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The Lazy Fan's Guide to Week 4

It's time for week 4 for our SEC brethren and things apparently the sky is falling in Alabama and Arkansas.

Marvin Gentry-USA TODAY Sports

Alabama is done and it's time to shut down the program in Tuscaloosa after Saturday night's home loss to Ole Miss and focus up on the job Avery Johnson is doing with the basketball team. I kid of course, one loss to Ole Miss at home shouldn't shut down Bama, but the trip to Atlanta looks...complicated. And Arkansas, well your coach is writing checks his ass (and it's considerable) can't cash. Meanwhile in Missouri, the Tigers played some of the ugliest offensive football since last year's Florida game. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

What's on the docket then for this week? Well we don't have the bright and beautiful top 25 match ups we had last week, but we do have games between teams that should answer some questions about where some teams in the East stand, even as they all look up at Georgia. As we did last week we'll rate the games on watchability (or watcheability if you're feeling a little Euro) and give you our picks sure to bring you home more money than a one day fantasy football league with an incredibly annoying advertisements.

Let's see how we're doing to date:

Picker Correct Picks Incorrect Picks Overall
kristina 32 5 32-5
Chris 32 5 32-5

Well we're all tied up! Kristina had faith in Kentucky not to win their game with Florida and I chose to buy into Lexington Magic, which may or may not be a thing. We both got Arkansas wrong, but as we posted last week, watching Kliff Kingsbury go off on Bert was worth it. Ass kickings all around!  This week could separate us as well as who knows where are our heads as it relates to the rest of the SEC east, or even Mizzou...

To the Matchups and the Commentary!

Southern at #7 Georgia 11:00 am SEC Network / WatchESPN

So Georgia looked really strong in their destruction of the fighting Spurriers last week and all of a sudden look like the class of the SEC East. They looked that way before, but now, they really look like it. Barring them Georgia'ing one or two games down the stretch it looks like they're headed to Hotlanta. The real excitement for this game will be to see the Southern University Human Juke Box as the band is known for their halftime performance. It's like drumline but real and with less whiny Nick Cannon. Just learn to read the music kid, don't be such a hot head! Don't you see what your future could hold?! Dr, Lee just wants what's best for you, now make 7-Up.......YOURS!.

Scale of Watchability: Take us to SEC Defcon 4. I mean, the first quarter might be interesting but if you're a casual observer there are plenty of better games to watch. Or you can head out and get some pumpkin beer, in fact, do that. Might I recommend the Dogfish Head Punkin Ale, it's a delight.

kristina: Stay for the halftime show, not the actual game.  UGA.  (Though that tune used in Double Take is really catchy) And Miss Georgia is the QB's girlfriend?  Does this mean Musburger's taking over the announcing?

Chris: Georgia is gonna take Southern behind the woodshed and give it a good old fashioned whooping. If this game is close at halftime, something's very wrong in Athens...Uga should enjoy the Fall so he could have a good day, in fact, watch the Southern band and watch Uga frolic and bark.

UCF at South Carolina 11:00 am ESPNU / WatchESPN

Well, at least one team has a good chance to win this one, right? Carolina coming off a pretty brutal loss at the hands of Georgia and UCF couldn't handle Furman, the latter winning off a long (55 yard) field goal. Hey UConn, kick the ball! Spurrier plans to start his third quarterback in four games, a true freshman!!, to hopefully get things moving on offense and UCF"s QB is still dealing with a hand issue. Also hurting UCF is the loss of their last year All-AAC first team RB who was dismissed, in this week's hour's? edition of "stop doing stuff you shouldn't be, college people!. Though one writer focused on the bringing the kids to the game angle, which is nice. Start 'em young.

Scale of Watchability: This really gets close to DEFCON 5 territory, first to a touchdown might win. Might be close, but it won't be pretty, or entertaining. Not this early in the day. Tidy up the house, allocate your booze for later in the day, or take a nap. Naps are highly underrated, though we're sure Spurrier fits one in now and then.

kristina: I can still see Carolina screwing this up, somehow, but with the QB/RB issues and the fact, well, it's UCF, have to go Gamecocks. Though time Spurrier took up golf or something maybe.

Chris: UCF has looked like hot garbage so far this season going 0-3 and having lost to something called a Furman. So, with that said, barring the Gamecocks getting lost on the way to their urine wall/trough stadium, they should win. But it feels like the Spurrier retirement tour is going to be hitting full swing coming up.

#8 LSU at Syracuse 11:00 am ESPN / WatchESPN

That noise you hear, that pounding? That's Leonard Fournette kicking down the Heisman door announcing his presence with authority. He's here to rip out your defense's soul and dance on their grave. That's all a bit dramatic, but he's the real deal and until someone figures out a way to stop him, well LSU isn't going to pass the ball. In fact watching the Tigers feels like playing with the Raiders in Tecmo Bowl, just hand the ball to Bo and go nuts. The Cuse on the other hand are 3-0 and haven't looked bad doing it. However their mascot is a big giant orange and well that's just silly. Also, Sheldon, THANKS A LOT!

Scale of Watchability: Let's set the big board for SEC Defcon 3, it's a nice game and the best of the morning ones but by no means would you need to schedule your day around this unless you believe that the road test (which LSU has already passed at State) is a big deal. No, I say have it on in the background but if you'd rather watch Watford and Palace play, that'd be an ok use of your time too.

kristina: LSU. Fournette's going to go video-game style once again (why not?!) This is as far north as any SEC team will go this year, bundle up guys!!  Hot cocoa is awesome, well, once you add something to it. Plus, isn't Syracuse more known for basketball anyway? (Actual question to a Syracuse grad/friend/fan, whose response was "I really don't watch the football team.") Supportive alum, isn't she? And you can't hate Les Miles for this.

Chris: LSU is gonna hand the ball off until they can hand it off no more. And the pundits have already started screaming that it's unfair that Lenny F (I bet he would love to be called that) must return to Baton Rouge next year after an excellent 2015. That he should sit out and what have you. I personally don't care, Todd Gurley got hurt but still ended up drafted, though he did have to go to St. Louis, but soon he'll be in LA, which makes me think of this. I don't think that I'd love LA, but whatever. Take the Tigers over the ridiculous Orange people.

Tennessee at Florida 2:30 pm CBS / CBS Video

So Tennessee could break a ten game losing streak versus Florida with a win. But as we saw, the Gators are not fans of giving up their winning streaks. (Silly HHKB) Shockingly, Tenn blew it up against Western Carolina (pad those stats!) last weekend while Florida managed to escape with the victory, again, style points were so last year.  Big plus of course for Florida is having this one in the swamp. What's more fun than Florida going 4-0 and handing Tenn its second loss of the year? (Yes, drinking heavily after we win the SEC fits the bill but let's not get ahead of ourselves) Not so fast, though, Gator fans, our "college kids doing stupid stuff" edition's not over yet.  QB Harris and another player have been suspended, I suppose that's one way to settle a QB controversy?

Scale of Watchability: This one could be interesting, so we'll go DEFCON 2, especially being in the middle of the day, though we'll assume most Mizzou fans are already tailgating and finding even more entertaining ways to spend the afternoon pre-game hours. Somebody wake up BST. Have it on, for if nothing else, voluntears!

kristina: I'm not feeling very inspired here, so I'll go with Florida, you didn't let me down last week, don't start. Somehow the thought (in a few articles) is the winner here is possibly a thought to compete with UGA for the East, so again, time we ruin the party?

Chris: So Florida is having some fun with Tennessee with their seating chart for Saturday, everyone wear blue, get it it's making fun of UT and other schools that have coordinated days for dress. And to which I say, SHUT UP! Coordinated stripes or checkerboards are fun, it's not our fault your colors don't look great together. Just cause you invented Gatorade....Powerade is better!!! Anyway, take Florida in this battle to see who is back on top first of the SEC East and those annoying Missouri Tigers with their spectacular defense and grind it out offense can go back where they deserve, which is not at the top. Stupid narratives. Florida all day.

Louisiana Monroe at #12 Alabama 3:00 pm SEC Network / WatchESPN

Wherever you are, please pour one out for little Louisiana Monroe because they are going to take the full brunt of the rage and burning hell fire that inhabits Nick Saban at this moment. That rage will only build up until game time and like a volcano will spread liquid magma all over the Warhawks who have already been dismantled by Georgia this season. It's gonna be ugly and it's not going to be quick. Ol' Nicky is gonna make this hurt, kind of like being forced to watch a marathon of Everybody Loves Raymond, but worse.

Scale of Watchability:  Let's set this to SEC Defcon 4, it's not the best game but if you've gone full SEC and can only watch games from within the conference then watch this. BUT if you are able to divorce yourself a little I'd watch something else, say TCU and TTU at 3:45 pm instead. I mean this is going to be brutal.

kristina: Technically last time these two met, 'Bama didn't fare so well (that's putting it lightly!), but doubt we get the repeat here.  Warhawks (again with the poultry!) will try, but to no avail. Can't really pick the team that got crushed by UGA.

Chris: Well it turns out the football gods have turned on Alabama so just give up on them right now. There's no chance they'll make Atlanta now so might as well just wait until next year...This is the kind of stuff I've seen from their fanbase across the internet and well I suppose you are allowed to feel sorry for yourself. But get over it. Now. The Tide will cruise and all will once again be right in their world.

#14 Texas A&M at Arkansas - AT&T Stadium, Arlington TX 6:00 pm ESPN / WatchESPN

Welcome to Jerry World! Well, after all that TSK nonsense, not sure where to begin with this one. Arky, whatever are you doing? And never mind Kliff handing itto Bielema after last week's affair. You would think that would have been the end of it, but we know better than to think Bret can actually just keep his mouth shut. Maybe spend more of that time practicing, eh? We kid, we kid. (Not really, that was hilarious) Giving up 486 yards to Tech? Sumlin rolls out his dual QB system while Arky puts up lots of numbers and just has a "finding the endzone" problem.  (Yes, we realize criticizing any offense at this point from our standpoint is, well, deal with it.)

Scale of Watchability: DEFCON 3, it's evening, it might be close, but more than likely, the Aggies roll and Bret mouths off to the wrong party yet again, though, that might be the more entertaining part of the contest.

kristina: Aggies, have to. Not a Bielema fan, nor really an Arky fan, so despite versus a Texas team, I'd rather see the Arkansas fanbase go even more insane, if that's possible. GBH's uniform post is amusing... mmmm bacon....

Chris: Man it's all falling apart in Fayettville. Bert can't coach, his team can't play and Kliff Kingsbury sitting here talking sh*t, let's watch that again. Man that was fun. Anyway, it's all spiraling out of control and I'm thinking Kevin Sumlin will take the Riggins feeling of "Texas Forever" to heart and just put a pounding on the Hogs. Shhh...don't worry Hogs, you're almost to October, there, there, basketball season's almost here. Oh...sorry about that, man, damn sorry...

Vanderbilt at #3 Ole Miss 6:00 pm ESPNU / WatchESPN

Well, well, well. Look who went into scary old Tuscaloosa and came away with a wild and wacky win? The Rebels of Ole Miss (who should be the Ackbars)  took care of business that not a lot of us saw coming, and their reward is that they get a visit from the Commodores of Vanderbilt. Which if you ask that UGA dad sitting behind me two weeks ago, a Commodore is a (and I am not joking) "A fancy pirate." I mean, I don't even. A fancy pirate! I love it. Vandy you are not the Vanderbilt Fancy Pirates! Revel in that fanciness! And I think it's appropriate since Ole Miss has the fanciest tailgate in all the SEC what with their trees, chandeliers and propensity for over dressing. Anyway, the fancy pirates got their first win of the season, so perhaps they can get a huge upset in the Grove? Maybe? What could be intriguing is how Vandy's improved fancy pirate defense against Ole Miss' potent attack.

Scale of Watchability: Let's put this at SEC Defcon 3. It's an inter SEC battle so that's something, but really this game shouldn't be pretty with the hurting Ole Miss has been putting on people. And besides if you're here you're probably itching to watch the Mizzou game. But have it on in the background pre Mizzou game and see if Chad Kelly blows a gasket.

kristina: Aw, Vandy finally won a game, congrats, your prize is facing Ole Miss.  Vandy set a couple of single game records, but then again, it was against Austin Peay. Try repeating that this weekend.  Enjoy your one win....until further notice. Ole Miss, as I should have picked last week. Thanks a lot, Saban. And hey, Johnny Depp made a great fancy pirate.

Chris: Oh fancy pirates you're going to get sacked and pillaged by the Ackbars. I would make a trap joke but 'tis no trap, Vandy is going to take a beating and Ole Miss will continue to roll until they play A&M at the end of October. But fight on you fancy pirates!

Mississippi State at Auburn 6:30 pm ESPN2 / WatchESPN

Oh Auburn, things haven't been going so well for you. Fournette turned your defenders into little ping-pong balls and well, yeah, sucks watching a team run all over you, doesn't it? The offense effort was bad enough that Auburn's redshirt freshman Sean White gets his first start ever. SEC QB drama continues!  (Preseason rankings on one site had Johnson's odds winning the Heisman the same as Fournette's.  Whoops! Insert "preseason rankings haven't played anybody" rants here) We do like Muschamp's ever-evolving vocabulary, he said LSU "out-physicaled" them. (He's not wrong) Rudy Ford's mouth was duct-taped this week, right?

Scale of Watchability: DEFCON 2, for anyone but Mizzou fans. Should be close enough and both teams eager not to pick up the second loss, and esp. for Auburn fans you get a glimpse at your next shiny QB. Their DE Lawson though is out for an extended period of time with the hip injury, Morgan Steward understands. Womp womp. Hip injuries are just bad news. Least it's at Auburn and we're all saved from clanga clanga clanga. (We hope)

kristina: Again, this is what I get for not being first to the feast.  I'm leaning Bulldogs, but since my esteemed colleague has already gone that way, I'll push our records and go Auburn. All for fun and games, right? We can't be agreeable all the time, that's boring. Slight edge for Auburn being at home, we'll take it!

Chris: Auburn, man you guys just can't play defense can you? What was the point of throwing all that money at Coach Muschamp? Explain yourselves. Look for Dak to go wild on the plains and for State to pull out a close victory over the War Eagles. No one will pine for Chizik, but look what he's doing at UNC...not too shabby as their D Coordinator....just saying...

#25 Mizzou at Kentucky 6:30 pm SEC Network / WatchESPN

Well the Wildcats had an opportunity last week to make a big statement about their program by beating Florida and they didn't. Mizzou meanwhile made a statement on both sides of the ball against UConn. On the defensive side it was the dulcet tons of Barry White and on the offensive side of things it was the sound from Jackson Height's own, Mr. Randy Watson, who played Joe the Police Man on the "What's Going Down" episode of That's my Momma. Anyway, this game could go a long way in telling both fan bases how their teams are doing and will be doing. Is Kentucky taking the next step to SEC East prominence, is Mizzou taking a step back towards the pack? Will this game be decided by a missed extra point?! Which QB has better hair?

Scale of Watchability: Set us to SEC Defcon 3!  It's another inter SEC battle where we will learn a little bit of where the power of the SEC east lies, with the old school or the new school. Does Patrick Towles blow up? Is Maty Mauk able to not throw really bad passes that put pressure on his defense? How pretty is the new elevator in Lexington? Watch this game until UCLA and Zona kicks on or Oregon and Utah start battling. But if you're a Mizzou fan, which you probably are, sit back and let's hope for the best.

kristina: This has all been our plan, to make Kentucky overlook us. Offense (somehow?) comes together, our defense is their usual awesome, and we win. UK features a "bend don't break defense"? So, they're in essence non-stale twizzlers? (And let's be honest, black licorice is awful, yeah, yeah, that's racist) Get out your Mizzou bingo card though, 'cause you know the "Maty, don't throw that!" and "what the hell was that?" spaces are for sure to be covered. Tigers!

Chris: I am completely conflicted. My brain can't forget what I saw this past Saturday, but it also can't forget what it saw from Kentucky against Florida's defense, which is not quite to Mizzou's level just yet. The hell with it, let's get all homerific on this game. Take the Tigers to win a game similar to the South Carolina game last year and move on. Come on Tigers, we can't let the Stoops brothers be happy forever!

That will do it for week 4, here are our picks for the winners and losers, be sure to gamble accordingly. Put the house and junior's college fund, what could go wrong*?!

Pickers SEC Winners SEC Losers
kristina Georgia, South Carolina, LSU, Florida, Alabama, A&M, Ole Miss, Auburn, Mizzou Tennessee, Arkansas, Vandy, Miss. St., Kentucky
Chris Georgia, South Carolina, LSU, Florida, Alabama, A&M, Ole Miss, Mississippi State, Mizzou Tennessee, Arkansas, Vandy, Auburn, Kentucky

*these picks are made for fun, don't wager anything crazy, your kids need school!!!! But we'll still gladly accept most forms of booze, especially from you Mizzou fans who went to the game, we know you picked up some bourbon.
Enjoy the games everyone!