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In Need of a New Basketball Coach?

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By Jack Peglow
Jack Peglow

IT'S HAPPENING!

The UM Board of Curators announced that they will be convening at 1pm on Monday, and you know what that means!

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-partner="tweetdeck"><p>The UM Board of Curators must approve significant contracts, so it stands to reason meeting would be to approve new coach.</p>&mdash; Steve Walentik (@Steve_Walentik) <a href="https://twitter.com/Steve_Walentik/statuses/459744022257348608">April 25, 2014</a></blockquote>

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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-partner="tweetdeck"><p>Curators must vote on major hires, such as a new head coach. Board will not confirm what meeting is about, but easy to figure out.</p>&mdash; Dave Matter (@Dave_Matter) <a href="https://twitter.com/Dave_Matter/statuses/459743137062076417">April 25, 2014</a></blockquote>

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FINALLY!

Feels like something's missing, though. I can't quite put my finger on it. Oh, wait.

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-partner="tweetdeck"><p>Alright, so on Monday we&#39;ll be officially hiring … WAIT HOW DO WE STILL NOT KNOW WHO WE&#39;RE HIRING</p>&mdash; Rock M Nation (@rockmnation) <a href="https://twitter.com/rockmnation/statuses/459744427003879424">April 25, 2014</a></blockquote>

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Riiiiiiiight, we still have absolutely no idea who the new guy will be. We need a name. Any name will do, I suppose.

So...

Why not Zoidberg?

He's a fantastic motivator:

Mizoidberg_medium

We'll never have to worry about him misbehaving:

Mizoidberg2_medium

Honestly, we could do much worse.

Zoidberg's agent would neither confirm nor deny his client's interest in the position, but when I reached out to the crustacean personally he was much more candid.

Missouri is a fantastic program with a beautiful campus and plenty of all-you-can-eat dumpsters to frequent. Working there would be a dream!

The good doctor also had a message for anyone doubting his coaching resume:

Mizoidberg3_medium

M-I-Zoidberg!

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