1. Mississippi State – Dak has been waiting. Biding his time. Getting stronger. Now it's time for him to reemerge from his training and face off against the Red Menace.
2. Alabama – We shall all follow that wide-bodied TE out of the valley of death.
3. LSU – I — and many others like me — would like to sincerely thank the Tigers for waiting until overtime to allow Bama to cover.
4. Auburn – The rapture has finally arrived, and it took God's Tigers with it.
5. Ole Miss – Looked REAL strong during this bye week. What? Presbyterian? That's a weird way to pronounce bye week, you ding-a-ling.
6. Georgia – [jingle bells ring] YOU BETTER WATCH OUT. YOU BETTER NOT CRY. YOU BETTER NOT POUT, I'M TELLING YOU WHY: TOOOODDDDDDDD GURLEY'S COMIN' TO TOWN.
7. Texas A&M - #Swag > #blesst
8. Arkansas – Bert just lounging around all day, snacking on bags upon bags of chips, and softly sobbing as he experiences flashbacks to his team's game against Bama while watching LSU lose in similar fashion.
9. Missouri – You wanna prove you belong in the SEC East's driver's seat? Go show out this weekend. Or just like, chill and let everyone else prove it for you by losing. Either is good, really.
10. Florida – WINNING STREAK [vomits]
11. Kentucky – I'll hand it to the Cats, they're damn good at keeping games close-ish and ultimately losing.
12. Tennessee – BOURBON BATTLE COMIN'
13. South Carolina – Don't worry, Gamecock fans. Frank Martin will be here soon to give you all big hugs.
14. Vanderbilt – Solid troll job, 'Dores. Trying to keep Muschamp at Florida is a masterful long con.
There you have it, your current SEC standings, ranked by a serious, professional journalist. Feel free to get angry at me in the comments!