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The Lazy Fan's Guide to Week 5

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It's week 5 in the SEC and if you haven't started at QB for one of the 14 schools, raise your hand!

Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

When Missouri entered the SEC everyone told us how tough and hard nosed it would be, how Quarterback play just wasn't as important because the game was won in the trenches...well I call BALONEY, grade A Baloney, like a cat fashion show. Anyway, if your team has not had a little quarterback shuffle, congrats, your team is probably winning! But enough about this to the week that was. Florida is back (so long as Butch Jones is coaching the other team)!!! Arkansas is done (we demand more cupcakes)!!! Kentucky is the real deal (pray every team loses every starter in the first half)!!! Auburn is dead (rebuilding is hard you say?)!!! You get the idea.

But what do we have on our schedule for this week? Well we're back to a lot of Top 25 SEC on SEC action (hide your kids, hide your wife, etc.) and of course because of SEC scheduling more directional college cupcakes just to break up your day so you don't spend the entirety of your Saturday slumped on your couch getting that indentation just so. As in previous weeks we've ranked the games on watchability (apparently people don't like watcheability because it makes them uncomfortable), so you can plan your Saturday accordingly, and we've picked winners for you so you can make money if you are a gambler.

To the records!

Picker Correct Picks Less Correct Picks Overall Record to Date
kristina 43 8 43-8
Chris 44 7 44-7


Damn we're good! (Stupid Auburn, you ruin everything!!)

To the games!

South Carolina at Missouri 11:00 am SEC Network / WatchESPN


Welcome to Locktober everyone! Starting Missouri Quarterback Maty Mauk has been suspended for unspecified reasons by Pinky and it's now time for the true freshman to get out there and see what he can do. Mind you his starting RB is hurt, the OLine is a shambles that can't get a push, his outlet TE is damaged, his WRs are greener than Ruby Rhod on a good day, finally the greatest tackler the SEC is out...so, no pressure Lock...oh and did we mention he's a true freshman? What could go wrong?! Fun fact, in the past two meetings the home team has lost...

Scale of Watchability: Set the big board to SEC Defcon 3 and make it snappy. It's the only SEC game available to you, it's got the Ol' Ball Coach and it's the battle for Columbia supremacy. It's worth tuning in for.

kristina: "Fun" fact. Um, I'll sacrifice and DVR this one so we can get the win, fair? Lock is like duct tape, fixes everything? Watching the first half of this live, but then after that, we're having some booze, so guess I'm drinking to Lock's awesome start or the fact we can't beat Spurrier.

Chris: Man, it's hard to pick against Mizzou when South Carolina has looked so pedestrian, but then Mizzou looked worse last weekend against Kentucky (who I'm not going to give a lot of credit to, you can't make me!)...so screw it! Welcome to Locktober people! The freshman gets it done and Maty Mauk becomes a great cheerleader. Mizzou wins and Tiger fans begin to wonder who will QB this team next week.

#13 Alabama at #8 Georgia 2:30 pm CBS / CBS Video


Bulldogs have been rolling, though against not a particularly tough slew of opponents, and 'Bama doesn't want a second loss putting their playoff hopes closer to the fire. Greyson Lambert (hey, if football doesn't pan out, soap opera should be in the cards) has been very good and, of course, dating a beauty queen never hurt anyone. Life's great after transferring! Somewhat ironic Lambert was recruited by Saban? I mean, Saban doesn't power up the private jet for anyone. (Pinkelcopter's better, deal with it.)

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 1, especially in the time slot. Fun stat, UGA's kicker just needs one more extra point to break an SEC record. Something tells us that'll probably happen. Lambert also has yet to throw an interception, see if that holds up this week as well. Lots of records/stats at stake, Chubb needs another 100 yard game to break Herschel Walker's UGA record for the most consecutive ones.

kristina: Bulldogs. Time to (not really) silence all those "East is down!" critics! Maybe Lock needs a beauty queen? Our stats overlord doesn't seem to think this is a great pick though. As we lazy fans say....

¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

Chris: Well, this is the big one and will tell us two things: Is Alabama truly dead? And is Georgia truly the best in the East? Let's go with 'Bama's dead and Georgia is ascending into the top 5 of the polls while their fans slowly starting looking down schedule for where it all falls apart, UGA style.

San Jose State at Auburn 3:00 pm SEC Network / WatchESPN


Good lord there are times I love the SEC but sometimes I find it quite lame. While it's good fun to be able to see a conference game in week 1, when we get to week 5 and this is an option for viewing, I'm sorry my eyes roll to the back of my head, do back flips and I just give up. Anyway, Auburm is coming off a tough loss to State so they look forward to the Spartans trip to Jordan-Hare where the big story will be how unfair it is for a West Coast team to come to the mid east/south east and what jet lag they will experience. Someone contact Peter King, he loves complaining about this kind of stuff.

Scale of Watchability: Set us to SEC Defcon 5 and think nothing more of it. This game is going directly head to head with the biggest game of the SEC day and if you're choosing to watch this you're probably a hard care Auburn fan with only one viewing option who can't hate watch the UGA-Bama game to cheer on the Dawgs (god I hate that) to defeat your bitter rival. In short, go to a bar to watch both games if you must.

kristina: Auburn. Good thing San Jose is so good at punting, they'll probably be doing that quite a bit. Yes, I spent way too much time on NCAA's stats site, I'm getting pulled over to the dark side I guess, sans the lack of Puma in the house.

Chris: I mean, even considering how not great the Tigers of the Plains are playing they're still better than the sleep deprived Spartans of San Jose State. Thanks Spartans for helping the Tigers feel better about themselves before next weekend's battle with Kentucky that will tell us absolutely nothing.

#3 Ole Miss at #25 Florida 6:00 pm ESPN / WatchESPN


Ole Miss, what are you doing? You can't spend most of a game tied with Vandy! If only so we Mizzou fans don't have any (more?) reason to worry about our matchup with the Commodores, while Florida gave us the latest episode of #voluntears. And yet another round of coaches and respect, or lack thereof. Then again, saying a team is probably overlooking us sounds like a much better way to motivate a team versus blaring something like Rocky Top all practice long.

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 3. Fun fact, Florida is 10-10 when going for it on fourth down. Watch and see if the Rebels are a little more lively, guess they slacked off last week. (Honestly, once you beat 'Bama, how do you get psyched up for Vandy?)

kristina: Rebels. Not coming off a great game and wanting to keep the college playoff record nice and shiny. Plus, a rout of Florida will make us all happier about when they come to CoMo, right? So much fun!

Chris: You know how some teams just get ranked because voters REALLY, REALLY want them to be back to the days when they were great (cough, Notre Dame, cough)? Well that's what this Florida team makes me think of. They're good but not top 25 good. Crazy ass Chad Kelly is going to lead the Black Bears into the Swamp and come out victorious, then probably steal a tank or something and crush a police car.

Arkansas at Tennessee 6:00 pm ESPN2 / WatchESPN


At the start of the season, just a short month ago, everyone was falling all over themselves to say this was Arkansas and Tennessee's year, they were back. Both their big goofy looking coaches in their third year on the job after tremendous jobs on the recruiting trail were supposed to bring glory back to these schools, or so we've been told ad nauseam. Well guys, there's always next year! Someone's going to win this game and someone is going to blow said win way out of proportion.

Scale of Watchability: Set us to SEC Defcon 2! We're not quite at 1 because of what game comes up half an hour later, but still a good one because someone has to win and it's bound to get silly. So grab your popcorn and enjoy the first half hour of this affair as we are regaled about how all it will take is one little tweak in both team's cases.

kristina: Everybody go hogwild! So I have to pick Bielema or Voluntears? Fine, Tennessee. If you must watch this, why not have a little fun?

Chris: The game is at Tennessee, so that looks good for the Vols and less so for the Hogs. Honestly both teams bother me after an offseason of hype that started pretty much on January 2nd of this year. I will be avoiding this game, but take the Vols and assume that when they win, like Kramer, Butch Jones fell "ass backwards" into that win and after the game has the look of someone who did something great but has no idea how.

Eastern Michigan at #9 LSU 6:00 pm ESPNU / WatchESPN


And the Leonard Fournette show continues! (Can we borrow him just for one game?) He almost broke the SEC single game rushing record last weekend, but an 87-yarder was called back on a penalty. So many penalties, LSU, quit trying to cheat! Hey, LSU had more penalty yards than Mizzou had rushing, womp womp. This could get beyond ugly, as the Eagles' rush defense is, well, not very good. (No, really, it's ranked dead last right now.) But for the beyond optimistic fans, one betting site gives you a whole 2% chance to pull the upset.

Scale of Watchability: We'll put this one at SEC Defcon 5, with the exception of watching Fournette have his way and make it the fourth game in a row to achieve a personal best, with 244 yards vs. Syracuse as the stat to beat. This late in the day, find a better game.

kristina: LSU. Nothing says this will be close and still on tv, yes I'm still bitter about watching Arkansas State on my phone, get off my lawn! Fournette keeps going with his Juggernaut ways.

Chris: Again, thanks for the scheduling SEC. The more I write on this the more credence I give its existence at this point in the season. Eagles get paid, get out of town and enjoy your time on ESPNU, oh and let me know if it's true LSU fans all smell like corn dogs. Never had one and don't want one!

Vanderbilt at Middle Tennessee State 6:00 pm CBS Sports Network / CBSN


It's time to find out who truly is the school that owns Tennessee and this is step one in that direction. The fancy pirates of Vanderbilt head to Murfreesboro where it's Homecoming and they're having a blue out! So all you fans in Murfreesboro, where blue, not white, BLUE!

Scale of Watchability: Let's quietly set the board to SEC Defcon 5. Nothing to see here folks, you've got other options, and if your choice is watching this or just sitting in silence while contemplating what you want to make for breakfast on Sunday, take the sitting. As Mr. Burns said, there's nothing like a good sit.

kristina: My pick is watch something else. Um, again, just to keep things interesting, Vandy. Mason's cheat sheet has to work at some point this season, right?

Chris: I'm feeling weird, let's go Middle Tennessee State because well why not. It's homecoming, there will be blue and the Blue Raiders did just almost beat Illinois. Middle Tennessee State, BOOOM!

#21 Mississippi State at #14 Texas A&M 6:30 pm SEC Network / WatchESPN


Once again, we're spared from the cowbells. Christopher Walken is not amused! Rough stretch for A&M coming up as they face Alabama and Ole Miss after this. They also come in averaging around 41 points a game (imagine that, Mizzou fans!) Against that though, the bulldogs have only averaged giving up fifteen points to their opponents. Something's got to give, right? Hopefully, for the Aggies, they've fixed their stadium issues, nothing like spending $485 million and you blow a few speakers. But the system should be fully operational for this one.

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 2. Later in the day, so you may have another game you want or be passed out (naps are great, kids!) but this one should be good. Only the third time (out of nine) these two have played at College Station, where the bulldogs only win came back in 1913.

kristina: This might be a bad idea, but I'm going bulldogs. A&M hasn't gone 2-0 to open up the conference since about the time I graduated high school, fun fact for you there. And Mississippi State is, of course, the college of our East Coast RMN contingent's "favorite" baseball closer!

Chris: The night cap, what a delightful game! So much at stake here, a big step forward possible for A&M and a continued win streak for State. Texas A&M is crazy good this year it appears so betting against them seems silly at this point. Take the Aggies and their enormous stadium which will be full of swaying, making out, articulated hand gestures and probably overalls, silly stupid overalls. Bark, bark bark...yes commander dog, right away!

Eastern Kentucky at Kentucky 6:30 pm SEC Network / WatchESPN


Kentucky vs Eastern Kentucky, wow, it's a battle so big how can one state contain it?! Why don't the Hilltoppers get a chance at this game? Truly all three directional Kentuckys should be facing off at once, make the field have three sides, three endzones and see what happens. What could go wrong? Nothing that's what. Kentucky fresh off their first win over Mizzou in ever is riding high and Patrick Towles is feeling good and fancy free, it's their time, just ask them.

Scale of Watchability: We've got another SEC Defcon 5 situation here. I mean, why are you even bothering with this? You know A&M and State are playing at the same time and apparently on the same channel. Maybe you can split screen it. Don't watch this game, it's not for you.

kristina: Kentucky. If you're that bored, or stuck at a Kentucky relative's birthday party, drink anytime they mention Mizzou. Sigh.

Chris: Kentucky will beat directional Kentucky and all will be rainbows, puppy dogs and ice cream in Lexington. Somewhere Ashley Judd is asking herself a question about possibly getting season tickets and what that would mean for her change in lifestyle.

And that will wrap up week 5, a schedule of great matchups and well, other games. Where's kristina and I's thinking on things? Let's see:

Pickers SEC Winners SEC Losers
kristina Mizzou, Georgia, Auburn, Ole Miss, Tennessee,  LSU, Mississippi State, Kentucky, Vandy South Carolina, Alabama, Florida, Arkansas, A&M
Chris Mizzou, Georgia, Auburn, Ole Miss, Tennessee,  LSU, A&M, Kentucky South Carolina, Alabama, Florida, Arkansas, Vanderbilt, Mississippi State


Enjoy the games everyone! We'll assume we have yet to receive any booze as y'all didn't send it with SEC speed. Express mail isn't cheap!