- Through my countless insider sources on the team, I've been able to deduce the exact nature of Maty Mauk's suspension. What follows is a direct transcript of the event leading to Gary Pinkel's decision.
[A player who shall remain unnamed walks into Pinkel's office, a somber look on his face]
Player: "Coach, I saw Maty cheating during drills today. He was deflating the balls."
Pinkel: "No one likes a tattle-tail, son. Except, of course, me."
[Gary calls a meeting of the coaches, meeting Spurrier face-to-face at the SEC offices]
Spurrier: "Waaayyyl, that might be a problem. I'm afraid you forfeit."
Pinkel "Hey, who said so? The game is a draw!"
Spurrier: "No you don't, Pinkel! You don't play, you lose, right Sankey!?"
Greg Sankey: "That's right, your honor. Unless you wanna allow them a substitute."
Spurrier: "Oh! Well, uh, Berkstresser can play!"
Pinkel: "Actually, Steve, I believe it's up to us to pick our substitute."
Spurrier: "Fine. Who do you want?"
Pinkel: "We'll take Drew Lock."
And so it came to be. The Usurper claimed the throne.
1. Locktoberfest is upon us at last. What kind of numbers are you expecting Mizzou's young signal-caller to put up, and will they be impressive enough to solidify him as the full-time starter?
The Beef - I am expecting Lock to throw 2 TD’s and 2 INT’s, around 200 yards in the air. I think Hansbrough being healthy(er) and the OL maybe figuring it out a little better after Crawford left last week (as well as Boehm being healthy(er) will also help and may get lost in the talk about how Lock helped turn around (somewhat) the offense.
BillSelfsToupee - 29/30 - 427 yards - 6 TD's passing, 2 TD's rushing - Thousands of panties dropped.
Jack Peglow - On the podcast (subscribe on iTunes today!) I called 43-45 for 500-some yards and three touchdowns. I feel like that's the kind of conservative game we'll see from Lock. Lot's of short passes, South Carolina isn't going to let him connect on the deep ball. Maybe a few rushing tuddy's for good measure.
Sam Snelling - If the offense scores more than one touchdown, the job is his.
Chris L. Turner - Lock goes 17/28, 285 yards, 2 TDs, and 1 INT. He'll make a very solid case for the starting job.
Fullback University - I'd say 15/25, 230 yards 2 TDs vs 1 INT, 2 sacks but also 15 yards rushing. Yes.
HHKB Chris - 25 for 30 for 299 yards with 2 TDs, 1 INT and Mauk steals the Helmet Car and two golden girls as he begins his tour of the country for a school to transfer to.
jaeger - I'd expect somewhere in the neighborhood of 175-200 passing yards, 62-64% completion, 1-2 TD, 1-2 INT. Under normal circumstances, that'd be underwhelming and not enough to claim a permanent starting gig, but...yeah. The bar is pretty low here. If the line skews in favor of INTs over TDs, Maty may get his job back, unless the other numbers (or just the general offensive performance) are radically higher.
switzy227 - He'll throw for around 250. A couple TD's. Probably an INT or two. Completion percentage will be better than Mauk's. It'll be enough to earn him the job in the eyes of the public. I won't speak for GP, though.
AlaTiger - 225 yards, 60% completion rate, TD or two, an INT. So much of this is dependent on items beyond his control aka the play of every other offensive player. The eternal optimist in me says that Boehm and Hansbrough are healthier, which will help ease the pressure. Now if the receivers will just get open and catch the ball, that would be great. If he actually puts up those numbers, he'll continue to start.
Adam Cribbs - He's gonna throw for around 250 yards, 60% completion, a TD and two picks. I think one pick comes early, the touchdown is timely, and the other pick is a result of him getting a little "too" comfortable.
2. If Kentrell Brothers isn't at 100%, someone else might have a shot at leading the team in tackles this week! Which player takes home the top spot this week, and how many tackles will they record?
Beef - Gotta be Scherer and gotta be 16.
BST - If its not Scherer is your man crush officially over Peglow? (Editor's note: I'll never be over you, Michael)
Peglow - If Brothers is anywhere above 70% healthy, he's going to hold on to his streak. If not, it has to be Scherer. If only because I made this GIF last year and I would like to start using it again.
Snelling - Kentrell Brothers: 12 tackles, Scherer: 6.
Turner - Schrer is the easy pick for leading tackler, so I'll go with that. But I wouldn't be surprised if Clarence Green or Donavin Newsom took the top spot.
Fullback - Clarence Green would get the nod at the WLB in Kentrell Brothers absence and I could see him having a solid game so he's certainly a strong candidate to lead the team in tackles if the scheme doesn't change too much.
HHKB - Donavin Newsom has 13 tackles and just to prove a point, tackles Scherer for good measure. Then he steals the fire truck and two golden girls and sprays the fans who think 60 degrees is warm weather...some people are nuts.
jaeger - 60% chance it's Scherer, 25% chance it's Newsom, 15% chance it's Harris. I predict whoever is the next leading tackler will have threeve tackles.
switzy227 - If it ain't Kentrell, it's Newsom with 13.
AlaTiger - Scherer with 10, followed by Newsom with 9 and Green with 8.
Cribbs - Gotta be Scherer with around eight tackles.
3. The "rivalry trophy" for this game is terrible. Let's make a new one. What is it, and what will it be called?
Beef - The Sleeping Polaris Trophy (which came back when I googled "Columbia")
BST - The Columbia Cannon. A legit cannon that the loser mascot is shot out of at halftime of the following years game.
Peglow - "The Battle for Columbia" - the trophy is a Columbia fleece that's half gold, half garnet. Winning coach has to wear it on-field during the next season's contest, regardless of game-time temperature.
Snelling - I've got two solid ideas: 1.) The "SHAME" trophy, that's just a gold plated state of Kentucky. 2.) The "SHAMEFUL" Trophy, which is a wooden Niña, Pinta & Santa Maria being straddled and smashed by a big Native American warrior who's pissed about so many places still being named for that asshole Columbus.
Turner - Screw a trophy. Let's have Pinkel and OBC play for a suped-up golf cart. "The Columbia Cart"
Fullback - A set of Steve Spurrier's golf clubs.Fullback - A set of Steve Spurrier's golf clubs.
HHKB - Scientists at both schools get a tiger and a rooster to breed, whatever comes of that (before it can sneak into an air duct and begin it's breeding and eventual murderous rampage because duh) is dipped in liquid bronze and chrome and slammed on top of some piece of wood. Loser gets it every year where it will be watched 24 hrs a day just in case the monster therein gets loose (because you know it will, again, duh) and it's called the "Tigooster Trophy" presented by Taco Bell.
jaeger - I'm a big fan of the Telephone Trophy and other such "random office supplies" trophies, so I'm going with the "Outdated Laser Printer Trophy."
switzy227 - It should be the world's largest half-Shakespeare's/half-CoSC Shakespeare's equivalent cup. And it should be filled with the finest non-alcoholic beverage that will agree to sponsor the trophy.
AlaTiger - The microbrew sampler pack. If SC wins, they get several mixed cases of the finest microbrews Missouri has to offer. If Mizzou wins, several mixed cases of the finest microbrews from SC. Mmm, mmm, mmm. All the Thomas Creek and Westbook brews.
Cribbs - A visor, right? I mean, that seems way, way too obvious to me.
Everyone got one point! Um, yeah. LEADERBOARD:
|Mastheader||Straight Up||Against the Spread||Over/Under|
|BillSelfsToupee||South Carolina||South Carolina||Under|
|Jack Peglow||Missouri||South Carolina||Under|
|Chris L. Turner||Missouri||Missouri||Under|
Time to get on board, folks. The #DrewLock4Heisman2015 train departs the station tomorrow. CHOO CHOO.