The list below is alphabetical, dig in!
Alabama = Spain
Alabama no matter how they finish are always a favorite, and Spain regardless of their age showing having won the last three major international competitions are still one of the favorites in this upcoming World Cup. Also, you'll note that the players from Spain have some very stylish Euro hair, something akin the trend of Bama bangs. Try and tell me that when Sergio Ramos sits there with that sh*t eating grin you don't see a little AJ McCarron. In fact, would it surprise anyone if Sergio Ramos had some ridiculous tattoo across his chest? I think not.
Arkansas = Algeria
Hogs meet the Desert Foxes, this is who you are. You both start with the letter A, most people reading this haven't been to either Little Rock or Algiers and probably isn't on top of their list to make the trip to and someone's gonna have to finish last in this tournament and that was you guys last year. Honestly, I don't think any country in the World Cup matches up with you guys, you are a group all your own, but Algeria it is!
Auburn = Brasil
Congrats Auburn, the World Cup runs through you, just as it does for Brasil this coming month. You won the SEC by running up and down the field crushing dreams and putting points on the board, just like Brasil will do in the coming month. If Uncle Vern and Gary Danielson were calling a Brasil game it would not matter who they were playing or what skills the opponent possessed, they would not care and pretty much ignore everything and those comments they did make would be unintelligible and probably wrong, kind of like watching last year's SEC championship game!
Florida = Mexico
Gators you are El Tri. You are both seriously banged up, I mean everyone is hurt and you're losing to random teams, Georgia Southern for the Gators, and Bosnia Herzegovina in the case of Mexico. You've got loads of talent and you're not really sure why you're not winning more games and your fans are pissed. Also, jorts.
Georgia = Portugal
Dawgs you are the Christiano Ronaldo led Portugal. You're in a tough group and you've got a tough schedule and no one seems to notice that there is anyone on your team besides Todd Gurley. You're a name and you get a ton of credit for that, also people are hurt, lots of em! You're on the coast so you get a lot of sun and let's be frank, you all tan quite well. Not surprisingly you both love dogs!
Kentucky = Australia
Congrats Wildcats you're the Socceroos! And this was surprisingly easy. You both would prefer to be watching your team play another sport, Kentucky in your case it's basketball and in Australia's case it's rugby. Don't worry, this tournament/season will be over for you pretty quickly and painlessly and you can go right back to not caring about soccer/football.
LSU = Italy
Strictly speaking Mario Balotelli is crazy and so is your coach. Would it surprise anyone if you turned on the cup and found Les Miles wearing a skinny man scarf wearing no socks with some Armani loafers hanging out with Balotelli and Mario Falcone? More specifically, the Italians can score, and play sneaky good defense, just like you LSU. Also, I bet Les Miles has a mohawk under that giant hat of his.
Mizzou = Belgium
Mizzou you came out of nowhere and took the SEC East in your second year, much like people expect Belgium to be the surprise team in this year's World Cup. Also like Belgium the inhabitants of your state can't decide how to pronounce the state's name, while Belgians can't decide what language they view as the official one for their country. The people of Belgium are known for their appreciation for life on two wheels much like Mizzou's starting Quarterback Maty Mauk does, and on top of all that, Belgium has bought all your largest breweries and made them their own. Hell, Belgium and Mizzou might as well make it official and get married.
Mississippi State = Korea Republic
I'm just going to say this from the top, South Africa, you had one job.
Qualify for the World Cup and then I could just type BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ and CLANGACLANGACLANGACLANGACLANGACLANGACLANGACLANGACLANGACLANGA.
But you didn't. So, Mississippi State you are Korea who are known for their Pan Pan noise makers so CLANGACLANGACLANGACLANGA meet PANPANPANPANPANPANPANPANPANPANPANPANPANPANPANPAN!!!!!
Ole Miss = Croatia
Rebels you are Croatia. Why? Because we are all really more interested in taking a look at your lady fans than we are at looking at you play any sport. Sure the cameras may spend some time checking out the run of play but when it comes down to it, they're gonna pan the crowd and find something more attractive, just like with Croatia!
South Carolina = Netherlands
If the World Cup were taking place in the SEC the Orange would be Sandstorming their way onto the field. Cocks, you're the Netherlands because invariably you'll lose some crazy game you shouldn't have that will then put you in an bad situation once you make it to the second round, see Brasil in round 2. Let's not also forget that Connor Shaw could win an Arjen Robben look a like contest at any World Cup Viewing party. Finally, would it surprise anyone if the Ol' Ball Coach was ok with some of the social drugs that are legal in Amsterdam being legal in Columbia, SC?
Tennessee = England
Ol Rocky Top, you're England. You're big fans of tradition but you're not doing so hot right now, you've kind of been stumbling around a lot and you're a big fan of talking about the good old days, just like the English! You've been going through football coaches like Wayne Rooney goes through hair plugs, but you're optimistic now. You've got a very tough group, just like you do in the East and you're waiting for the next Peyton Manning/David Beckham.
Texas A&M = USA
Aggies you're the USA! America is big and loud and new to the world stage, but once they get on it they certainly make their presence felt. The US' fans love singing songs in unison when directed and so do you! You really want to be good and you want to do well, but you look up your group and there are mountains in your way, just like the SEC West. Finally, when thinking of Landon Donovan drama, is there a more natural comparison than the SEC's own Johnny Drama, Johnny Football?
Vanderbilt = Switzerland
Vandy you are the Swiss! Like the Swiss you are back in the limelight and have been ranked pretty highly, yet you have not done much to get there, other than beating a bunch of teams that weren't very good to begin with. You're a creature of your schedule and your smarts to master it to your benefit. Can anyone explain how Switzerland is ranked 6th in the FIFA rankings, nope! And we're not sure how Vandy got ranked either to be honest with you.
So what do you think? Please share any and all thoughts in the comments below. Maybe I'll put together a version of this for SEC Basketball.
Have at it!