1. Mississippi State – Welcome aboard the Dak Prexpress! Here's your complimentary cowbell. Please make sure to move to the back of the train to stand, as every open seat has been filled and riders are still boarding in droves. Thank you. Next stop: New York!
2. Ole Miss – The defense is full of monsters. Literally. Dr. Bo transplanted the strength and speed of a great white shark into several of the Rebels' defenders during the offseason.
3. Auburn – Don't feel too bad, Auburn fans. If this were a video game, Dak Prescott would've been banned from competitive play a few weeks ago.
4. Alabama – I, for one, am incredibly excited for an Iron bowl being played with third place in the SEC West on the line.
5. Georgia – Beat Missouri with one arm tied behind their back, but I don't want to just hand them the SEC East quite yet. They'd drop it, they have one of their hands tied behind their back.
6. Texas A&M – "I went on the Mississippi tour, and all I won was this stupid shirt."
7. Arkansas – The Razorbacks are like a large Chipotle burrito. They look good and taste better, but then the fourth quarter rolls around and you're stuck in the bathroom for half an hour.
8. LSU – The Tigers are going to be very, very good, just not this year.
9. Kentucky – It's Georgia v. Kentucky for the SEC East. I repeat, Georgia v. Kentucky FOR THE SEC EAST.
10. Florida – Everyone hop on Jeff Driskel's Wild Ride! It has violent drops, slight drops, and even MORE drops! What's that? Ups? No, sorry, it doesn't have any of those.
11. Tennessee – The Vols are going to upset one of the conference front-runners this year. Maybe Kentucky.
12. Missouri – I was going to say something offensive about the Tigers, but I threw an interception on second down.
13. South Carolina – I'd say Steve Spurrier used his bye-week to catch up on some golf, but he's been posting low scores all season.
14. Vanderbilt – The MVP of the Dores' game was whoever scheduled Charleston Southern for Homecoming this year.
There you have it, your current SEC standings, ranked by a serious, professional journalist. Feel free to get angry at me in the comments!