Mizzou fans have a sort of reputation among the SEC as the whiny, complaining stepchild that just wants to be loved as much as their siblings. Sure, when you come visit us at our place we're plenty friendly (almost too friendly) but when the polls start coming out, here come the cries of disrespect and southern bias.
Well, after four long years with our new conference bros, it's time we put in writing the reasons we don't care much for them either. When these guys come to Columbia, I'm sure our fans will still let them join our tailgates, point them to CJ's and Booche's for a nice weekend lunch, or even share a drink at the Piano Bar at midnight after the game. But I think it's time we shed the label of "too nice" and get the sports hate really flowing here. Let's just go alphabetically, that way nobody gets the impression we think too highly of them.
Thank you, alphabet, for putting the Tide at first on this list because it's going to be REAL easy to find something to hate about Big Al. That said, let's dig a little bit deeper than the houndstooth fedora-wearing, calf tattoo-having, false championship-claiming stereotypes we've all come to know and love.
While they may claim more national titles than they've actually won, Alabama is a fantastic program. They sign the recruits they want to fill the system that Saban (a better coach than Bear Bryant in my honest opinion) has set in place for the Crimson Tide program. Yes, they sign recruits straight out of other schools' backyards just because they can get what they want. They are the guy at the wedding reception that KNOWS how good-looking he is, so he makes his way around to all the single bridesmaids to brag about his awesome job as a Maui Jim rep (that somehow pays WAY more than your job) until he eventually finds the girl you've been wanting to talk to all night and takes her home just to spite you. Hale Hentges, Mizzou fans are looking at you.
Aside from the fact that the order of this list is taking us into the lyrics of an Edward Sharp song, it only makes logical sense for the wonderful alphabet to take us from Alabama fans directly into the world of Woo. Pig. Sooie. Mizzou fans have spent over a century dealing with "rock chalk" as a chant that is somehow considered a way to cheer on a sports team, but now they have to hear a bunch of grown-ass people squeal like hogs to a bunch of imaginary swine.
I went to a game at Bud Walton a couple of years ago and while the fans were surprisingly nice to me, I could not help but feel incredibly uncomfortable by the man in his senior years that claimed to be a retired judge that would look me in the eyes every single time he would let out a falsetto "wooooooOOOOOOOOOOO". No, it wasn't "eerie" or whatever. It was weird as hell. But not as weird as THIS.
I made sure to get the up close version for you guys.
Ok, I must admit before we get started... War Eagle is a pretty badass chant. I have no idea where it came from, nor do I care because it's one of those things that needs no explanation. It's taking two kickass American words and putting them together because that's what makes this country great. As Mizzou fans, let's start saying "Freedom Pie" or "Bomb Flag" or something.
But aside from their chant, there's not a whole lot I enjoy about Auburn University. Maybe it's because of that time they greased the railroad tracks when Georgia Tech was coming into town so the train carrying the team would slide all the way into Loachapoka. Dick move, you guys. They even hold a parade to commemorate the event! What a bunch of buttholes!
I'm gonna skip the whole "jorts" routine because yeah yeah yeah we know. I'm more fascinated by the cult that was formed when their quarterback came like a thief in the night and brought salvation to all of the panhandle state. It's weird, y'all. Real, real weird.
I'll be totally honest with you, I had a hard time thinking of things to say about Georgia here. They just remind me so much of Mizzou fans that I feel almost guilty for mocking them for something, so I'll just point out a similarity between our fanbases that I don't much care for. STOP TRYING TO GET YOUR COACH FIRED YOU GUYS ARE GOOD AND YOU'LL REGRET LOSING HIM WHEN HE'S GONE.
I went to the UK/Bama game in Lexington a couple of years ago and I have this to say about Kentucky: their campus smells like straight bourbon on gamedays, their stadium kinda feels like it could tip over at any given moment, and I have NEVER EVER seen a group of fans enjoy getting their asses kicked as much as Wildcat fans did that day. I mean, they were beside themselves with joy. Bama scored touchdown after touchdown and literally nothing dampened the spirits of the blue and white. They still did their C-A-T-S CATSCATSCATS chant any chance they got (even once after a UK turnover), they lost their freaking minds when they got a first down, and they talked so much shit to the Bama fan I was with you'd have thought it was a blowout going the other way. It truly was incredible and actually made for a pretty decent gameday experience.
Yeah, I picked the low-hanging fruit, but only because WHAT AN AWESOME THING TO BE KNOWN FOR. You have one of the best gameday environments in the country, a rich history with tons of wins and national championships, a batshit crazy coach that eats the turf you play on... and people want to talk about how your fans smell like damn corndogs. I'm not even mad, LSU, I can't hate on you for that.
Congrats, Mississippi State, for being in by far the most boring town in all of the SEC. You are the Ames, Iowa of the south. You gave Ole Miss a reason to mock you. You have by far the most generic uniforms in the country. Cowbells are Satan's choice of noisemaker. You even found a way to slide some curse words into your warmups. Way to go, guys.
How much time do we have? I promise to keep things civil here, guys. I know when the readers from RCR come over and see this post, I will probably have invited a shitstorm into our comments section so I'd like to apologize in advance to all RMN readers.
Ole Miss fans represent everything I hate about the SEC (which isn't much because I love our new conference), they pretend like there's some sort of arbitrary pride to be had in being from the deep south and that Missouri doesn't deserve to be graced with the Rebels' presence because we're too Midwestern.
They also like to act like their football tradition is light years ahead, even though their all time winning percentage is .561 to our .552. They claimed the 1960 national title, although it clearly belonged to Minnesota and probably should have gone to Mizzou, but we don't need to talk about that too much longer. They also produced Marshall Henderson, which may have just been one big joke to the rest of college sports, so kudos.
But I will give you this, Ole Miss. You introduced me to the world of satire. I lived in a world void of humor, laughter was absent my entire life until you brought along the joy of sarcasm with your wonderful hate threads. Ever since you opened my eyes to satirical humor, I have found myself. I can laugh again. My life has meaning. Thank you, Rebels.
Oh, and The Grove is overrated.
Sandstorm is cool. HBC is cool. This guy however is not cool. Not cool at all. Have fun getting trucked by Maty, bro.
Skai Moore says he's looking forward to hitting Maty Mauk, "When we play Missouri we'll have a little something for him." #SECMD15— Joe Whelan (@WhelanABC3340) July 14, 2015
Mauk told that Skia Moore said he wants to hit him in this year's game. "If he can catch me, yeah."— Dave Matter (@Dave_Matter) July 15, 2015
Tennessee, when I say this it is not a compliment, ok? You are the Nebraska of the SEC. I'll leave that to you guys to figure out.
Ah, old friends. We go way back. We've been playing each other for more than two decades now and you still are as creepy as the day we met. From your whoops to your hissing to your midnight cult rituals, I hope you guys never change. Mainly because we've owned you this past decade. One year of Johnny Football don't change that, Ags.
I won't pile on. You'll probably be my boss someday. Sorry, guys. :(