't met. I'm a Super Bowl winning coach with a proven track record of success at the pro and college football levels. With my brains and coaching acumen and your shrewd management skills, we could build a winner in Texas. Let's get together and talk. - @CoachCharlieWeis
@Gaknar, it's time for the Red River Rivalry! I want to beat those jerks from Norman so bad! How will the Horns prepare for the game! Please beat those Sooners! Hook ‘em! - @AustinWeirdo123
@AustinWeirdo123, I assure you that Mack will have this team rarin' to go! But you gotta remember, a football game is more than schemes and formations. There's an element of psychological warfare at play too. Ole Bobby Stoops will have his team ready for a tussle, but we're gonna to get inside his head by wearing these on our uniforms:
Well, that's all for this week folks. See you all at the Fairgrounds! God bless, and say no to porn.
If you have a question for Prospective Texas AD Gaknar, tweet to @Gaknar with the hashtag #GaknarForTexas