1. Alabama – Beating Ole Miss would finally put the Tide on the national radar.
2. Auburn – Fast forward several weeks into the future, and we find two quarterbacks lining up next to each other. The center snaps the ball diagonally to one of them, depending upon the play. Two of the linemen are cyborgs, and one receiver is fully robotic.
3. Texas A&M – If they can topple the #AllDakEverything offense, the Aggies can prove once and for all that they possess the superior shade of Maroon.
4. Ole Miss – Dr. Bo will be performing an intricate, complicated surgery in front of the College Gameday audience. What could go wrong?
5. Mississippi State – We've got ourselves a matchup featuring two undefeated SEC Westerners at noon in Starkvegas. Buckle up y'all, weird football comin'.
6. Georgia – Eventually, the Dawgs will find themselves in a situation that Todd Gurley can't fireman-carry them out of, right? RIGHT!?
7. LSU – Looks like it's Brandon Harris' time to shine now. Les and company will need him to show out if they want to shake things up in the West.
8. Missouri – Maty Mauk squandered an opportunity to prove that he belongs in the top tier of SEC quarterbacks. Luckily, Marcus Murphy and Russell Hansbrough were there to secure a huge bounce-back win for the Tigers.
9. Arkansas – BERT isn't built for endurance, Hogs. You gotta get your games finished up in regulation.
10. South Carolina – "Waaaaayyyylp, we just gotta keep playin' 'em in the other Columbia, I guess."
11. Tennessee – The Vols looked strong against the Dawgs, and they have a very real shot at securing a decent bowl this week against Florida. Surely nothing will go wrong, this is the SEC East after all.
12. Florida – Super excited for another hard-fought battle between the Gators and the Vols with a whole lot on the line. Sure, it's at noon, and sure, what's on the line is job security and bowl eligibility, but that doesn't make the first sentence any less true.
13. Kentucky – In the Battle at the Bottom™, the Wildcats took it to Vandy. There's a very real chance that they throw a hitch in someone's season.
14. Vanderbilt – On the bright side, the semester's second round of tests are coming up soon!
There you have it, your current SEC standings, ranked by a serious, professional journalist. Feel free to get angry at me in the comments!