While this may be my first fan post, I had very little to do with it. As a continuation from a discussion prompted by trripleplay's comment on a Muppet offense, we, at our own risk, dialed into the mind of bst to present us with an all-muppet football team. The results are as follows, unedited and unaltered, and a big thanks to bst for going along with the idea. Discuss as you wish.
QB: Gotta be Kermit, right? Hes both the spiritual and physical
leader. He has women flocking to him like the salmon of Capistrano.
Just look at him surrounded by cheerleaders:
, dude know what its like to be in the spotlight and keep his blood
RB: Cookie Monster. I know this one is a bit out in left field but
just hang in there with me. We all remember seeing Forrest Gump go
blazing down field during his glorious 6 year tenure at Alabama (and
winning 8 of their 42 National Champeeunchips), and I think the 'ol
Monster has that kind of dumb founded enthusiasm for running towards
something. You just put a 3 foot wide chocolate chip cookie at the
back of the end zone and not even the Steel Curtain defense could stop
that meth, er cookie addled psycho from getting there.
WR1: Miss Piggie with out a doubt. WR's are by far the most vane, self
centered and egotistical players on the field. I mean, she even sounds
a lot like Terrell Owens. This is just too easy of a selection.
WR2: Boober Fraggle. "His cardinal traits include depression and
worry, and he most enjoys washing socks even though Fraggles do not
seem to use footwear most of the time (possibly he collects them)." If
that doesn't sound like a gym rat turned slot wr who has "it" and
"grit" and was most likely a coaches kid.
FB: Pepe the King Prawn. Dude hates to be called "shrimp" or "small".
He is looking for his chance to show the world how big he is and he'll
be damned if the football field isn't that opportunity. Reminds me of
a young Mike Alstott.
TE: Grover. Long arms, check. Natural running ability, check. Has a
secret identity, check. Geez, for all I know this guy was probably on
a Cal final four basketball team and all those announcers just forgot
to mention it. He is the new era of TE's. He is Grover.
OL: Those creepy dwarves from Labyrinth. I freaking hate that movie.
Its so awful in so many ways. The only real redeeming factor was the
Jim Henson dwarves. They were legit creepy while not quite haunting my
nightmares in a way that I only wish that damned cod piece would have
been. These dudes aren't afraid of any defense on the planet. This
line would give Nick Saban bad dreams that only rival the thought of
his daughter beating the crap out of another dozen sorority girls.
Safeties: Statler & Waldorf. All these guys do is sit back and
criticize everyone else's mistakes and they are simply great at it.
Safeties just lolly gag back there in center field and wait around for
some one to eff something up and then wadda ya know, here they come
acting like big shots. S&W are those guys to a T.
CB's: Aloysius Snuffleupagus & The Count. Its impossible to watch one
game of football and not yell at your teams corner back at least once.
You often compare him to the other worldly speedy Snuffleupagus. You
don't understand how he made it to this level of football. Freaking
Todd Reesing could play better than that guy. Then there is the other
CB. The dude that just sits on the other side of the field, kinda
giggles every now and again and counts his millions while he doesn't
really have to do anything. The QB aint throwing to that scrub WR on
his side. He can just keep on counting away, 50, 50 thousand dollars I
made for this game, ah ah ah.
Rush Ends: Gonzo & Fozzie Bear. Gonzo has speed. Fozzie talks trash
like hes Larry Birds uglier brother with a mustache. Gonzo literally
has a nose for the ball. Fozzie is styling and profiling like only
Lawrence Taylor could appreciate. These guys are the lighting and
thunder you want on the outside. The can turn your O-line inside out
in no time and will let you hear about it all the way back to your
Inside LB's: Bert & Ernie. One is a loving, kind humanoid being that
wants to be your friend. Hes a bit under sized but makes up for it
with his huge heart. The other is a tall, lanky freaky looking guy
that just hates the fact that he is tied at the hip to this leftist
commie who only wants to drink almond milk all day and use a damned
type writer! These two feed off of each other. They eat up inside
runs. They are Barry Switzer and Martha Stewart's love children. Fear
Outside LB's: Elmo & Beaker. These two just suck. They arent big
enough to shed blockers and get to the runner. They arent fast enough
to cover in open space. They are generally annoying only on levels
similar to "lamb chops play along" theme song and Miley Cyrus not auto
tuned. They are only worth while as comic relief in a sad, they are
dumber than me sense. TK loves these two.
Nose guard: Big Bird. Hes a 12 foot freaking tall bird! Who wants to
try and block that guy? He easily has to command at least a quadruple
team by the offensive line. He is the perfect 3-4 clog the middle guy.
Man oh man I wish the Chiefs would have drafted this silly ginormous
canary instead of Dontari Poe.