1. Auburn – Ahhhhhh, you think chaos is your ally. Gus Malzahn was born in the chaos. Molded by it. He didn't see order until he was already a man, and by that time it was nothing but BORING.
2. Ole Miss – There. Look at that. Nobody could've predicted that Dr. Bo would suddenly, suddenly jump out of a moving vehicle. [Bo finishes sewing up a patient, rolls out to his left, completes a 34-yard pass] See, there's another example. That's chaos theory.
3. Mississippi State – Getting Dak'd is the HOT new trend in college football! Everyone is lining up to get their chance! Folks from miles around will pay top dollar just to catch a glimpse of the #AllDakEverything show! You see, Dak Prescott doesn't follow a set pattern, he is the essence of chaos.
4. Alabama – [checks] Yup, turns out the Tide are still pretty damn good. Don't feel bad, Bama fans. Even the best of 'em can't hang with Dr. Bo when he's on a heater.
5. Georgia – [a droid with "SEC EAST" painted down its side projects a woman onto the Georgia practice field] "This is our most desperate hour. Help us, Todd Gurley. You're our only hope."
6. Texas A&M – I'll bet drawing back-to-back games against MSU and Ole Miss looked pretty lucky in the preseason, didn't they, Aggies?
7. Missouri – Pssssst. Maty. PSSSSSSSST. You watch that Alabama/Ole Miss game? Yeah? Good. You see that Bo Wallace fella? Ya know, he used to be pretty damn inconsistent too, but just look at him now. That's what you gotta do, son. Embrace your chaotic nature, don't fight it. You see him scrubbin' up, you grab that beer stein and crank Mauktober up to 11.
8. LSU – We're all waiting for the bounce back that's surely coming soon. It's gotta be. It'll be here any week, just you wait.
9. Arkansas – The Razorbacks have improved drastically this year, there's no bones about that. They're going to get that elusive SEC win soon, but I'm preeeeeettttttttty sure it won't be this weekend. Something tells me that Alabama might be a wee bit angry when they head to Fayetville.
10. Kentucky – One Stoops brother had a top five team, one of the best young running backs in the nation, and a defense that looked like it had become one of the stingiest around. The other won last weekend.
11. Florida – Well, they won. I guess.
12. South Carolina – In Steve Spurrier's defense, he's been trying to tell us for weeks that his team isn't very good.
13. Tennessee – The love affair with Lil Jon was more telling that we could've ever known. Both he AND Tennessee football had their best years in the late 90s and early 2000s.
14. Vanderbilt – The football is abysmal, but the case-study on Dr. Bo that they're publishing later this year should be fantastic.
There you have it, your current SEC standings, ranked by a serious, professional journalist. Feel free to get angry at me in the comments!