It's time, again. Time to explain to you all exactly how bad your team is. We have a single week of college football under our belts, and I feel confident in my rankings being 100 percent accurate. NO, YOUR SAMPLE SIZE IS SMALL.
It feels so good to be back.
1. Alabama Crimson Tide - "Losing our best receiver and a successful quarterback might've been the best thang to happen to the Tide, Pawl. Just gettin' us back to our roots, is what it is. RUNNIN' THE DANG BALL. Ain't no B1G school gonna out-Bama BAMA."
2. Texas A&M Aggies - John Chavis is a necromancer. He took A&M's defense - a certifiable corpse last season - and resurrected it. A hulking stalfos warrior stands before us now, ready to lay waste to any offense foolish enough to wander into its lumbering path. Combine that with the ever-potent Aggie offense and it's hard to see them not challenging for the West. Going all-in on A&M after a stellar first game is always the right call.
3. Auburn Tigers - Both parties in the Iron Bowl Collective played a solid Power Five opponent over the weekend, and it was the Tigers who came out looking less impressive. Louisville may end up being the better of the two opponents, but we don't have that measuring stick figured out yet. For now, Auburn has to settle for this spot. What a travesty.
4. Georgia Bulldogs - Nick Chubb only averaged 7.5 yards per carry, so he's obviously heading for a letdown season.
5. Ole Miss Rebels - Robert Nkemdiche is college football's JJ Watt, except he's more likable and scarier at the same damn time.
6. Arkansas Razorbacks - Congratulations, you've unlocked the "When Pigs Fly" achievement! Your quarterback has now thrown for over 300 yards in a game, will you continue to utilize your new aerial attack? [y/n] [Bret Bielema mashes the N key so hard he snaps the keyboard in half]
7. LSU Tigers - AIN'T PLAYED NOBODY... but nobody might be better than some of the other cupcakes the SEC played this past week.
8. Missouri Tigers - EVERYONE LOOK HOW SHINY DREW LOCK IS RIGHT NOW. PAY NO ATTENTION TO MIZZOU'S LACK OF A RUNNING GAME OUTSIDE OF RUSSELL HANSBROUGH. DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT THAT. CHECK OUT THIS SPIRAL. WHEW.
9. Tennessee Volunteers - Bless their hearts, those poor Volunteer defenders were just a bit confused. See, Bowling Green also wears a shade of orange, and they got a little confused. They'll be better next week. Oklahoma's colors are much different.
10. South Carolina Gamecocks - The Gamecocks pulled out an ugly win early in the season, but the Ol' Ball Coach always needs a few holes and a few beers before his game really hits its stride.
11. Mississippi St. Bulldogs - Look, I get it. Big, in-state game against a rival? Gotta throw those records out. Still, when you have a Heisman contender at quarterback you should be a bit more potent on offense.
12. Florida Gators - HOOOOOOOOO BOY, LOOK AT ALL THOSE POINTS!
13. Kentucky Wildcats - Letting the Ragin' Cajuns score some garbage-time points to make the final score closer than the game really was certainly didn't help Kentucky in the rankings, but I'm not sure they would've jumped anyone above them so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
14. Vanderbilt Commodores - Vandy's going to lose a lot of games like this throughout the season. As poorly as Derek Mason has done so far in Nashville, he hasn't forgotten how to field a decent defense. He's going to hold teams to roughly 25-28 points, he just won't be able to put more than 17 on the board himself.
Leave a comment disparaging these serious, professional rankings. I double-dog dare you.