Before we get to the rankings, take a quick moment to watch this video recap of the SEC's big weekend.
Sweet. Now that we're all caught up on the action, let's rank some teams.
1. Alabama Crimson Tide - Derrick Henry's turbo gauge will surely run out soon, right? He can't have much left in the tank. Unless Lane Kiffin knows the button combo that unlocks unlimited turbo and oh god he definitely spent all night swigging Mountain Dew and figuring that out, didn't he?
2. Georgia Bulldogs - Honestly, I think the most impressive aspect of their win over Vandy was the fact that Nick Chubb ran for 189 yards and didn't score a touchdown. What was he doing, running up to the end zone and taking a knee? That's sportsmanship right there, folks.
3. Ole Miss Rebels - Looks like the Rebels' transformation into a basketball team is going well so far.
4. Texas A&M Aggies - The debut of the Aggies' new 102,000+ seat stadium went swimmingly. In a neat, opening-game promotion, the first 70,000 fans that entered the game were given the opportunity to log a reception against Ball State.
5. LSU Tigers - I don't care how ugly it looks; when you win a game and then lose it and then win it again in only four quarters, I'm going to be impressed.
6. Missouri Tigers - All of the SEC's Tigers squeaked out close wins over the past weekend. LSU survived a late surge from MSU, and both Mizzou and Auburn staved off upset bids in 27-20 wins over non-Power Five schools. The difference between Mizzou and Auburn? Missouri was able to handle Arkansas State - a much stronger team than Jacksonville State - in regulation.
7. Auburn Tigers - Auburn needed to follow Missouri's lead. If you're going to get a scare from a non-Power Five university, do so in regulation and make sure the game is only broadcast on WatchESPN.
8. Florida Gators - So help him, Jim McElwain will send you to bed without dessert if you keep up your damn whining.
9. Kentucky Wildcats - Stanley Williams really lowered the Boom on the Gamecocks. It took quite a Towles on their defense.
10. Mississippi St. Bulldogs - Never get involved in a land war with Les Miles.
11. Tennessee Volunteers - You're going to need to learn how to upset Oklahoma at home if you ever want to challenge Mizzou for the East, Vols.
12. South Carolina Gamecocks - You deserve so much better, Pharoh Cooper.
13. Arkansas Razorbacks - ARKY NO.
14. Vanderbilt Commodores - RT @JackPeglow: "Vandy's going to lose a lot of games like this throughout the season. As poorly as Derek Mason has done so far in Nashville, he hasn't forgotten how to field a decent defense. He's going to hold teams to roughly 25-28 points, he just won't be able to put more than 17 on the board himself"
As always, these rankings are unarguably correct, and any comments to the contrary will be flagged, reported as spam, and shot off into space.