1. Alabama – It's Amari Cooper's world, we're just livin' in it.
2. Texas A&M – Please, Aggies, I implore you, shift into hyper-speed during your first drive and keep your foot on the gas until Bert's head asplodes. I don't even really need you to win, I just want to see his face turn a deeper red than his Arkansas garb.
3. Auburn – Looked about as underwhelming in a win as a team possibly can. Traveling to Kansas will do that to you, though.
4. Ole Miss – Dr. Bo taking a sabbatical, golfing with his fellow surgeons, and just SLAMMING beers as he regales his colleagues with tales of turning operations into drinking games.
5. South Carolina – WAAAAYLP they didn't look so good against them 'Dores, but they snagged some all-important motivation heading into the College Gameday SHOWDOWN with Mizzou.
6. Georgia – The Dawgs had a nice tune-up last week in preparation for their attempt to go 2-0 against the color orange.
7. Mississippi State – CLANGACLANGACLANGACLANGACLANGA. MSU accomplished something this week that's very rare in college football: they lived up to the "popular upset pick" hype. #Dak4President
8. LSU – DONE GOT DAK'D. Almost Les'd MSU at the end, but there wasn't enough magic left in the tank.
9. Florida – How 'bout that defense!? What's that? The Missouri blog shouldn't be throwing stones? Look, our glass house already exploded into a billion tiny pieces, we can say whatever we want and there's nothing you can do about it! (also: can we crash on your couch for a few weeks?)
10. Arkansas – I do believe the Razorbacks are feelin' stronger every week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know they're alright now.
11. Tennessee – They'll probably beat Georgia this week, because the SEC East's Wild Ride never stops.
12. Mizzou – In an attempt to explore the deepest, darkest spans of waste found below the radar, the Tigers decided to lay a big ol' egg. Markus Golden's absence significantly hindered Mizzou's ability to pressure the quarterback, and the offensive line decided to take their bye two weeks early. Not great, Bob.
13. Kentucky – Had one of the most productive bye weeks this year, gaining ground on both Florida and Missouri in a non-effort.
14. Vanderbilt – Two (2) straight 34-point performances! Now, if the 'Dores could just hold an opponent under 30 points.
There you have it, your current SEC standings, ranked by a serious, professional journalist. Feel free to get angry at me in the comments!