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Missouri Basketball Coaching Search: The Hush-Hush List

We've highlighted the obvious choices to replace Frank Haith, but stating the obvious didn't work so well last time, did it? Time to get weird and cover all of our bases.

Jack Peglow

On Friday, it will have been one week exactly since Frank Haith's jet began its one way flight from Columbia Regional Airpot to Tulsa International. Since then, we've discussed every plausible candidate for our freshly vacant head basketball coaching position ad nauseam. Gregg Marshall, Ben Howland, Kim Anderson, Tim Floyd, Chris Mack, Mike White, Archie Miller, Brad Underwood, and a plethora of other names have weighed and measured by every news outlet and blog from here to the ends of the internet. It's all speculation at this point. The only thing we know for sure is that trent714 won't be getting a callback.

Some of these coaches can make stronger claims than others, and we've debated all of their qualifications enough to satisfy even the most fact-hungry commenters. Needless to say, we've all been quite thorough.


We thought we'd covered all our bases after Suitcase Mike bolted, but that wasn't the case. While we were watching FlightAware for incoming planes from West Lafayette, Mike Alden snuck Frank Haith in right under our collective noses. He feinted left, and hit us with a haymaker from the right. If he did it last time, what makes you think he won't do it again? History has that nasty habit of repeating itself, which means it's entirely possible that the Haith's replacement will be someone we haven't discussed yet. We need to go deeper, folks.

I took it upon myself to ensure that the faithful readers of Rock M Nation wouldn't be blindsided with another surprise hire. I knew that I needed to think outside the box, but I had to break away from the wire first. With so many new reports barreling in, I found that it was increasingly difficult to get off the coaching carousel's wild ride. In order to root out Alden's intentions, I had to go off the grid.


During my time away, I stumbled upon a discovery that will turn this whole search upside down. It wasn't Alden's hot-list, but something far more valuable. I uncovered his hush-hush list. His file of potential head coaches that he hoped no one would ever see. This treasure was stashed leagues outside of the Columbia city-limits - only a fool would think to look for Mizzou-related information that far away from the source. Luckily, I was fool enough to wander out that far. There were a few familiar names on it, sure, but a great number of them have flown well under the radar. He's even listed a few notes under his favorites!

Without further ado, I present to you the overlooked contenders for our head coaching vacancy, taken word-for-word from the document. The Hush-Hush List.


One of Rick Pitino's other sons

  • The guy's got like, five of them, right?
  • Good coaching genes
  • Richard just won the NIT for Minnesota
  • Odds are one of the others will be good too
  • Just hire all the available ones and see who survives

Norm Stewart

  • #TrueSon
  • Familiar with the area
  • Wouldn't have to relocate
  • A bit old, would be diffic Hell, I'm in my late 50's and my production hasn't slipped. He's only 79, he'll be fiiiiiiine.
  • Just look at what Bill Snyder's done at Kansas State!
  • A lot of these fans are in their 20's, anyone over 45 looks the same to them.
  • The only reason everyone's clamoring for me to hire Kim Anderson is because of Norm. Better to bring in the teacher than the student, right?

Bill Connelly

  • #TrueSon
  • Seems to have a decent knowledge of the game
  • Good at math
  • Already had a good relationship with the media
  • REMEMBER: If contacted, stress the importance of our partnership with Nike

Truman the Tiger

  • #TrueSon
  • National championship experience
  • Good with the kids
  • Excellent motivator

Jon Hamm

  • #TrueSon
  • Would attract more female fans
  • If he can make a sports-related movie, he's gotta know something about basketball
  • REALLY GOOD at speeches

Crowd-sourced coaching

  • All these people already think they'd do a better job than whoever I hire, why not give them a shot?
  • Tweet at recruits
  • No one can be upset at the coach, because they'll just be upset with themselves

Gary Pinkel

  • He's been nails on the football field, why can't he replicate that on the hardwood?
  • Knows the University and its policies inside and out
  • Coaches up recruits well
  • Proven he can succeed in a major conference
  • Relates well with his players (see below)

  • Would be a pretty SEC move

And if we're considering football coaches now, why not the greatest of AWWLLLL TAHM.

Bear Bryant


An actual bear

  • More of a fierce competitor than "The Bear"
  • Aggressive play-style
  • Extremely protective of young players

2 Chainz

  • Knows the game
  • Would be a huge asset to recruiting (popular with kids these days, I hear)
  • Claims to be "close to genius"
  • Sells out arenas

A dog

  • Loyal
  • Easy to train
  • Would probably work for pets/treats
  • Instant fan favorite
  • We'd finally have a dog around the office! :)