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The Lazy Fan's Guide to Week 1 of the College Football Season

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The football season starts Thursday night, but who's going to win and why?

Nelson Chenault-USA TODAY Sports

Welcome to the Lazy Fan's Guide to the College Football Season! We promised this at the end of the NCAA tournament and kristina and I are nothing if not ones to keep our promises. So what you will see in this space on a weekly basis is our picks for every SEC team's game along with our (not very rational) rationales for these thoughts.

Will this help you when making your picks? Hell if we know, but hey that's neither here nor there.  (Short answer, no, not really)

Thursday, September 3

North Carolina vs. South Carolina (Charlotte) 5:00 pm ESPN / WatchESPNespn3 Skycam

Heels vs Cocks, Argyle vs Visors, Wine in a bottle vs Wine in a bag, this game has got it all. It's the battle for Carolina supremacy where the winner gets the right to not have to claim South of the Border and the loser has to tend the reptile exhibits.

HHKB Pick: South Carolina, the Ol' Ball Coach finds your golf courses substandard North Carolina.

Kristina:  South Carolina, because Spurrier.  And friends don't let friends drink boxed wine, usually.

Western Kentucky at Vanderbilt 7:00 pm SEC Network / WatchESPN

Haven't played each other since about 1938, and going into this one, the line favors Western Kentucky, and Vandy coach Mason is keeping mum on his starting QB.  SEC QB drama continues!

HHKB Pick: The Hilltoppers will topple the hill that is Vanderbilt. Don't worry baseball season is just around the cornerish Dores.

Kristina:  Conference solidarity be damned, sorry Vandy.  But wait, now that Mason has his checklist......

Saturday, September 5

Louisiana Monroe at Georgia 11:00 am SEC Network / WatchESPN

Tee it up, bulldogs, we're waiting.  But we like Georgia fans, right?  Props to LM though, the warhawk is one of the better mascots we've come across, though "Ace" isn't exactly the most intimidating name.   (Fun and/or boring fact, the warhawk beat out "Bayou Hawk" and "Bayou Gator" when the new mascot was being selected.)  Though don't compete with them in water skiing, they hold twenty National titles.

kristina pick:  UGA

HHKB Pick: So many hungover Bulldog fans wondering who in the hell is that starting at Quarterback? Here's what's gonna happen: The Dawgs will win, Uga will lay on ice and whoever is calling the game will think no one's ever seen it before and find it just darling and we'll all barf.

UT Martin at Ole Miss 11:00 am SEC Network Alternate / WatchESPN

SATIRE!  UTM with a "mythical" hawk, sounds suspect.  We don't tolerate fake birds around these parts.  The nephew of Jim Kelly takes the start for the Rebels, though one writer noted Freeze expects to use all three of his QBs.  All the SEC QB drama!

HHKB Pick: Tennessee Martin should be referred to as "Tee Martin" because I imagine it would infuriate Vols fans to no end, and that makes many a Mizzou fan happy. I imagine if I don't choose Ole Miss Chad Kelly will go get his machine gun and shoot up Rock M Nation and lord knows we don't want that. So take Ole Miss and bet that Kelly accidentally throws the ball to Tee Martin and then freaks out at his own team because NONE OF THIS IS HIS FAULT! Also, Bills suck.

kristina: Yup, Ole Miss.

UTEP at Arkansas 2:30 pm ESPNU / WatchESPN

Mute this one or be stuck with "Woo Pig Sooie" all afternoon long.  History isn't helping out here, with the Miners' last road win against a ranked opponent occurring in 1974.   And Paydirt Pete is a bit creepy looking. Remember Mike Price? Yeah, he coached at UTEP and Bama for a spring before getting fired for hitting up a strip club and potentially engaging a lady of the night?  GOOD TIMES!

HHKB Pick: Arkansas is a sexy pick to win the West and break out this season, but friends, there is nothing sexy about this! So take the Hogs to beat the Miners and watch the game below instead.

kristina pick:  Don't watch this one?  Arky, fine.

Auburn vs. Louisville (Atlanta) 2:30 pm CBS / CBS Video

The "Chick-fil-a" kickoff!  Mmmm, waffle fries...You know why this game is played on Saturday right? In really important news..ALCOHOL WILL BE SERVED TO THOSE ATTENDING THIS GAME!! Pray now for the people of Atlanta who just want to go out and have some food at a restaurant featuring a Top Chef alum or catch a Barves game...wait, those don't exist.

kristina pick: Auburn, if I have to.

HHKB pick: I wonder if Bobby Petrino still has a motorcycle? I mean the pick is clearly Auburn and their ridiculous bird tiger mascot but wouldn't it be fun if Bobby P just got it done and the whole SEC west imploded in week 1? No, just me, ok then.

Southeast Missouri at Missouri 3:00 pm SEC Network Alternate / WatchESPN

Gary Pinkel welcomes you to The Zou!!  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's Christmas in September for many and Mizzou has got a hankering for a spankering.

kristina: Well, Mizzou of course.  Unless you're literally a SEMO student/grad, you have to pull for Mizzou or a tiger cub dies somewhere.  Don't take this out on baby tigers. For those not familiar with SEMO, "Rowdy the Redhawk" is their current mascot.  (useless facts, that's why we're here, folks)

HHKB Chris: Mizzou, ALL.DAY. I will be in you Missouri, and you had better give me a victory! Prediction: I will tailgate early, drink, get hot, listen to my college roommate hate the sun, drink then go to Snappers because Snappers makes me feel like a millionaire!

Bowling Green at Tennessee (Nashville) 3:00 pm SEC Network / WatchESPN

#Voluntears   Bowling Green Falcons (all these falcons/hawks, again, unoriginal we say!   /waits for most other SEC fanbases to point out the obvious.  Note this is "technically" an away game for the Vols playing at the Titans' stadium. One writer suggested the Vols get to the Falcon's QB before he gets rid of the ball.  HOT SPORTS TAKE. Here's another, score more points to win. I can't believe we're giving this content away for free.

HHKB Chris: The other sexy pick in the SEC, the super sexy Volunteers coached by Vern from Stand by Me. I don't know how anyone will be able to watch this game, what with their vision being blinded by all the stars on the field. Will the fans be third downing for what this season? I can only imagine so and may god have mercy on their souls.

kristina: Tennessee, though somehow the upset would be hilarious.

Arizona State vs. Texas A&M (Houston) 6:00 pm ESPN / WatchESPNespn3 Skycam

Kyle Field has been renovated and made even bigger than before. They so SEC. Huge stadium, claimed championships they didn't win, over inflated sense of awesome, the checked boxes are checked!  Arizona State's QB is not even close to an Osweiller height, but they are breaking out something called "Desert Ice" uniforms. I will now exit to allow the commenters to freak at this oxymoron. Proceed grammarians....

HHKB Chris: I mean, the Sun Devils have managed to have ice and desert work in concert, how could I pick against them. The Diablos del Sol ruin Kevin Sumlin's housewarming party and his guests grab the beer they brought with them that are leftover because they are jerks. Seriously, if you do this just don't go to parties anymore.

kristina: Sorry Aggies.

Louisiana Lafayette at Kentucky 6:00 pm ESPNU / WatchESPN

Does Ashley Judd attend football games?  UK starts the season off in their fancy & newly almost completely but not totally renovated stadium, complete with a "secret" recruiting room accessible only by a special elevator.   Shockingly, we have the "Ragin' Cajuns" as the visitors.

HHKB Chris: Do you see that game time Tiger fans?! That 6:00 PM kick off should be ours! Did Kentucky get to the SEC Championship game the past two years? NOPE! Let them sit in the sun and bake and complain to no end. DISRESPECT!!!! Kentucky wins and Stoops gets another extension, because why not?

kristina: UK, so for whoever follows Judd on twitter is spared yet another twitter rant.

McNeese State at LSU 6:30 pm SEC Network Alternate / WatchESPN

Hold off, Matt Viator!  "We're gonna do what we do."   You're no Gary Pinkel.   Anyway, LSU owns the longest winning non-con streak at 49, and minus everything goes wrong, it's not ending with this one.   McNeese state with another "Rowdy" mascot.  Unoriginal, we say!   Another start to football season, another year of LSU fans adding "eaux" to everything.

HHKB Chris: It's in Baton Rouge (red stick in English, you're welcome!) at night, I mean we all know how this is gonna go right? LSU is gonna win with Mike the Tiger playing in the fourth quarter at quarterback because Les Miles is crazy.

kristina: Mike VI, no less. LSU wins.

New Mexico State at Florida 6:30 pm SEC Network

Florida rolls out its new coach, and the stadium is better known as "the swamp."  Unless they get lighting'ed out again. People like Florida because of their defense and to be fair when your offense was what it was last year, you might as well focus on the defense. Just try to block the other team Gators, not yourselves. Best gif ever!

HHKB Chris: Florida's gonna win, Treon Harris will play well and people will anoint him next year's Josh Dobbs already even though Dobbs hasn't really beaten anyone any good, but neither has Harris and making comparisons with no thought is what the talking heads do now a days. How tall is Mauk? Around 6 feet? That guy's got Chase Daniels written all over him!

kristina:  Florida.  That's still shorter than Lock!

Alabama vs. Wisconsin (Dallas) 7:00 pm ABC / espn3

Badgers?  We don't need no stinkin' badgers.  Plus, Saban's birthday is on Halloween and that's just about the best holiday to have a birthday on.  Wait, a matchup with a Big 10 team?  SEC! SEC!  Alabama had five QBs listed on the depth chart.  Saban being sneaky...just watch out for his daughter, she will cut you!

HHKB Chris: Man I am going to be so tired at this point, stupid 3 PM start time...Anyway, is Bama the best in the land, well we're going to find out tout de suite! They lose Amari Cooper who was sent to the jail that is the Raiders and there's been some attrition, but Saban sold his soul to the Desert Ice Devil, so I can't pick against them. But it would be fun if they lost also...Hey State of Alabama, implode for me, implode for what you did to UAB!

kristina: Tired, drunk, po-tay-toe, po-tah-toe.  Bama wins.

Mississippi State at Southern Miss 9:00 pm FS1 / FS Go Video

Needs more cowbell, and less birds.  Southern Miss again, with Seymour d'Campus, a golden eagle.  Their stadium's nickname is "The Rock" and you must go with Sean Connery's accent here. On their preview, Miss. State's worst-case scenario still has them winning the game, they clearly aren't so good with the meaning of "worst case"   But, in their favor, last year's contest was a 49-0 rout, so.......

HHKB Chris: State has a QB named Dak, who was Luke Skywalker's wingman in Empire (nerd button...engaged), so everything being owned by Disney makes me think that you should take State. In funny news I once watched parts of a Southern Miss game and thought it was Mizzou, clearly it wasn't.

kristina: The prequels never happened.  Cowbell wins.

Pickers SEC Winners SEC Losers
kristina USCe, UGA, Auburn, Mizzou, Tennessee, UK, FLA, Bama, M-State Vandy, A&M
HHKB Chris USCe, UGA, Auburn, Mizzou, Tennessee, UK, FLA, Bama, M-State Vandy, A&M

So, there you go, your expert picks for this weekend's College Football opening weekend. Make your picks accordingly and when you win more than you lose, send us a check and some wine, good wine!