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The Lazy Fan's Guide to Week 3

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Week 3 is upon us and what is going on in the SEC West?!

Matt Bush-USA TODAY Sports

Wow, what a week 2! SEC play began and we had upsets all over the place. The narrative that "THE SEC IS BACK PAWWWWWWWWL" got going full throttle after week 1, so what did the SEC do in week 2,  well it pumped the brakes on that faster than you can say Tebow.

What's week 3 have in store? More top 25 matchups between SEC schools, more chances for non conference victory and more chances for more disappointment. We've also added a "Scale of Watcheability" to give you an idea of the level of importance this game should have in your life, think about the Defcon level indicator from War Games. The more serious the game (SEC DEFCON 1: MUST WATCH, F THE ANNIVERSARY, GET YOUR OWN DAMN REFILL) to the least serious (SEC DEFCON 5: Oh, Vandy plays today? That's nice...there must be laundry to put away somewhere). 
We're also going to check in on how we're doing picks wise and damn if we're not good!

Chris and kristina's records to date:

Picker Correct Picks Incorrect Picks Overall
kristina 22 3 22-3
Chris 23 2 23-2

just couldn't let go of that Big 12 hate to pick OU last week and that is why she is one game behind. I hate everyone in the Big 12 and SEC equally, so good for my irrational hatred of everything non-Mizzou! Check back here weekly to see how we're doing and how we should be featured on pick 'em shows and making tons of money gambling.

Put it all on red!!  To be fair, though, someone owes me (kristina) a really nice Norton, as the 2007 game caused me to go through one entirely too fast, you must savor wine!!   Now, sure, when we upset them that was fun, but just not the same and I was sick.  This "I must be sick" to enjoy victories is getting a little old, but we won't speak of a certain baseball game that ended that way....

To the Week 3 schedule and snark!

UConn at #22 Mizzou 11:00 am ESPN / WatchESPN

It's family/parents' weekend at the 'Zou for the first meetup between these two. UConn? Oriakhi? Remember when basketball was fun? Luckily for half our fans wearing black (do not screw up the Tiger stripes!), the weather is far better than with SEMO.  Early start time, so get your pregaming routines started before the sun rises. Drink every time some overly nervous Mizzou fan mentions the word "trap game." Look on the bright side, we win early and can sit back and relax/enjoy watching whatever other SEC teams want to self destruct. Good time to guess who prevails in our running game?

Scale of Watcheability: This sits at a SEC DEFCON 3. For the lazy fan, you should have it on, check in and out as you're grilling and tailgating but unless you're a fan or at the game, it's not paramount to disrupt your day.  But remember kids, early morning games are a great time to bust out the bubbly.  You can't drink all day if you don't start first thing.

kristina: I'm not attending this one, I know, booo!! but not sure my Mizzou polo is gold enough.  Come on, Mizzou store, this should not be that hard.   I will also be watching the second half of this contest at a kiddo soccer game, so karma indicates both of mine will score and I will completely miss a Mizzou touchdown their first goals.

HHKB Chris: It's Tiger Stripe week! Which means you either wear black or gold dependent upon your section of Faurot field, hopefully you own black or gold clothing. This reminds me of Fruit Stripe gum and Aquafresh toothpaste, things I really wanted to like as a kid but never got into. Well Gary, I'm sold, sign me up! Take Mizzou and their stout D and know that UConn fans are the worst, try not to be around them.

Nevada at #17 Texas A&M 11:00 am SEC Network / WatchESPN

A&M is looking hot and they are requesting a fly by ghost rider. They are pummeling people and all the while Texas just down the road is completely falling apart. Man it's a great time to be an Aggie! The Wolf Pack come to town after a serious whooping at the hands of Arizona and their coach was fined 10K for going all unsportsmanlike during the game. Sounds like someone needs a hug...

Scale of Watcheability: SEC DEFCON 4.  Most likely not a close affair and with the early start time, plenty of other options to spend your time.  AHEM, watching Mizzou of course.  Later start-time fans should be enjoying some bbq and bean bag toss.  Don't know what to fix?  We have you covered.

Kristina: Aggies.  Polian said he apologized for his outburst but not for his passion for the game.  Hey, it's the CFB equivalent of Stubble!   (Stubble would take him though, no contest)

HHKB Chris: Kyle Field really let itself go in the offseason, gaining 20,000 in seats and filled out it's waistline...someone call The Biggest Loser! I've been to College Station and there truly is nothing to do there other than go to A&M games and breathe, so the bigger the better I suppose. The Aggies are the pick and watch out if Polian gets upset, you wouldn't like him when he's upset...

#18 Auburn at #13 LSU 2:30 pm CBS / CBS Video

Welp, we were "this" close, guys, to watching one of the worst SEC defeats ever, and even then, it took a horrible punt, overtime, and Jacksonville's QB super-glued to the football to make it not happen. Clearly not the same team that routed LSU last year, lucky for us, that means it should be a closer and more enjoyable game.  Auburn even made Bama's SBN site's SEC meltdown post as a winning team.

Scale of Watcheability: Take us to SEC DEFCON 2! Why is this not DEFCON 1 you ask? Well we all saw what Auburn did to itself last week and, well they exposed themselves. Also, this is an afternoon game in Baton Rouge which I didn't think actually happened. So, be sure to watch this game,but it's not 100% must see TV. I mean, sure ignore the kids but if you've got a wedding or an internment, you can miss this game for those other events.

kristina: Oh Auburn....this is why we can't have nice things! I would have gladly lost another pick to have the upset last week. After watching that debacle, I'll go with LSU.

HHKB Chris: Anyone else think that Will Muschamp is secretly coaching this team? 'Cause they look an awful lot like the Florida teams Coach Boom was in charge of. LSU got a huge road victory last week over State and they look frisky. Barring some sort of weird meltdown, take the Tigers of LSU and grab the popcorn, this could be a bumpy season for Auburn.

Northwestern State at Mississippi State 3:00 pm SEC Network / WatchESPN

Well it appears that Dak is all by himself thinking maybe I should have gone pro instead of signing up for another year of this...Last week Dak did all he could for his team having a huge night passing but it wasn't enough to make his kicker not go wide left and then wide right, poor guy. But at least your own coach didn't ice your own kicker. That's a call back for you Mizzou fans out there. Really this is a game to get State back to good, will the fans and the team get up for this afternoon game against the Southland Demons?

Scale of Watcheability: SEC DEFCON 4.  Another not really expected to be close affair, maybe have it on in the background if you're all about the conference solidarity, or check out Georgia Tech vs. the Irish.

kristina: Cowbell wins.  Beats the team from (frantically looks this up) Natchitoches, LA.  Oh, right, appease my co-contributor, Les Natchitoches. I learned French... for you! Oh, RIP Heath Ledger, I still will watch that movie.   Anyway.....back to the town, I mean, its meat pie has its own wiki page.

HHKB Chris: State's gonna win and win big. I know some people like their uniforms but their pants are a disaster. I mean, a big weirdly colored "M" on the side? Pass. State your pants are ugly and you need to see a tailor about them. Also the giant doggy at the 50 I don't care for that either. Why does no one consult me on these things?! State and may god have mercy on the Demons of Northwestern State.

Austin Peay at Vanderbilt 3:00 pm SEC Network / WatchESPN

Neither team has had much offense to start the season, so either way, we guess someone finally gets the first win. This "should" be an easy victory (finally!) for the Commodores, which you'd hope as they follow up with Ole Miss.  I mean, Austin Peay is 1-25 in its last two seasons, don't screw this up, Vandy! (and yet this game is televised while last week we were all stuck with ESPN 3) First to seven wins?

Scale of Watcheability: If you've got a second switch the big board to SEC DEFCON 5...thanks. Have you read The Martian or Ready Player One? Did you watch Mr. Robot on USA? No, well my friend do that instead of this. Start quilting, or learn to speak Mandarin. This game will not be good and only the truly devout Vandy and Peay fans will fake watch it while longing for anything else.

kristina: Vandy, I guess.  Maybe this is the game Vandy learns it's really okay to score in the odd quarters.  Mason must be really superstitious!

HHKB Chris: I was at the Vandy - UGA game last week and I've never seen what I saw before in my life. 80% of the fans in attendance were Georgia fans. And those fans are angry people who like giving the finger. But what's worse was the Vandy fan in front of me that decided he would essentially sit in my lap. Dude, you can't grow a mustache and you need a haircut! Vandy beats Peay and may we never speak of it again.

South Carolina at #7 Georgia 5:00 pm ESPN / WatchESPN

Ah the Ol Ball Coach lost to UK at home. Think it may be time to call it quits and come back to DC and coach the football team when Gruden is invariably fired mid season. If this were the early 1900s Georgia would be great, no forward passing and just running non stop. UGA has got problems at QB, both dudes look like they don't know what they're doing and meanwhile Nick Chubb is just waiting for you to hand him the damned ball. Do it! South Carolina has got Pharaoh Cooper and well that's nice to have. One team is closer to SEC East glory and another is a step closer to basketball season.

Scale of Watcheability: SEC DEFCON 3.  Not guaranteed to be close, but hey, it's Spurrier and Mizzou fans can watch a little more of UGA as to what to expect, and SC fans can hope for another upset, if not, just shake it off.

kristina: Bulldogs.  Connor Mitch (SC's QB) has definitely had better patches, out with both a separated shoulder and a nasty hip pointer, spending three days in the hospital due to bleeding/infection issues with the latter.  Um, woof. SC couldn't quite pull off the comeback, clearly Spurrier needs more coffee.

HHKB Chris: Hey kid behind me, Uga will be at the game this weekend, no reason to ask your dad, brother or grandfather where he is for another 4 hours. He'll be there, in his house and walking around. NO you can't pet him. Yes you can buy Steve Spurrier a beer though, he likes Mich Ultra. UGA runs all over the Cocks and the countdown clock to golf takes a big swing off the fairway to the green.

Texas Tech at Arkansas 6:00 pm ESPN2 / WatchESPN

While Auburn barely survived, the same fate did not fall upon our SEC brethren to the South. Guess we find out if that was an anomaly of a game, 412 passing yards and not one pass finds the endzone? And Tech comes into town with a slight chip on its shoulders, hoping to avenge a pretty bad loss (49-28) last year. Watch this one if you want and just be really glad you're not an Arky fan as several have this a little too close for comfort. Best Bielema comment out of this one, "just run the punter over." If it's of any note, Red Raider's QB Mahomes didn't play in their last meeting.

Scale of Watcheability: Let's set the board to SEC DEFCON 4! It's not a must watch game, but the possibility of a full scale riot if the Hogs aren't wining in the 3rd quarter could be must see TV. Really though, check out the second half during halftime of the nightcap and give this game some attention for the comedy of it.

kristina: Arky, smh.  I mean, thirty first downs, one punt, and you manage twelve points.  You're doing it wrong!  I'll go Arky since it's a home game but I won't be upset if this is one I miss.  Still amused by the "Pigs in Space" comment, kids these days just don't get the awesomeness that was the Muppet Show. I remain firmly in the "get off my lawn" territory regarding the new one until I watch it.

HHKB Chris: Just remember Arkansas a loss to Toledo was a non conference loss, so really, it's no big deal. You can still TOTALLY get to watch the SEC championship game between two other teams that aren't you. But for Arky fear not, you don't have to play in mean old Little Rock anymore this year, you get to back to Fayettville where apparently things are so different. I've not been to Arkansas, but I imagine the fields are 100 yards plus end zones and fans in the stands, but sure, Little Rock must feel a lot like Toledo OH. Take the Hogs, but hope for the flying Kingsburies because a good Hog roast is always fun.

Western Carolina at Tennessee 6:00 pm ESPNU / WatchESPN

Tennessee, Tennessee, Tennessee...what are you creamsicle clad people doing out there?! You've got OU beat and then you just go and throw it all away? I mean, you do know that game lasts "60 Minutes" right? You have to wait until Randy Rooney comes on before you can celebrate, can't go all crazy just 'cause Morley Safer has shown up. Fun with numbers time, Derek Dooley and Butch Jones have the same record at this time in their UT, that stars shine bright don't they?

Scale of Watcheability:  SEC DEFCON 4.  Shouldn't be close, though guess Auburn taught us crazier stuff can (almost) happen. Guess they get back on track or the wheels really are coming off.

kristina: Oh,Tennessee. A comeback double OT loss at home, not pretty, esp. the worst blown lead "at home" ever.  A Catamount?  Ah yes, the land of "various wild cat" strikes again. Guess if you know Volunteer fans just mention if they should have gone for it on fourth and one and then walk away.

HHKB Chris: Watching the is game in Tennessee was fun, yet no one seemed to care that Tennessee had lost, nor that really anything had happened football wise that day. I don't know what that says about Nashville but you guys clearly need to work on being more SEC. Look for Dobbs and the Vols to come out guns blazing and get up big on the Catamounts...then hold on for dear life if things start getting froggy in the second half. Take the Vols but you know, just be careful.

Florida at Kentucky 6:30 pm SEC Network / WatchESPN

Well, we're sure Kentucky fans would love to relive last year's triple overtime loss?  Okay, maybe not. Florida's LB Anzalone, so far, was listed as ""definitely probably doubtful to out" which, well, is one way to put it. And while there's the video of McElwain's outburst after a poorly chosen gesture from one of his guys, a video of his 94 year old mother berating him sounds far more entertaining. And Florida's punter apparently managed to punt the ball into the crowd last weekend.  This could be fun!

Scale of Watcheability: Mr. Sulu, set us to SEC DEFCON 2. This game could be good, good enough that you order in food and just pop that pizza up on your chest whilst wearing your beer helmet as you shovel that sweet food and drink into your face from the couch. Big game to decide who is going to pretend to be good in the SEC, watch it live, drop the kids in front of a fully charged IPad and settle in.

kristina: Um....this is a toss-up for me, so just to have a little controversy (gasp!) I'll go Florida.  Since HHKB is SEC speed and always has his picks cemented by the time I get to things.  (Lazy fans deserve a lazy writer, no?)  Plus, Kentucky hasn't beaten Florida since most of us were wasting daylight hours with NES systems so........

HHKB Chris: The East goes through the Bluegrass state! Kentucky is for real!!! Yeah, I'm not really buying all that. Kentucky looks ok, and South Carolina looks bad, while Florida hasn't played anyone. This game should tell us a lot about something, but I'm not sure who it means more for...Really I have no idea. I'm gonna take Kentucky I guess and watch as people get way too excited about their season to date.

#15 Ole Miss at #2 Alabama 8:15 pm ESPN / WatchESPN

College Gameday, check. Primetime game of the week, check. This game is Mammoth. Biggest game of the week my friends. Can Ole Miss hang 70 on a third straight opponent? Will Nick Saban cement the West by week 3? It's all here, all these questions and more. It's big. At least until they both play LSU, that'll be big too. But seriously, huge game of the week.

Scale of Watcheability: Lazy fans, we've reached DEFCON 1, which either means this will be a definite must see or an insanely unexpected rout.  Either way, the Mizzou game has been over for hours which means most of us are pretty well buzzed so what does it matter.  Watch and enjoy!  We get to either mock our Rebel friends or AlaTiger gets to have loads of fun come Monday morning, I mean win-win either way for the neutral CFB fan here.

kristina: 'Bama.  Not entirely confident with this one though.  Just hope it's watchable.  Don't make me switch to MLB games on a CFB Saturday, you two.

HHKB Chris: Man, this game looks good! But who has Ole Miss played? No one of note, and Bama beat up on Wisconsin in game one and then slept walked their way through a directional college. Honestly, I have to take Bama because well they're #2 and a #2 is always serious business.  Take Bama and watch the game.

With all that said, here are our picks that will be sure to make you rich and famous:


SEC Winners SEC Losers
kristina Mizzou, A&M, LSU, Mississippi State, Vandy, Georgia, Arky, Tennessee, Florida, Ba South Carolina, Kentucky, Ole Miss
Chris Mizzou, A&M, LSU, Mississippi State, Vandy, Georgia, Arky, Tennessee, Kentucky, Bama South Carolina, Florida, Ole Miss

And that'll do it for week 3!