The Lazy Fan’s Guide to Week 5 of the SEC

Two weeks in a row! Can you believe it? Apparently we took the whole lazy part of the title very seriously taking off those two weeks. But it’s mandated just like in Europe. (Who, by the way, aren’t playing really good golf so far.)

Anyway, last week and the first week of the season our picks have not been too strong. But if you’re going to follow one of us to make extra money on the side, follow kristina, she’s just that little bit better than me. I think I pick too much with the rage side of my brain.

ANYWAY, this week in the SEC is, to put it bluntly really crappy from top to bottom. Now sure, any college football is better than no college football and it’s infinitely better than any NFL game you may be forced to be exposed to by your friends who went to schools that don’t do football, like the University of Virginia.

On top of all that, the rest of your college football Saturday looks DELIGHTFUL! You’ve got a tremendous Friday night game between Washington and Stanford, Saturday’s got Michigan and Wisconsin, Oklahoma and TCU and then you top it off with a top 5 matchup between Clemson and Louisville. Man, that’s good football…and you, the SEC fan get Auburn and UL Monroe, which is like getting a haircut. Sure, you need it and at the end you feel good about the way you look, but that’s 35 minutes you could have spent doing something else.

To the records!

As we noted above, it’s not been the best showing by us this season, we’ve been rusty. Last season we were pretty spot on, but this year, I guess we’re still working the kinks out. Maybe this is the week! Or the SEC is just nuts this year.

To the games!

So over the past few years, Arkansas has played a game in Little Rock against a smaller school which they then lose to and their fans blame the fact that the game was not in Fayettville, which is stupid. Well look what we’ve got here a game in Little Rock, against a small school and they’re coming off a beating at the hands of the Aggies of A&M. Can you smell…upset?

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 4. This is the “I’ve had too much wine and Champagne/Prosecco/Sparkling California garbage” of games. It’s an inevitability that you have to wake up, but your head and eyes hurt and all you want is a ham, egg and cheese on a croissant to move into the afternoon.

kristina: Well I do have that “head going to hurt” thing going for me, stupid rec sports. Arky wins, unfortunately.

Chris: Well if you’re going to break a streak of ineptitude in another city in Arkansas, quick, name a third one, I’ll just wait here while you try… Ok, the answer is, doesn’t matter. Anyway, if you’re going to break a streak, Alcorn State seems like a good opponent. They’re 1-2 and don’t have what you would call…a good win. The Razorbacks will win and people loving on Kool Aid man will continue.

So Florida built up a nice, big lead last week against our favorite Voluntears and then just decided to stop playing defense or something like that. Florida starts their transfer QB again, good thing he did, ‘cause Austin Appleby is clearly a SEC name.

Scale of Watchability: Let’s set this one at SEC Defcon 4. It’s noon / early / awesome weather but semi-watchable if nothing else is going on. Come on, folks, you can’t drink all day if you don’t start it early enough.

kristina: Going to be at kiddos’ soccer game for this one. Given Vandy’s like 1-19 against Florida, I’ll take the latter. Chris didn’t complain about the basketball court here? Huh.

Chris: The slow death that is the Vanderbilt football season took a week off against Western Kentucky last Saturday when all out of nowhere the Commodores pulled out a surprising win on the road. Well this week they’re at home taking on a Florida team smarting after giving away their game last week against Tennessee. THANKS FLORIDA! Anyway, Florida is going to get right this week and beat Vandy with their aggravating style of play, thankfully this game is early so you can properly ignore it.

The dross that is week 5 in the SEC continues with this barn burner of Louisiana Monroe traveling to Auburn, Alabama where the fans can’t even celebrate correctly. Listen the couch burning that’s an act that belongs to the east coast schools, WVU and MD have that on lock down. So I get it Auburn you want to be different, and you decide, hey, let’s take the symbol of our university and light it on fire. After all the Harvey Updyke nonsense, you went and burnt one of your trees….and you got Les fired. Auburn, get it together!

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 4. At this point I guess you can hate watch but honestly you have better options in the national games. And really, does Auburn who at this point can’t do anything right deserve your eyeballs? I say no.

kristina: I’d root for the War Pigeon. And we all know how we around here feel about certain fake birds. You know it’s going to be a boring watch when it’s given the alternate channel slot.

Chris: Auburn, seriously? This has been a bad week for you. A BAD WEEK. But now we finally get a matchup of epic proportions, fake birds fighting on a Saturday afternoon! War Hawk versus War Eagle! This is some Island of Dr. Moreau level hybridization happening here. I’m taking the War Eagle in this fight, though a War Hawk sounds just as terrifying. Auburn gets the W and the scientists in NYU start furiously working on a War Pigeon.

Tennessee might catch a break with, depending on what sources you check, Chubb is either out or a game-time decision. Ah yes, the most annoying thing for fantasy sports nuts, those pesky last minute roll-outs. Georgia might want to run the touchdown play a little bit this week, offense wasn’t so good last week in the first half.

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 2. Raise your hand if you’re still just a little bit ticked with our UGA game. Two ranked teams should be good viewing .

kristina: Can it end in a tie? I don’t want either to win, really. As usual, I’m not SEC speed so my quicker and usually more humorous counterpart got his takes in first, so just for fun, I’ll go UGA. But let’s be honest, outside of Mizzou, I’m watching golf all day long.

Chris: It’s happening, it’s finally happening and I’m just not ready for it. Tennessee…is going to win the SEC east and they’re going to descend upon Atlanta in December and it’s going to be a nightmare. Because they’re going to get thrashed by Nick Saban twice in one year…And Georgia, you’re in the top 25 strictly by accident, you disgust me. I’m taking the Vols, but wish that UGA would get it together and beat them.

Kevin Sumlin and the Aggies are back! All it took was every Quarterback defecting, the firing of all your coordinators and the expansion of your stadium to ginormous sizes! Can they be the team to stop Nick Saban? I have no idea, because first they’re heading to the other Columbia to take on the Gamecocks who look just like you’d expect a Will Muschamp coached team to look.

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 3. It’s still not a great game, but A&M has become an intriguing team and it’s mid afternoon so you’ve got to do something. But again, the national games are better.

kristina: A&M. Once, we were just a basketball school, right? (No, seriously, when are we back into the tourney, this is just silly.) Nationals’ games? Ooooh, like game five!!

Chris: A&M, all day son, ALL DAY! I’m starting to think that the hiring firm that instructed Mike Alden to hire Kim Anderson was retained by South Carolina and pushed to hire Will Muschamp…in hindsight, what were you thinking SC? Maybe you’re moving to be a basketball school. All hail Frank Martin, new KING OF SOUTH CAROLINA! But seriously…A&M.

You know Alabama’s having a hell of a season when more articles just mention trying to cover the spread versus who actually wins. And for the Southpark boys, that’s all that matters. 48-0 over Kent State? Weak! We scored more than that! But it’s now October, the month of Saban has begun.

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 4. We’re all watching Mizzou anyway, and this shouldn’t be close at all. Maybe watch it during the commercial breaks if you’re bored, but refilling your drinks and making nachos is a better use of that time.

kristina: ‘Bama. I want Halloween as a birthday, life is so unfair.

Chris: Well look who got a big win last week in conference! The Wildcats have come roaring back into the SEC East race, look out Georgia and Mizzou, this is the season for Mark Stoops! But you know what, it won’t matter. Why? Because College Basketball season kicks off this weekend as well which means, no one in Kentucky cares about this game. Not that it matters, Nick Saban and the Crimson Tide will feast on the Wildcats and no one outside of Alabama will notice, or care.

Ole Miss got back on the winning side of things by pasting and exposing Georgia for what they are, just an ok Power 5 school. This week they take on the undefeated Memphis Tigers, sitting on 3-0 including a pantsing of the Kansas Jayhawks, which should surprise no one since Kansas sucks at football and Twitter. But, this game could be another good test for what exactly Ole Miss is capable of and if they will be able to hope to sneak back into the SEC West race.

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 3. Normally, this would be a good game to watch, but it’s competing against Mizzou in Death Valley and Clemson vs Louisville. So watch it for 30 minutes then move on…go on, move it…move it…

kristina: I’m a bad SEC fan this season as, outside of Mizzou, I haven’t watched nearly the amount of games I did last year. No wonder our picks kind of suck so far.

Chris: This is a sneaky good game, a good offense against a good defense. But Ole Miss is at home and Memphis has looked shaky outside of its aforementioned destruction of the buckle shoe wearing pilgrim birds. So take Chad Kelly and his gun slinger attitude that will lead to an NFL career that will be rife with interceptions, suspensions and eventual meltdowns in a locker room in the AFC North.

Well, Mizzou gets to play in the first “after Miles” game, guess if we’re going to have a chance, why not with an interim coach’s first go at it. We’ll take whatever we can get at this point, which again, according to what source you run with, may include no (or little) Fournette. Might be a test for our OL. Please don’t get injured, Lock. Hopefully all our traveling fans have enjoyed all the crawfish boils.

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 1, what else would it be? It’s Mizzou in Death Valley. You’re watching this one no matter what.

kristina: I’ll take the delusional fan role and pick Mizzou. Hell, we only have to play three quarters right? (LSU apparently doesn’t score in the fourth quarter. I mean, if that’s your game plan, go with it.) LSU’s interim speaks Cajun French, reminds me of my college roommate who’d just go off and rant in that when she got mad. Still no clue what she was saying.

Chris: Let’s all just take a moment to reflect on the Les career at LSU. Not you Mizzou fans, I’m talking to the LSU fans out there, the ones who think this firing was a good idea. Les won you a National Championship, won a boatload of games and you fire him. This seems shortsighted…

Anyway, we’re talking about Mizzou and while a lot of people are thinking this is the moment for Mizzou, I don’t see it. I think the setting and atmosphere will be too much for a young QB who hasn’t shown he can really put together a full game against a competent squad. LSU gets the win and Mizzou continues to search for a victory against a team that isn’t hideous.

And that will do it readers! We hope you find some good in the games this weekend, because it’s there, you just need to look closely...and maybe with beer goggles on...