1. Alabama – All it'll take for the Tide to punch their ticket to Atlanta is an Iron Bowl victory. Luckily, that game doesn't have any history of being a wild, crazy game where anything could happen. Nope, just a plain, ol' walk in the park right there.
2. Mississippi State – Beat Vanderbilt 51-0 in what looked like a glorified walk-through before this week's rivalry game. I get it, though. Toast *is* one of the best things to eat before an Egg Bowl.
3. Georgia – A space cruiser from Athens crash-lands in Fayetteville. Out of the wreckage, a droid emerges. Razorback leaders were befuddled at first as to the motive of the ship and its passenger, but the mystery was unraveled for them as soon as they reached out to the football team. The mechanical being flickered to life as soon as BERT entered the room, turning toward the coach and projected a hologram onto the floor. They were being addressed by none other than Mark Richt. The exiled head coach looked longingly into the eyes of his peer and called out in desperation: "Help us, BERT. You're our only hope."
4. Auburn – The Tigers head into this year's edition of the Iron Bowl with a chance to throw the whole game into chaos. Besides Les Miles, there aren't many people I would trust more to set the world on fire than Gus Malzahn.
5. Arkansas – From deep within the bowels of Donal W. Reynolds Razorback Stadium, a cry rings out. "BWAAAHHHHH, I'MMA BWARIO, I'MMA GONNA WIN."
[The margin between these two teams is pretty small. This is how you kickstart a rivalry, folks.]
6. Missouri – Despite some shoddy officiating and shoddier penalty discipline, Mizzou planted an oval Tiger flag at the summit of Rocky Top. (NOT A FLAG WITH A BLOCK M. NO SIREE.) At this point, I'm fairly confident that this defense could stop a speeding bullet.
7. LSU – Death Valley is so named because of its penchant for brutally murdering the potential of any offense that resides therein.
8. Ole Miss – The Rebels – who at one point this season would've been the favorites to win the Egg Bowl – are just hoping not to get scrambled this week.
9. Texas A&M – The Aggies had a bye this week, but their scout team offered a tougher challenge than some of the opponents their SEC brethren played.
10. Tennessee – Mizzou did just about everything they could to give you this game, Vols. Hell, they let you recover that final onside kick TWICE, if you could've just done it right.
11. South Carolina – Golf season is so close that Steve Spurrier can taste it.
12. Florida – The argument can be made that if Will Muschamp doesn't beat Florida State in the Gators' final game, it would mean that Coach Boom wasn't as good of a commander-in-chief as Ron Zook. Just sayin'.
13. Kentucky – Looked absolutely DOMINANT against a top-5 opponent, holding them to just 40 points.
14. Vanderbilt – Shhhhhh, no tears. Only dreams now.
There you have it, your current SEC standings, ranked by a serious, professional journalist. Feel free to get angry at me in the comments!