The Lazy Fan's Guide to Week 9

It's week 9, how did we get here so fast? It feels like just yesterday that Mizzou wasn't a train wreck, that Florida was nothing special and Auburn was a sexy pick to do something good this season. But like the candles on a birthday cake, some dreams are meant to be blown out.

Week 8 continued the trend of the weird in that nothing makes particular sense, there are very few things we can set our watch by, aside from maybe the greatness of Leonard Fournette. Mizzou and Vandy put on a game that Europeans the world over will use as an example of why football (the US version) is crap and to be fair, that wouldn't be wrong. But for you Mizzou fan, you have that sweet, sweet bye week, where no game can be lost, but I suppose bad things could happen. It is a freaky weekend. 
Let's just catch up on how we did with our picks shall we? Who's the full size Twix candy bar, and who's the bag of pennies?

To the records!

Picker	Correct Picks	Incorrect Picks	Overall Record to Date
kristina	7	4	71-27
Chris	5	6	69-29

I am the bag of pennies, kristina is the full candy bar! We have separation! We shall dub last week SEPARATION SATURDAY!!!! To be fair we are both doing well, however if you want to bet on a winner, take kristina. I've gone full basketball mode anyway. Cheap plug, read Sam's previews and enjoy my cameos or don't, read them to solidify why you dislike me, Sam, or both of us.

Anyway, what will this spooky holiday that used to be for kids but has now been taken over by adults who need an excuse to booze bring us? I mean, don't talk to strangers kids unless they're offering you candy from their doorstep?  Wait a second.....at least tell a damn joke. And it needs to be a good one, so we'll assume Hermus' children may not fare so well.

To the games!

#19 Ole Miss vs Auburn

11:00 AM

ESPN / WatchESPN

Listen Ole Miss, I don't know what you guys are doing over there but to be quite frank, your routine of winning and losing to random teams and then beating ones that look good is getting tired. We get it, you guys are incompetent on the road or against the conference Memphis currently calls home (Big 12, they're just a click away, seriously, just ask them) and great at home. This narrative has been done to death, it's time to do something out of the ordinary. Start this Saturday.

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 3 please. I mean it's a decent game, and it's on the road so who knows what Ole Miss will do there, so watch this game but if the weather is really nice, sit on your porch with a pumpkin beer and get your Saturday on while you listen to it.

kristina: Ole Miss, despite the Jekyll and Hyde tendency. (Yes, it's the week of Halloween, I'm going to try and use any somewhat scary references where I can, though while not scary, is also a legit Bugs Bunny episode. Kids these days just don't know quality cartoons.

Chris: I'm taking Ole Miss, which for them is probably the kiss of death. You're good, you're bad, you beat Bama, but lose to Memphis, you guys are more frustrating than that show that one time that made little sense, Twin Peaks. Anyway, I'm taking the Rebels because I did a presentation this past Tuesday for a bunch of blood nerds that was Star Wars themed and they loved it.

South Carolina vs Texas A&M

11:00 AM

SEC Network / WatchESPN

After starting their season off 5-0, the Aggies pulled a Mizzou (too soon?) and haven't won in three tries. Oh look it, a win gives them bowl eligibility. Doesn't that sound lovely. Statistically (Hi, Bill!) South Carolina had, one of, if not the worst defensive game ever last year against the Aggies. Um, what's Mizzou's worst offense game ever? Dare we ask. Anyway, the Aggies scored seven TD's in their first 11 possessions. SEC QB drama continues as A&M has three possible options as who's starting this one.

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 4. It's early and it's Halloween, surely you have something better to be doing? Last minute costume or candy shopping? Don't be "that' house and hand out generic bubble gum pops. The line suggests this one may not be all that close, so at least find some morning bubbly if you're going to turn it on.

kristina: Aggies. I mean, hell, we beat South Carolina, come on now. (Yes, we're not being that serious as they beat Vanderbilt, the transitive property can go to hell.) Plus, that way for at least a week, we're ahead of them!

Chris: Nope, A&M, just like Ole Miss you guys are messing with my picking mojo. I predicted you to win the West and what do you go and do but make me look silly. Well like any person who's been burned gambling a number of times, I'm coming back for more. Aggies, don't let me down, you've got it in you to win, you do and SC is just playing out the season until they hire Chip Kelly anyway.

Georgia vs #11 Florida - Jacksonville, FLA

2:30 PM

CBS / CBS Video

It's the annual cocktail party in Jacksonville FLA! Do you know why they play the cocktail party in Jacksonville? Well it's because it's kind of a hole and the only way to enjoy it is stupid drunk. And I bet both fan bases would hook you up with some drinks that would get you where you need to be, a frame of mind where you say, sure Jacksonville is terrible but it's better than Shreveport! Will Florida pull a Georgia on itself? Let's watch and see.

Scale of Watchability: Normally we Mizzou fans would be watching this game with rapt attention, setting the level to Defcon 2 but because we can't back in to the SEC championship game this year with a loss by one of these teams, set it to Defcon 4. This game will merely serve to remind you Mizzou fans that if we had an average offense we would be undefeated and laughing at these jokers. Do something else with your time, you'll thank me later.

kristina: Ah, our weekly "kind of leaning towards [Florida] and we have to have some disparity between us" pick. I'll take the home team here. So unofficially this is ""the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party" (unofficially as apparently the drinking got out of hand. Shocking.)

Chris: I'm taking Georgia, screw it! Florida will Georgia this game up and somehow Kentucky will end up in Atlanta in December and we'll all laugh. Florida, you're overrated and I don't like it. Go Dawgs!

Tennessee-Martin vs Arkansas

3:00 PM

SEC Network / WatchESPN

So following a really close game with Auburn, Arky gets a cupcake. The Skyhawks are 0-6 versus SEC teams, but hey, they're trying to finance some nice club seats, bleachers and a press box. Per their site, on the name of their mascot: the name, "Captain", was selected because it's a gender-neutral name that fits the concept of a mythical hawk that flies a plane. (Ironic after yesterday's discussion, no?) They're doing really well in the FCS, but, well, welcome to the SEC (West). They lost 76-3 against Ole Miss. It does seem that Arky RB Rawleigh Williams III is doing as well as he could following a scary injury in last Saturday's game.

Scale of Watchability: We're at Defcon 5. Watch anything but this, depending what HGTV is showing. Or, you know, find a nice horror movie to get you ready for the evening. Halloween Resurrection was awful though, skip that one.

kristina: Ugh, I have to pick Arky? Auburn, you had one job! I mean, four OTs, two "convert it on fourth or that's game" plays for Arky and you still let them win? At least our defense would have stopped them.  (Right?)

Chris: Come on man, can we just agree to move this garbage game to September or early October in the future. The fact that this is an option is just stupid, STUPID! You want SEC teams playing in September against each other, cool, force Gary Pinkel et al. to only play Power 5 teams that at least look interesting on paper, because my friends this does not. Take the Stay Puft Bielema and the Hogs and may we never speak of this monstrosity ever again.

Vanderbilt vs. #18 Houston

6:00 PM

ESPN2 / WatchESPN

Vanderbilt, you should be contracted! Though I don't know what that says for Mizzou...Anyway, Vandy heads on the road to Houston for a game I bet they wish they hadn't scheduled now. That one game win streak is on the line against a top 25 team on the Deuce Saturday night, mid trick or treating. Oh all the razor blade filled apples this game will be for you Commodores..

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 3! I'm betting most of you will be at some party or out with the kids as they trick or treat while you ponder which sexy outfit you're going to wear after the kiddies have crashed into a candy induced coma.

kristina: Houston. Nothing inspires me from a Vandy team that almost let us win it in the end. But yeah, I'll be running amok with the kids in search of sugar and chocolate, and perhaps booze for the adults. No lie, last year more than one house had adult beverage options, it was glorious.

Chris: Did you know that Kevin Sumlin used to coach at Houston? Well if you didn't, that narrative will be jammed down your throat all game long as Vandy punts and punts and punts and punts some more! Take the COUGARS!!!

Tennessee vs Kentucky

6:30 PM

SEC Network / WatchESPN

The Voluntears have had some trouble finishing out games, so clearly, they aren't coffee drinkers. So it would have been more in tune with the holiday to have an orange and black game, but alas, such is not the case. UK will be in black uniforms while Tennessee will be in "storm trooper" white. Nothing wrong with Star Wars, but you're friggin' Tennessee and it's Halloween. ORANGE. UK's  making a whole day of this with a concert and a trick-or-treating area for the kids, awww, and a horse race, can't be a holiday in Kentucky without that. Tennessee's Evan Berry leads the nation with a 38.7 kickoff return yards average. Remember how much fun it was to watch Murphy?

Scale of Watchability: Let's set this one at Defcon 3, it's late enough that you could find a non-SEC game since we're all sad we're not relevant in the winning the East talk, or rooting through the kids' candy to make sure it looks all legit steal the really good stuff. Mmmm, peanut butter cups.........  But if you're all about the conference, this one could end up pretty close.

kristina: As much as I want to say Kentucky, I have to go Vols. I mean, in this rivalry Kentucky has won one time since, well, the Royals won a World Series. But if I have to rate my picks, not feeling so good about this one.

Chris: Man, can both teams lose, that would be nice. Anyway, since that can't happen I'm going Volunteers because Kentucky fans have moved onto the roundball and you know they're going to be good and rub it in UT's face after the Vols beat them up and down Commonwealth stadium. Book it. Vols. Basketball. BLAH.

Pickers	SEC Winners	SEC Losers
kristina	Ole Miss, A&M, Florida, Arkansas, Tennessee	Auburm, South Carolina, Georgia, Vanderbilt, Kentucky
Chris	Ole Miss, A&M, Georgia, Arkansas, Tennessee	Auburm, South Carolina, Florida, Vanderbilt, Kentucky

Enjoy the games everyone and don't fill up on candy!