This is the fourth installment of the "Sooner Disrespect Chronicles." For background, please read the previous installments:
PART ONE: ‘The Sooners Have a Gift Exchange’
PART TWO: ‘The Sooners Ride an Airplane’
PART THREE: ‘The Sooners Have a Chat’
SCENE: The Sooners, fresh off their 14-13 season-opening loss to BYU, sit in a room at
SAM BRADFORD: Con sarn-it! Dang it all to heck! Crap, crap, crap!
JERMAINE
/door flies open
BOB STOOPS: (limping in on crutch, meekly) Hi guys.
/team gathers around Stoops
STOOPS: It was terrible. One minute, I’m writing prayer notes to cloister nuns, and the next… (swallows hard)…the next minute, I’m…I’m lying face down on the floor, with my ankle injured beyond belief.
FRANK ALEXANDER: (looking up from playing a far-too-violent rendition of the "stop hitting yourself" game with a helpless 8-year-old leukemia patient) WHAAAAAAAT? WHO DID THIS TO YOU, COACH?!? WHO DISRESPECTED YOU LIKE THIS?!?
STOOPS: I really have no idea, Franklin my son. Well…except for…
ALEXANDER: (still yelling for some reason) EXCEPT FOR WHAT?!?
STOOPS: Well…as you know, I have a lot of security cameras in my house. And…well, I think I captured the assailants on camera. Here…(pulls photo out of pocket)…take a look.
ALEXANDER: Z-O-M-G THATZ TEBOW AND COLT MCCOY! THEY’RE THE ONES WHO DISRESPECTED YOU!
STOOPS: Is it them? But why would they do such a thing?
ALEXANDER: RAAWWWWWWWWWRRR! DISRESPECT!
/goes "One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest" on the leukemia kid, whose name is Steven, still isn’t ejected
STOOPS: (dropping crutch, walking normally over to
STOOPS: THAT IS REAL! I don’t even own Microsoft Paint! How could I do such a thing? That’s a little ridiculous, don’t you think, Johnson & Johnson?
ALEXANDER: (unusually calm) Jermaine, I think what coach is trying to say is that no longer will he (voice raises to full throat) TOLERATE YOUR DISRESPECT!!!
/pokes
/
STOOPS: Listen boys. We’ve sustained some serious injuries over the past week. Sad Sammy Brads over here is out for God-knows-how-long. Our tight end Jennifer Grabass is completely useless to us. And now I’ve been struck by a devastating injury to my ankle.
/skips over to the doorway
STOOPS: But luckily, we’ve got backups. Great backups. Guys that can lead the way.
STOOPS: That’s right, Navajo Joe!
LANDRY JONES: (standing up) Well, coach, Sam’s got big shoes to fill, and I’m at a distinct disadvantage because…well…I’m devastatingly white. But I’m going to do my best!
TRENT RATTERREE: (standing up) And now that Locks of Love finally took my donation, I feel like I can definitely help out in place of Jermaine!
STOOPS: What? No. What are you guys even still doing here? I thought I cut you. Go play with Billy Sims.
RATTEREE AND JONES: Aw man
/both sulk outside, with "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOMER" echoing through the hospital halls
/team looks around, confused
STOOPS: No, guys, I’ve gone out and recruited the best backup players that…um…savvy recruiting can…um…what’s another word besides "buy", Frankie?
ALEXANDER: (skimming through thesaurus) OBTAIN?!?
/eats thesaurus whole
STOOPS: Yeah, that’s it. Obtain. Boys…meet your new quarterback.
/door flies open
TOM BRADY: Hey guys. I’m taking time out of my busy schedule of playing for the Patriots and knocking up models before leaving them for even more beautiful models, so let’s hurry up and win this championship or whatever.
/pounds a Samuel Adams
STOOPS: And meet your new tight end.
/door flies open
KIMBO SLICE: Kimbo’s ready to roll, bitches.
/Slice pokes
/
/Slice and Alexander high-five
STOOPS: We can overcome this DISRESPECT, guys! BYU DISRESPECTED us in
/room, stunned by
ALEXANDER: BUT…BUT…YOUR SHOULDER….HIS KNEE….DISRESPECT!!!
/room, still silent, thinks
SLICE: (standing up, reading from script) I heard Tim Tebow, Colt McCoy, Bronco Mendenhall and that guy from
STOOPS: OMG HOW UNEXPECTED!
ALEXANDER: RAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR!!! DISRESPECT!!!
/burns down every potato farm in
TOM BRADY: Whatever.
/watches "Good Will Hunting" thee times, chugs thirty Samuel Adams
/door flies open
RATTEREE: Does this guy ever freakin’ stop?
BILLY SIMS: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMER!