clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

The Lazy Fan's Guide to Week 7

The SEC chugs on into week 7 where things are getting weird.

Jim Dedmon-USA TODAY Sports

Man! Week 6 in the SEC was crazy, one of the craziest I do believe I've seen since Mizzou entered the SEC. The games, the injuries, the drama, the roids, the retirements and the complete and total stupidity by one of the league's coaches.

Though all the games three major events occurred in the SEC, Will Grier was all hopped up on 'roids all season, Nick Chubb was taken down by the Vols, Arkansas' Kool Aid Man coach acted like a complete and total ass and finally, everyone's favorite coach, Steve Spurrier has retired. OH GOOD LORD WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO STEVE? In one coaching move the SEC got just a little more boring, lost a alot of its personality and a big part of its fun.  So, in honor of everyone's favorite golfer and coach, Steve has taken over the SEC Scale of Wathcability this week. In its place we've got the Spurrier Scale of Watchability! We'll find out how Steve would rate these games now that he's out of the biz (for now).

To the records!

Picker Correct Picks Incorrect Picks Overall Record to Date
kristina 5 5 55-17
Chris 5 5 55-17

Well we went fully .500 this week. We got too into our Tigers and then we couldn't have seen what transpired in Knoxville home of all the starts and orange nightmare.

Wait, so this makes how many games over/under .500 we are pretty easy, don't even need a calculator. Tennessee is becoming the football equivalent of Vandy's basketball court.

To the games!

Auburn at Kentucky 6:00 PM ESPN / WatchESPN

It's a Thursday night affair in Lexington! And boy are the Kentucky fans slowly losing interest in their team. I mean c'mon it's bound to happen basketball season is just a moment away. Can you taste it Big Blue Nation? The desire to print up shirts with no losses, a national championship with nothing but freshmen and other guys? It's all there. But football is on your schedule until at least the end of November, so do your best.

Spurrier Scale of Watchability: Welllllllllllll, I gotta say there's nothing better than a Thursday night game, had me a few in my time, and boy did we have some fun. I remember one night in Columbia, we got through the third quarter, and well it being me any staff's nature we started pouring the jungle juice we had in one of our gatorade coolers and boy did that game just get better and better. Problem was no one told the kids and at the end of the game they decided to give the Head Ball Coach the gatorade bath, pineapples, mangos and oranges went flying, a waste to be sure, but man I've never been drunker on a football field.

kristina: Auburn, I guess. UK's too busy getting Judd ready for the hoops season. Malzahn hasn't named a starting QB yet, shocking. All the QB drama.

Chris: Sorry, I just don't want to buy into the Wildcats, I DON'T! So I'm taking Auburn on the road because damn it, that's just what needs to happen. Tigers get it done while the Wildcats throw in the Towles.

#13 Ole Miss at Memphis 11:00 AM ABC/ESPN2 / WatchESPN

Have your morning drinks ready to go, folks. Bloody Mary, mimosa, left-over beer bottle still on the coffee table. Tell me at least you have it on a coaster, geez. Grounds open up at 5 a.m., who the hell is up that early? (and functioning?) Memphis features a 6'7" QB, and that's just a tad tall. At least one Bortles right?Both teams are averaging more than 40 points a game, so sounds like a shootout (which then of course means it'll end up 7-3 or something silly like that) Fun fact, first time these two ever played, Ole Miss won 82-0. Ouch.

Spurrier Scale of Watchability: Man, 11:00 AM on a Saturday when the Head Ball Coach doesn't have to be coaching or footballing, well my friend I don't think so. No, by 11:00 AM (your time), your pal Steve will be cracking his first Coors Light Tall Boy (a little later than a typical Saturday) as I head out on the bay to do some paddle boarding. You ever paddle boarded? Strangest thing, you stand on a surf board and using an oar move yourself about, I know! Anyway, Jerri swears it's the latest thing and well, who am I but to try something new? Reminds me of the time I was walking down Beale Street and a gentleman told me he had a frozen monkey hand to sell and if I'd be interested, well clearly I was and to this day, whenever I need a win, I rub that monkey hand vigorously.

kristina: Boogie-boarding is more fun. Rebels I guess, conference solidarity yadda, blah blah. Plus, the only thing one needs to think of when we hear Memphis is Denmon's 3/4 court shot. Basketball was so much fun then!

Chris: COME ON!!!!!!!!! Another random game against a team that isn't from the conference? At least it's not a directional school I suppose...Anyway, you know Ole Miss is gonna win this game and make the Liberty Bowl their own. And when they do all the crazy ass Memphis players will start fighting like it was a 2014 bowl game. History repeats itself.

Louisiana Tech at Mississippi State 11:00 AM SEC Network/ WatchESPN

Well all I can say is thank god this game is at 11:00 AM so it's very, VERY, easy to ignore. LA Tech at State, I mean really? LA Tech has not fared poorly this season, to be fair and they're riding a nice little three game winning streak, so you know, momentum and what have you. Last week Dak was sick and he still took care of business over Troy, so you're telling me a LA Tech against a healthy Dak has a chance? HA!

Spurrier Scale of Watchability: People ask me Steve, how was it being a Quarterback in the NFL? And I have to be honest with you, being the 3rd pick by the San Francisco 49ers was exciting, but if you think Ol' Steve in San Fran in the summer of love 60s wasn't going to partake, then you don't know Steve. There were strange cups  being passed around in the Haight Ashbury, people putting flowers in your hair and hand on your ass. Great time to be alive and to be me. Funny thing, I may have enjoyed the blue cup and one day I found myself on special teams just punting the dang ball all over Kezar stadium, turns out I had a knack for it. Also, it left me more time to just sit and let the world into me, and I into it.  Anyway, we old 49ers keep in touch and that's why next week me, Tim Rattay and Ken Dorsey are heading out fishing in the San Francisco Bay, we won't catch nuthin' but when we fail to pick up Steve Bono at the dock, well that'll make the day that much more special.

kristina: Have away environments really become that challenging? It's one thing to blare "rocky top" to get your players acclimated, but now we're practicing to cowbells clanging? Let's give all the players migraines before the game, solid plan. Bulldogs win. Everyone's eardrums lose.

Chris: I mean must I explain my lack of interest in this game. We've gone full Bulldog with this game, one will be the winner the other well it'll tuck tail and head back to Louisiana to lick it's wounds, scratch behind it's ear and not let it's friend go swimming because the water is evil!

#10 Alabama at #9 Texas A&M 2:30 PM CBS / CBS Video

A relevant game! 'Bama at least managed to score a field goal in the first half of last weekend's game to keep that (ever so important?) first-half scoring record alive. (It's at 109 games if you want a useless stat for the day) But are most stats like that? Bill's not here, right? Don't want to anger the Puma. Least this should be better than the 59-0 match-up from last year. And what is this KFC nonsense? (Kyle Field Cover watch) Not so clever, Aggies.

Spurrier Scale of Watchability: Oooh boy this is a doozy, a helluva game to be sure. The HBC had many a game in his time broadcast as the CBS game of the week. That music still gets me feeling some kind of way. Funny story, back in 2006 in Gary Danielson's first year on the job, Verne and I thought it would be great fun to challenge the new guy to Southern Comfort drinking contest, and you know I can hold my liquor, and don't get me started on Verne, I've seen him down a bottle of Tequila with his moons over my hammy just to shake the sleep off. Anyway, we challenge Gary and he wants to be one of the big boys so he downs that SoCo as if his life depended upon it, it was out of sight my friends.  Being good and lubricated, feeling no pain, we convince him that he should try to steal a Cockaboose! Wouldn't you know it he tried his best but after 30 minutes he ended up puking in his conductor's hat and passed out at the 50 yard line at Williams-Brice, ah memories.

kristina: Ah, the weekly "Chris is SEC speed and let's have some controversy" pick. 'Bama. Plus, the last time I didn't pick them, they apparently were not pleased with the selection. Saban's powers only grow stronger as we approach Halloween. (And something about S&P+ says this is a good pick, though I threw that ranking out for my Mizzou option.) ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Chris: Big game, the kind of SEC game you look to spend all season telling your friends this is what the SEC does! Anyway, this game could decide who when they play LSU will win the West. The game's in College Station where the crazies are organized and crazy. Watch for Nick Saban to sacrifice a goat at halftime, but it won't matter, winner thy name is A&M.

Vanderbilt at South Carolina 3:00 PM SEC Network/ WatchESPN

South Carolina's reeling without their coach, Vanderbilt is reeling because they have to play football, it's a game that has sadness written all over it. Vandy's coming off a bye and South Carolina is coming off a home game on the road, it's got it all! Williams-Brice will be rocking, the good feelings will be flowing and it's just a shame that absolutely no one interested in SEC football will be watching it.

Spurrier Scale of Watchability: I feel bad, I truly do, leaving those kids midway through the season but sometimes you've got to do what you think is right, and coaching this game against Vanderbilt just seemed like a big waste of my time. Nope, the Head Ball Coach will be just getting home from a good day of paddle boarding and downing Coors Lights to make the paddling seem worth it. No, I figure I'll spend the rest of my afternoon just needling that garden gnome that owns Washington's football team and former head coach Joe Gibbs via text. Ha, did you know my career in the NFL was based on a dare by Roy Kramer? Ol Krames bet I wouldn't leave Florida to take a pro job with the most dysfunctional group of individual you'd ever seen. Well the HBC isn't one to turn down a dare, it's just not polite.  Anyway, I figure if Krames was going to push me into this situation I might as well not go it alone, so I brought all my old players with me, since they knew how the HBC did things with practice and the like. Had Reche, Chandler, Doering, Jacquez, Willie Jackson, Taylor J, the ball slinger Shane, and of course Danny, my little Danny. Well we took the NFL by storm and Gator'ed it up, beer at practice, 20 hour work weeks and golf on Saturdays. Not a bad time, I tell you what. In the end once I'd served my time it was time to collect on that bet and Krames came through. Got a nice set of jet skis that Jerri and enjoy to this day.

kristina: Still no faith in Vandy, plus, agreed the troops rally around their soon-to-be retired fearless leader. I want Spurrier to throw his visor into the crowd after they pull off the win. They deserve it after the last week with all the troubles.

Chris: Well it's South Carolina isn't it? They got hosed by weather last week and I don't care how nice LSU fans were, that game should no have been played in LSU. Vandy, you're well rested and you're ready to play but you're not beating the Cocks in this game. You know it, I know it, hell your coach knows it. Go Cocks!

#8 Florida at #6 LSU 6:00 PM ESPN/ WatchESPN

Well, another week, another "who got suspended and for why" in the SEC as our QB drama continues. Florida has to go with their sophomore Harris, who, gee, was suspended for a time last year. Guys, stop doing stupid things! Or at least do them in time to get benched before you play us, geez, have some manners, it is the South. Stupid sweet tea. Wait, LSU has another RB who ran for more yards than Fournette? Did y'all not learn how to share, please let us borrow one? We'll try not to get him injured or anything.

Spurrier Scale of Watchability: Oh boy, your ol' pal Steve made his bones down at the U of F, played my college ball there, won big as a head ball coach there, I saw and did it all in Gainesville. Had a lot of good times there. Back when the Gators were recruiting that young fella, Tebow, Urban gave me a ring to see if I could help him out and seal the deal. Now you might find this odd that I'd help out an opposing coach for a kid I wanted, but you see I owe Urban for that time with the thing and he won't let me forget it. Anyway, I head down on his recruiting visit and I took charge of the kid, didn't want any of those players doing something to screw it up. You know they call big Steve the closer. Anyway, I took Tebow out for a nice meal, and then it was off to Gator City for a time he would never forget. Once we got there I bought the kid a couple fuzzy navels to loosen him up and then set him loose on the dance floor. That boy had never seen ladies dancing like that before and within 5 minutes he was begging to sign his letter of intent on the spot and asking if I'd adopt him. Done deal, Steve had come through again. Well you know what happened next, that boy won himself a Heisman, a National Championship and the love of many. But I'll always remember him as the 17 year old kid on his knees praising the lord for mini skirts, sweet booze and the sounds of Sean Paul, Nelly and Shakira, hips don't lie my friends.

kristina: Bahahaha, Gators. Hope you enjoyed your victory before the train wreck. And there's still plenty of time left before Saturday for more of your players to screw up. (College kids never do that, right?) Thankfully Facebook and twitter didn't exist for most of us in those years. LSU. Serves you right, Gators.

Chris: Well one win over Mizzou and the whole Florida program falls apart. The QB's hopped up on 'roids, the cornerback is an abuser and their greatest coach is retiring. Looks like it's collapsin' time at Florida. Leonard Fournette is going to run all over what's left of Florida and it's going to be a delight to watch. No one wins at LSU after dark, except LSU.

Missouri at Georgia 6:30 PM SEC Network/ WatchESPN

Mizzou the dream is over, it looks like someone else will be representing the East in Atlanta in December...that is unless...things get weird. And we all know what happened last time Mizzou went into Athens...VICTORY!!! Can Drew Lock pick up where Maty Mauk left off in his first appearance for Mizzou? Who's going to run the ball for Georgia? So many questions!!!

Spurrier Scale of Watchability: Oooh boy, the Head Ball Coach never really got a good handle on the Tigers from Ol' Mizzou, ain't that the truth. Many have claimed that I started making the visor popular for football coaches regardless of weather, date, time or if the sun was even out. Gary Pinkel, that man he loves the visor and I bet you don't know why. Well following the Independence Bowl in 2005, Gary and I met up at the Noble Savage and we had ourselves a night. We'd put the wives and kids to bed and just hit the town, I'm not sure how it happened but we ended up on the Red River just passing a bottle of Marcus James talking about the future. Well Gary asked if I had any advice, how to get his program moving in the right direction, and I was three sheets at that point and in a moment where I was trying to adjust my visor he looked towards me and with a look on his face that said he understood that he knew it was the visor. Well I didn't want to break his heart, but I was actually pulling a joint out from behind my ear getting ready to get philosophical on him. You should've seen the look on his face, it was like a seeing the end of The Usual Suspects for the first time and finding out the gimpy guy was the murdering guy the whole time, he could spin a yarn could he not? Anyway, Gary had a head full of steam at that point and we had to head directly back to our respective hotels so he could get to work as he put it. We never spoke of it, but from time to time I'll see him and he'll give me a wink and a tug on his visor, and deep inside, man all I'll think about is sparking up a J and watching kittens on treadmills on Youtube.

kristina: I have to be the sunshine pumper here? Fine. Mizzou, 'cause I can. Plus, I have a cat who could use the treadmill. Go figure bacon tastes better than kitty chow, she's not wrong there. Enjoy Athens for those who are attending, it (was) last time I was there a really nice place, the campus is beautiful. But we're still winning, so sorry for that.

Chris: Mizzou, well it looks like you're gonna get smoked. On the road, the offense seems troubled and Maty Mauk is being a grade A ass. This team will be good next year but I just don't see it in this one. Take the Dawgs, sadly.

Pickers SEC Winners SEC Losers
kristina Auburn, Ole Miss, Mississippi State, Alabama, South Carolina, LSU, Missouri Kentucky, A&M, Vanderbilt, Florida, Georgia
Chris Auburn, Ole Miss, Mississippi State, A&M, South Carolina, LSU, Georgia Kentucky, Alabama, Vanderbilt, Florida, Missouri

And that'll do it!
Enjoy the games all! But seriously, where's our booze? At least tip us!