1. Mississippi State – Getting that bye week before SEC East contender Kentucky should really pay dividends for Dak Prescott and company.
2. Ole Miss – [Ole Miss' defense takes the field] FLAWLESS VICTORY. FATALITY.
3. Alabama – At least give us a heads up before you decide to open up the earth and send an entire football team plummeting into the depths of hell, Nick.
4. Auburn – Don't get caught looking ahead to Ole Miss, Auburn. South Carolina did just blow out Furman, after all.
5. Georgia – Todd Who? This Nick Chubb gentleman might have a future in this here sport.
6. LSU – The Tigers might finally be exiting puberty, which should TERRIFY you if your team is still on their schedule.
7. Texas A&M – More like Kenny Nill, amiright?
8. Arkansas – You'll get that first SEC win someday, Hogs. Maybe for Christmas, I heard you've been very good this year.
9. Missouri – The offense owes the special teams and defense 47 steak dinners. Each.
10. Kentucky – [waves smelling salts under Kentucky's nose] Hey buddy, you're technically still an SEC East contender, you gotta get up.
11. Florida – Well, they didn't get shut out.
12. Tennessee – I do appreciate the Vols wearing bright orange CAUTION uniforms when they play.
13. South Carolina – It's a step on the right direction. A small one, but still.
14. Vanderbilt – Season's almost done, y'all. You've almost made it.
There you have it, your current SEC standings, ranked by a serious, professional journalist. Feel free to get angry at me in the comments!