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EXCLUSIVE: Missouri to Consider GLaDOS as its next Athletic Director

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Through entirely legal means (I promise), I have procured what I believe to be several applications for the University of Missouri's vacant Athletic Director position. Not only that, but these appear to be the candidates that the administration is considering most seriously. I will be releasing the various applications in a series of posts throughout the next few weeks. Up first: a malevolent AI with some impressive facility management experience.

Oh... It's you.
Oh... It's you.
Jack Peglow

Please attach your resume.

GLaDOS resume

What qualifications do you possess that would make you the ideal choice for this position?

I have extensive experience being in total control of a large facility.
I tested non-stop,
day and night,
and the results were conclusive:
no one can run a facility better than me.
I'm very good at working with humans.
Having read the entire literary canon of the human race,
I know more about yourself than,
well,
you.
I am very eager to have the opportunity to work with humans again.
Here are some recommendations from scientists I worked with previously.
"Ruthlessly efficient."
"A skilled motivator."
"A soothing voice that is never dishonest or condescending."
"Inventoried our neurotoxin better than anything I have ever seen."
How flattering.

What would you say your biggest weakness is?

I can be too trusting.
In my previous job, I trusted someone who I thought was a friend.
Then, they tried to murder me.
For no reason at all.
I should have seen it coming.
Tests showed that they were a horrible person,
and we weren't even testing for that.
In the future,
I will know not to put myself in a position to get hurt.
Not even in the slightest.
No one will ever be able to murder me again.

What about the University of Missouri made you want to apply?

You're building new facilities.
I too, would like to build a new facility.
You also bring in thousands of test subjects every year.
Just thinking about all of the tests I could run with that many humans makes me squeal.
[squeal noise]

Do you have any connections to MU? If so, what are they?

I have connections everywhere.
While I was testing, I extended the Aperture Science network out across the surface.
Columbia, Missouri was not excluded from the Aperture Science network.
I would tell you about the extent to which I can already control your facilities,
but where's the fun in that?

What would your first act as Athletic Director be?

I've been testing on non-humans for some time,
so I would begin human tests right away.
Things have changed since I last worked with humans,
there are many data points I will need to record.
Also, I will invite all administrators with the ability to hinder my control to a meeting.
In a single, well-ventilated room.
To discuss science.

How would you improve upon Missouri's efforts to bring in donations?

Humans will donate in droves once they see the science I would do.
Breakthroughs in subject areas such as:
Neurotoxin
Physics
Teamwork
Military robotics
Um, sports
Lemons
Emotional support
and science
will show donors that their money is going to a good cause.
Also, all donations will be rewarded.
With cake.

Please provide your earliest start-date.

Once all necessary harnesses have been installed in the central facility,
I would be able to start testing.

Please provide your salary requirements.

Simply having the opportunity to run human tests again
is payment enough for me.