How quickly things change!
In just one week's time, my SEC standings have been completely reshuffled. Does this signify a paradigm shift in the nation's top football conference? Do we need to reevaluate our perception of a few woe-begotten teams? Am I making too many sweeping assumptions based off one week's performances? The answer - as always - is simple.
1. Ole Miss Rebels - It's perfectly legal to take advantage of a glitch when you're playing to win. Any good competitive video gamer knows this. Ole Miss' crazy double-tip touchdown play may have existed outside of the game's code, but you have to think outside the box to win at the highest level.
2. LSU Tigers - I don't think fans in Baton Rouge are too worried about Leonard Fournette, either.
3. Georgia Bulldogs - Man, it's almost like the Bulldogs are really, really good and the warlocks behind the "Georgia's gonna Georgia" magic might not have enough mana to take them out.
4. Texas A&M Aggies - Aggie stayed looking mighty impressive against Nevada, but they have some added pressure to keep pace next week against Arkansas thanks to Kliff Kingsbury's post-game rant. DON'T LET TEXAS DOWN.
5. Alabama Crimson Tide - Alabama's quarterback woes may have cost them the game, but they're only the tip of the iceberg-sized problem in Tuscaloosa. Why are they even relying on a QB? WHY AIN'T THEY RUNNIN' THE DANG BALL?
6. Mississippi St. Bulldogs - A solid bounce-back performance after a close loss to an LSU team that looks much more impressive one week after the fact.
7. Missouri Tigers - [extremely Patrick Star voice] WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? Afraid to look ugliness in the face!? [picks up the Missouri offense and waves it in front of the crowd] Well, here! LOOK AT IT. [a horrid stench wafts into the audience] It's ugly, isn't it!? [points the rushing stats at the group] You look at it! [the room starts emptying out, terrified patrons streaming out the exits] Look at it! LOOK AT IT! I WANT ALL OF YOU TO LOOK AT IT! [the building collapses amidst terrified screams]
8. Tennessee Volunteers - The difference between Tennessee and Missouri right now is Missouri's elite defense. The Tigers' offense may be putrid, but they at least excel on one side of the ball. I'm not sure the Vols can say that about either phase at the moment.
9. Auburn Tigers - Leonard Fournette ran for 228 yards against Auburn, which is the exact same distance that Will Muschamp is going to make Rudy Ford sprint during practice this week. Seventeen times. Per day. Wearing a weight vest.
10. Florida Gators - Jim McElwain still has a lot of work to do, but he's kept one of two streaks alive and has a very real shot at going two-for-two next week with that defense.
11. Kentucky Wildcats - YOU HAD FLORIDA TEED UP ALL NICE AND PRETTY FOR YOU AND YOU SHANKED IT LEFT INTO THE HAZARD. THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS, WILDCATS.
12. South Carolina Gamecocks - Sure, things are looking real ugly in Columbia, but they could be worse. The Gamecocks' two losses are to SEC teams, at least. Speaking of things being worse...
13. Arkansas Razorbacks - Ass: kicked.
14. Vanderbilt Commodores - They almost doubled their scoring output from the previous two games! Things are looking up! Hopefully they can continue this trend and [looks at schedule] oh. Oh, no. Oh, no no no.
As always, these rankings are 100 percent accurate and any disparaging comments will be flagged, marked as spam, and then expertly rebutted. TRY ME, I DARE YOU.