EXCLUSIVE: Missouri to consider Frank Underwood as its next Athletic Director

Please attach your resume:

What qualifications do you possess that would make you the ideal choice for this position?

After twenty-two years in Congress and a necessarily vague amount of time on Capitol Hill [no one likes a spoil-sport], I've spent far more time in positions of power than any other candidate that you're considering. Yes, I know who's on your list. What kind of fool would I be if I applied for a university position without doing my homework? Don't waste a breath of this fine Missouri air wondering how I came upon your candidate pool; just know that it leaves you with only one option: me. The man who is not only the most qualified, but could also bring down your little department before he finished his first cup coffee. One little signature is all it would require. Holding the highest office in the land does have its perks.

What would you say your biggest weakness is?

I've been let down in the past by members of my staff that I put too much trust in. I just can't seem to help myself, I see them working so hard and I can't keep from rewarding them with more responsibility. More often than not, I'm left with the short end of the stick. But I can assure you of one thing: I learn from my mistakes. I know that I can't do everything myself, no matter how badly I want to. I also know that trust is not the most effective means of incentivizing action. We had a saying back at Gaffney: "If you want something done right, don't do it yourself. Find someone else, and give them a better reason to get it done than what you have."

What about the University of Missouri made you want to apply?

The state of Missouri – with its annoyingly virulent swinging opinions – has long been a thorn in my side, but it has itself a fine university here in Columbia. Increasingly large student body with supple minds to be shaped, high donation levels; hell, it's a modern Garden of Eden. Or at least it has one nearby.

Do you have any connections to MU? If so, what are they?

Come now, you mustn't be this slow to fully comprehend this situation. I have connections everywhere, that's how the political machine *works.* Any campaigner worth their weight in salt knows to make some friends in the Show Me State's high places. Now, it's the listing of those friends that I've made that gives me a moment of pause. I would instead ask you what you mean to gain by obtaining this information? Don't tell me that someone on this board has their sights set on an extended stay in Washington? Oh no, I've let the cat out of the bag, haven't I? Which of you is it? Will one person admit to it, or will you all sit around the table in silence? How painful it must be to know that for someone there, this position isn't good enough.

What would your first act as Athletic Director be?

We've got to get butts in those seats. Mizzou just had it's lowest basketball attendance numbers in a long, long while, and it was embarrassing. As Athletic Director, I promise to improve upon that immediately. I would institute an expansive, bipartisan program that would incentivize attendance. It's a little something I like to call Make Mizzou. We're all aware of the silly "Mizzou Made" slogan. Currently, it's just an empty phrase. I would put it to work. You want more players to brag about? You want to champion the fact that a someone in the NBA is "Mizzou Made?" Then you get to the arena and you MAKE them.

How would you improve upon Missouri's efforts to bring in donations?

Using the "Make Mizzou" program, we would be able to institute a far-reaching public relations campaign to encourage donations that would help fulfill the campaign's mission. You needn't fret about my ability to garner donations; I win elections for a living, remember?

Please provide your earliest start-date.

As soon as my current term is over, I'll join your staff. No need to run for reelection with a more stable option available.

Please provide your salary requirements.

Power. Money is the McMansion is Sarasota that starts falling apart after 10 years. Power is the old stone building that stands for centuries. I cannot respect someone who doesn't know the difference.